


I think I've met you before

by kittymannequin



Category: Fear the Walking Dead (TV), The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, BAMF Elyza Lex, Clexa, Elyza Lex (fanverse) - Freeform, F/F, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Soulmates, and basically me falling head first into the lexark, and cheesy fluff, and plenty of smut, basically me trying to cope with the 100's shitty ways, lexark, smol bean elyza, those who know me know there's gonna be angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-12
Updated: 2018-03-20
Packaged: 2018-05-26 06:49:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 29
Words: 59,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6228136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittymannequin/pseuds/kittymannequin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You remember some things, but most of all, you remember her. Sometimes you wish you couldn't, but the colour of her eyes is burned so much into your brain that if you try to blink it away, it makes you dizzy. So you let the thoughts of her consume you, until there's nothing but blinding light in your mind and then it's all over, for a little while. And then you hear a familiar voice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

You don’t think you’ll ever forget the day she died. 

It’s etched in your memory much like the ink on her skin you’d traced your fingers over just hours ago when you finally gave yourself to her. 

You gave, and equal parts received.

She trembled in your arms, her tear stained cheeks pressed tightly to yours, her eyes shut tight whenever your hungry lips met hers. Your name on them. 

It was all kinds of wonderful and infinitely too short for what you, both of you, needed. Wanted. When you came to realize you  _ had to _ leave for the good of everyone, the pain in your chest was too much. It made you understand what you’d been trying to push away from your mind. 

Somewhere along the way, you fell in love with her. 

When you think of it now, why wouldn’t you have? She was all too easy to fall for, with those moss green eyes, gorgeous brown locks of hair cascading down the shoulders that seemed to carry the world and so,  _ so _ much more. With the faintest hints of a smile she’d show solely to you, and the way her lip quivered when you pulled her into your embrace.

Somewhere along the way, the reason you resented her turned into the reason you had become who you are now. You learnt to understand. You understood. 

There was Heda, and there was the woman underneath the hardened mask. 

And somewhere along the way, you fell for the fearless soul behind the warpaint.

In her eyes, you recognized everything you’d always found in your own. Fear, desire, need, compassion. Love. Deep down, you vowed to shake the very bottom of her soul, to reach so deep within her so she’d never be able to let you go. Sometimes you think you have because when your hands brushed over her skin, you realized you’d never felt anything so warm in your life. And you did venture into her darkest corners, you know it - her eyes told you so. Her shaking, shivering shoulders, trembling hands scratching and taking, careful and hungry lips biting and kissing every slip of bare skin they could find. 

But you remember her shaking for all the wrong reasons. The images are burned inside your head, smoldering, suffocating - painful. It hurts to remember, to cry, to breathe now that she’s not there to share the air with you while hours ago your breaths mingled with one another. 

Your chest feels as if it’ll burst when the image of her blood floods your mind. You glance down onto your hands and even though you’ve washed them, scrubbed them at least three times already, you can still see it. The drowning blackness of Lexa’s blood, right there, under your skin.

Just as she was.

_ Just as she is. _

 


	2. Chapter 2

Memory doesn’t really serve you well anymore. It’s hard to remember the last time you felt anything other than a dullness in your chest and the emptiness of your whole being is all-encompassing. No matter what happens,  _ happened _ around you, you’ve been unmoving since the day you ran away from Polis and left her cold, stiff body behind. It’s the last thing you remember clearly - running out, looking over your shoulder and taking one final glance at her. You didn’t want to remember her that way, but after so many years, it’s the only thing left of her that you still have. 

It’s not as if you haven’t tried to remember her the way you know she’d like you to. With a stoic, composed expression and the smile only you got to see hours before she became nothing more than a memory.

To everyone, you think. Because to you, she's the air you breathe and the pulse running through your veins when that same breath moves your heart. To you, she will always be that one time your heart got the best of you and her words seem truer now than ever.

But if love is weakness, then you are the weakest being ever to have lived. Because you loved her, with all your might, you were ready to give yourself to her fully, without restrain and if that makes you weak, then weak you will be. 

Weak you are, as long as she’s in your heart. And she’s not really going away. 

You don’t mind it though. The Ground isn’t what you thought it would be. It’s vicious and sad and hurtful and everything you prayed to leave behind all the way up in space. 

Even now, twenty years after Lexa’s died, you’re aware that, besides her, nothing’s ever mattered all that much. 

_ I did it for my people. _

You wish you’d done a thing or two for yourself. For her. For the two of you and what you know you both deserved. You wish you’d told her the true extent of your feelings and not a couple of muffled  _ I need you’s _ and a broken  _ I’m sorry _ . 

But you remember her. Every day of your life, she is with you. And she will be there until you draw your last breath.

She  _ is _ there until you close your eyes and know you won’t open them again, not this time. 

You don’t remember the day you, Clarke Griffin, die. All you remember is that the light that welcomes you is all too short - you’d expected it to last a little longer - and her name dies out on your lips with your last breath. 

You don’t remember how it happens, exactly. You just remember the pain that starts somewhere in your gut and spreads through to your chest in a matter of seconds, you lose your grip of your -  _ her -  _  sword and your feet give out. There is one thing you do remember, though. Before you breathe in one last time, moss green eyes flash through your mind.

But you die alone, in the woods, clutching the grass in your hands and blinking up at the sky until your eyes can’t stand it any longer. You close them, and you know it’s for the last time. Your hand slides over to your chest and you feel your heart slowing down, just as you’d felt hers under your fingertips, all those years ago. 

“Ai laik hir, Lexa…” You murmur and feel your own blood slide over your lips and down your cheek as your throat burns with your words. “Ai gonplei ste odon.”

You feel a hand on your shoulder, your eyes shoot open, shoulders shaking with the unsteady beat of your booming heart and a stranger’s voice shakes you to your very core and you’re not Clarke Griffin any longer.

“Come on Elyza, we’ve got to go.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to head into Lexark territory.

At moments, you really wish you could yell at whomever thought of reincarnation or whatever weird shit happened to you. 

You never asked to be brought back to this world, whichever time and place it is. You thought you’d die and get to see her… Again. But you were wrong. Because one moment your heart was stopping and the next, you’re waking up with a gun in one hand, knife in the other, some guy’s hand on your shoulder and a bunch of really weird, half-dead people trying to claw their way inside the room you’re in, through the window. 

“Come on Elyza, we’ve got to go.”

And then it all starts making sense.

You remember Elyza. You remember the first time she took a gun in her hand, the first time she strapped a knife to her leg. You remember the first person she shot a bullet through, the first night she cried herself to sleep because that was someone’s mother. You remember the night Elyza got that tattoo because she just felt she needed it, and now you know exactly why she wanted it. You remember because Clarke is Elyza now and you’ll be damned if you don’t use this bloody chance you’ve been given.

And you even remember that damned accent you apparently have now.

“I can see that,” You snap at the guy, taking the hand he’d extended towards you, “I dreamed of maccas. Ugh.” The groan comes out so naturally and the guy laughs as you both run out the back door and hear the windows finally breaking. 

“We could use some food, yeah.” He mumbles and lets you pass through the hole in the wooden fence before he squirms through after you.

“I’d kill for my old fella’s sanga.” You look back over your shoulder and notice one of the half-deads already rushing towards the back door and you grab the guy’s hand, pulling him through the fence, causing him to stumble through.

“Oi, what the-” 

“Belt up and fuckin' hurry, you’re gonna get yourself eaten.” You all but growl at him and draw your shotgun, pointing it over his shoulder with a grin. You’re not even sure why you’re enjoying this so much but it feels all too good not to. When your finger brushes over the trigger, the half-dead thing,  _ the walker _ as you call them, is already sticking its arms through the hole in the fence and you aim just a little above the hole, press your finger against the trigger and the loud, booming sound of the shot you fire echoes through the space around you.

“Come on,” You growl and take the guy’s hand, pulling him along with you. “What’s your name again?” 

“Jack.”   
“Hm.” You grunt and duck past a couple of dumpsters in the narrow street you’re dragging him through. “They’re going flat chat and we’d better hurry if we’re gonna find a safe spot before night falls.” 

“I know a place,” He mumbles and hurries to meet your rushed steps, “But I don’t know if we’ll be welcome there.” 

“Why not?” You glance at him from the side of your eye and pull your shotgun strap over your head, pushing it back a little so it settles at your side comfortably.

“There’s already like eight people there.” 

“So?” 

“So they won’t want more.” 

You frown before pulling him into another narrow street. “We need a place to sleep for the night, I don’t care how many people they’ve got.” 

“This way.” He points across the street and you follow after him.

“And I really need a proper dunny, and quick.” You grumble to yourself, looking over your shoulder. A sigh escapes you when you realize there’s no more walkers following after you, but you know it’s not safe. It’s never safe anymore. 

You thought when you died, you’d be safe but it turns out, you’re on the run again. You don’t even know what for, to be honest. But you’ve killed enough of them to know that you need to keep fighting. There’s gotta be a reason. 

_ May we meet again. _

The words echo in your mind as you cross the street, crouching behind cars and ducking in every possible shadow. Jack is a little far off in front of you and he can’t see the way your eyes water at the words, and you wipe the one tear that escapes before he turns around to glance at you.

“Come on, it’s just a little further down this street.” 

You’ve got a reason to keep fighting, you just haven’t found her yet.


	4. Chapter 4

You don’t think Jack really knows where he’s going. He’s said ‘fuck’ more times than you care to count and you’ve taken a turn in the same fucking street at least four times by now.

“You don’t know where they are, right?” You mumble as he sits down beside you.

“These fuckin’ neighbourhoods all look the fuckin’ same.”

“Fair enough.” You lean over to peek around the car you’re hiding behind, sighing when you see the empty street. But your eyebrows scrunch up in a frown when you notice the sun slowly setting. It looks as if the pavement’s trying to swallow it. Ironic, really, considering how a bunch of dead people are trying to eat and well… Swallow you. “You don’t know the address?” 

He looks at you with a raised eyebrow.

Your jaw clenches when you shoot him a glare. “Don’t look at me like that.” 

“Sorry,” He mumbles, “We need to hide in one of the houses. Get something to eat, clean ourselves and sleep.”

“Yeah,” You say as you begin to stand up and he follows. “That one over there still has a door.” You point across the street to a dark blue house with brown doors.

“Good choice.” He huffs and the two of you make your way across carefully, both turning around and glancing while you hurry. 

The door’s, unsurprisingly, unlocked but you can never be too careful in these conditions. He looks inside first, waving for you to follow when he turns the first corner. The house is unnervingly quiet, but the silence sounds much better than all the grunts, screams and all sorts of horrible noises you’ve been hearing lately. 

And gunshots, you think. You grown tired of those. 

“I think the place is clean.” He murmurs and heads over to another room, groaning as soon as he’s out of sight. “Come see this shit.” 

You walk over and you really wish you hadn’t. “That’s bloody sick…” You mumble and turn around, coughing a little. Half eaten people aren’t really your thing. You’ve enough trouble sleeping as is and even if your stomach can take this, you’re not so sure about your mind anymore. “Close up that room if you don’t wanna clean up any chunder.” 

“Clean up what?” 

“Just close the fucking door.” You grumble and move over to the stairs, looking them over carefully. “I’m gonna go check upstairs.” 

“Aye. I’ll see if there’s anything edible in the kitchen.” 

As you make your way up the stairs, your breathing doesn’t even pick up at the sight of bloody stains and fingerprints all over the wall. It’s such a horror movie sort of thing, something you’d have flinched at if the worn, barely standing walls of Polis had been decorated in such a fashion. You almost chuckle at the word decorated and realize how dark your mind’s become. You’re used to it by now, used to all of this with all the blood you’ve shed so far. 

There’s three rooms upstairs, and the doors on the two of them are closed so you reach over for your shotgun and pull it out, ready to use it. When you push open the door of the first room, your shoulders visibly sag in relaxation. It’s an empty bedroom, with not too many signs of battle and it looks like the closet’s mostly full of stuff you could use. Good. 

The second room looks even better and the bed seems too tempting so you don’t stay there too long, you need to move. The last memories you have of a bed are of one fairly large one, warm and fuzzy with tousled sheets and a pliant body laid over it. And then the image of the body turns all stiff and pale and cold and you have to avert your eyes because the memories are too much.

There’s one more room to check and you know it’s the bathroom so a slight hope sparks in your chest at the mere thought of taking a shower. The doors are closed so you open them quietly and peek inside, sighing when you realize it’s actually really fuckin’ clean considering everything that’s been happening outside. There’s no blood anywhere, the shower looks sterile enough and there’s some pills in the cabinet. You take the sleeping ones - the nightmares are getting more frequent and you really don’t want to drown once more in a river of black blood. You need to rest tonight.

“I’m gonna take a quick shower!” You shout and hear Jack yelling ‘okay’ back at you. The water’s cold but you know what true lack of warmth feels like so it doesn’t really bother you all that much. You’ve long since stopped wishing for any sort of warmth, if it’s not the warmth of her arms wrapped around you. What you get is enough to keep you going, everything else would be inadequately too much.

You’re fast and efficient in the shower and soon enough, you’re feeling much better. There’s some makeup in front of the mirror, black eyeliner and shadow so you smirk at your pale expression, taking the eyeliner and applying some of it. When you’re done you head back downstairs after rummaging through the closet in the first room, and you descend the stairs clad in a pair of tight, ripped black jeans, a random t-shirt with some random print on it and a nice looking maroon leather jacket. You’re strapping your shotguns back over your chest when Jack comes over.

“Whoa, what happened to you?” 

“Warpaint,” You murmur with a grin. “So, what’s for dinner?” 

“There’s some cans of beans and I found water.” He says, moving over to the stairs. “I’m gonna take a shower, you keep watch.” 

“What, no maccas?” You smirk at him and he frowns, heading up the stairs. 

When he’s gone you head over to the kitchen, twirling the bottle of sleeping pills in your hand. You throw it away in what seems to be the trash bin because you really don’t need to be passed out and groggy if a horde of walkers appears out of fuckin’ nowhere. You’ve lived through the actual nightmare, and you can dream through all the other ones that follow. The beans taste like shit but it’s better than nothing. At least you’ve some water and when Jack returns, he doesn’t smell as bad anymore.

“So what now?” He mumbles, sitting down on a chair across from you.

“You’re not the full quid, are ya?” You laugh out, drinking some more water. “Now we wait till sunrise. Then we head out, if we’re still alive by then.”

“Sounds promising.” 

You don’t think even you could have put more sarcasm into two words as smoothly as Jack. “Better than nothing.” You mumble back at him. 

“Wanna sleep first?” He asks, taking his own water bottle.

You nod and try to settle as comfortably as it’s possible on a wooden chair, leaning against the table for extra support. “First sign of trouble, wake me if I’m not up already.”

“Will do.” He murmurs and waves for you to sleep. “Go on, I’ve got you.” 

“That’s what worries me,” You murmur and he chuckles at your words.

“Man I wish I had a pack of luckies…” He grumbles and you look up at him, shuffling through the small pouch bag strapped to your waist before pushing over a small, metal container in his direction.

“Will a rollie do?” 

He opens the box and you think his eyes almost glisten with tears at the sight. “You’re a real doll Elyza.” He mumbles in a voice softer than you’ve heard him speak so far.

“Keep it,” You murmur.

“Sure about that?” 

“Yeah. Don’t need ‘em where I’m going.” You huff and turn a little to lean back over the table and close your eyes, smirking slightly to yourself.

_ Where are you?  _ You wonder just before the blackness begins to swallow your mind.  _ Am I getting closer? _

And then all thoughts are gone and there’s nothing but a void in your mind and you’re finally getting some much deserved rest.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's making an appearance? Finally.

When you wake up it’s still dark outside, but you can see faint traces of the sunrise if you squint long enough. You glance across the table and your heart clenches in your chest when you see that Jack is not there. Your eyes scan the room and after a couple of seconds of frantic eye movement, you huff and push yourself off the chair when you notice him leaning against the doorframe with his back turned to you.

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” You grumble and he turns around, yawning.

“Thought you could use the rest. You kept mumbling and twitching, didn’t look like you’d be good enough to move around if I woke you up after a couple of hours of such sleep.”

You frown and move past him, checking the straps of your guns. “Thanks. But you should have woken me up, now you’ll be fucked up.” 

“Don’t worry about me,” He murmurs, following you around the place as the two of you move to check the outside through the windows. He stops just short of the front door, leaning against the wall next to it. “Say, Elyza.” 

“Hm?” 

“Who’s Lexa?” 

Your lip quivers slightly at the name, but you don’t flinch. You know he wouldn’t use it against you, and you’ve long since decided that love isn’t weakness, but you’re the only one who knows why those four letters are your weakness and you’ll make sure to keep it that way.

“Someone I lost a while ago.” You murmur and turn to face him with a soft smile. “Why?” 

“You said the name a couple of times in your sleep. Sounds very much like your last name… Odd, if you ask me.” 

“Yeah, well,” Your eyes narrow in his direction, “I’m not askin’, am I?” 

He raises his arms defensively before ducking away in the kitchen. “Grab what you think you’ll need and let’s go.” You hear him say.

There’s not much you can carry or want to take, really, so you glance around the kitchen once more, grab the last water bottle and stuff it in the leather bag that you’ve slung over your shoulder. It’s small but sturdy and you can carry the most necessary of items in it. 

Jack’s already at the door when you leave the kitchen and you join him, glancing carefully outside. The sun’s started rising and in a different time and place, you’d be taken aback by its beauty. But right now you couldn’t care less. There’s a walker a couple of houses away, you can already see it and well, fuck. The morning was good so far, time to get it, along with your new outfit, fucked. 

“You still wanna go see those people I mentioned?” Jack asks in a hushed voice, taking long steps towards the fence and ducking down behind a bush. 

“We should go see if they’ve heard anything about the army or any news really. This place looks like it’s been abandoned but maybe they know something.” 

“I doubt it.” 

“Maybe we’ll be tin-arsed and there’s a way out of this shithole.” You grumble and jump over the small fence, groaning when the walker suddenly turns in your direction and begins frantically moving towards you. “Fuck.” You manage to drag out your shotgun but by the time you raise it to shoot, you see Jack’s gun beside your shoulder and it goes off, nearly deafening you.

“Taken care of.” He grins.

“You fuckin’ tit,” You growl at him, putting back your shotgun. “Now I can’t fucking hear shit on my right side.”

“Whatcha say?” His grin seems to widen and you’re far too close to whacking him with something. But then a scream from somewhere in the neighbourhood draws your attention and you glance around, trying to distinguish where it’s coming from.

“You hearing that?” 

“Who hasn’t.” He mumbles and turns around when you both hear the scream once again. 

It seems to be coming from the backyard of one of the houses because it sounds distant and a little muffled. It’s a girl’s voice though, and when you begin moving towards the sound, you realize it’s not you who’s getting closer, it’s the voice. Then you see someone, probably the girl in question, running through the yard of a house a little further down the street. She’s fast and agile, jumping over the small wooden fence, but her leg gets caught against the top of it and she stumbles over, shouting with a pained voice.

You’re moving before you can stop yourself, even though you feel Jack’s hand on your shoulder. 

“Elyza, there’s walkers coming after her.” He’s mumbling but his words don’t really mean much to you. 

It’s irrational. Kind of stupid. Well, it’s very stupid. But you can’t stop it, even if you did want to. You can’t just stand there and watch her… watch them do to her what they’d done to so many. You’re already running towards her when you hear Jack’s voice.

“Elyza, watch out!” 

Something heavy runs into you and the grunts and groans phase you for a moment before you’re pushing the undead thing away from you, slamming your fist in its chest and drawing your knife when it stumbles back. You don’t know where the fuck it came from because the street seemed empty until now but before the walker can approach you again, you’ve already ducked down and stepped around it, your arm’s around it’s neck and you’re plunging your knife in its head, over and over again until Jack’s by your side and dragging you away. 

“It’s fucking dead, come on, let’s go.” 

“Fat chance,” You growl and push him away, all too aware of the girl still lying on the grass on the other side of the street. There’s two, three walkers moving towards her from the backyard she’d come running from but you’ll be damned if you can’t take on all three of them. 

Before you even realize it, you’ve already drawn your shotguns, while you cross the street you manage to shoot one down and the girl begins scrambling backwards, away from the walkers. You shoot again and another one falls but that leaves the third one and he’s way too close to her, already reaching for her. 

“Rack off you piece of shit!” You growl, letting your shotguns fall to the grass as you reach for your knives and all but throw yourself at the walker. The girl screams as she rolls away from it and the walker manages to kick you off but you’re too fast, slamming your boot against its head before your knives find their place in it. You plunge them in once again, twist them for good measure, and your shoulder sag a little when you sigh with relief as the body underneath you stops twitching. 

You’re barely aware of your surroundings or Jack running towards you, yelling something about attracting more walkers. Your eyes are still set on the knives in your hands, all along until you pull them out, drag them over the walker’s half-torn shirt to wipe away the blood, and push them back into the straps on your legs. You chuckle a little to yourself, wipe your palms over your jeans and turn to meet the girl’s startled expression. 

Somewhere between Jack’s shouting and the moment words escape your lips, your eyes catch a glimpse of her own and time stills. Just for the faintest of moments, you think, and you’re not sure if she realizes it, but time stills. The wind that’s been blowing softly stops, the sounds around you all blur out and there’s nothing else in the world besides you and the moss green of her eyes. 

“Finally,” You murmur with a smile, mostly to yourself. “We meet again.” 


	6. Chapter 6

You don’t know whether to laugh or cry. 

Happiness isn’t something that you’ve come across much in your life, or your previous life, and you don’t exactly know how to deal with it right now, but then again, can you even call it happiness? It’s more like a raging, exhilarating joy, if there is such a thing.

You’re not even sure if what you’re seeing is real or your eyes are playing the meanest of tricks on you. You think you’re probably still asleep on the chair in the house, dreaming. It has to be a dream because - she’s here. 

Lexa is… She’s alive. You’ve found her. 

Lexa with her moss green eyes wide open and vibrant, with her gorgeous brown hair flowing freely over her shoulder, her lips pulled tightly together, her cheeks flaring a deep crimson, the ravishing line of her jaw - that always got you - when she tilts her head to the side. And then she speaks and you’re even more sure it’s a dream. 

You’ve always loved her voice. Now it’s like a melody you never want to forget.

“Where did you come from?” She asks, her eyes set on yours while she tries to stand up, but stumbles so you reach out and offer your hand. 

She takes it, cautiously, and lets you pull her up but then you see her wince and you glance down and damn it - her ankle’s already swelling up and that’s not good, not in this situation, and not good because you don’t want to watch Lexa hurt. Not again, not ever.

“She’s from down under, me from around.” Jack quips in before you can answer, stepping aside and handing you your guns. “You dropped these.” 

Your lips pull in a smirk when you take them and strap them back on, mumble a quick and quiet ‘thanks’ and watch him nervously glancing around before your eyes shift back to hers. You can’t seem to look away, it’s too hard to look at anything else with Lexa being here, being… alive. 

“What?” She looks at Jack mildly confused, and you take in her every expression, eyeing her carefully, almost hungrily, as if there’s nobody else in the world but the two of you. 

“Elyza here,” Jack mumbles turning back around to face the two of you, “Is from Australia, and I’m from New York, stuck in this hellhole now. Better?” 

Your heart picks up because she’s staring at you, staring so incredulously, so long and unphased and you’re wondering what she’s thinking. Is she coming up with ways to tell you she’s actually Lexa? Will she tell you? Will she wait until the coast is clear and you’re finally alone and you get to kiss her and hold her and wrap your arms around her and forget that you’d ever had to let her go? 

She huffs a chuckle and your eyes spark up when her lips curl in a smirk. 

“So who are the two of you exactly?” 

You think your heart’s begun shattering again. The smile that you’ve had fades away almost immediately and the way your heart becomes a hollow, pained void in your chest makes you wonder if whoever put you back here really just wanted you to suffer.

“What do you mean who we are, we’re the people who saved you.” Jack mumbles, taking you by your arm and trying to drag you away but you’re rooted in place, unable to move, not wanting to step away and leave her again. You need clarity, and explanation, something before the sadness in your heart swallows you whole.

“Yeah, okay, I get that. Thanks. But your names, whereabouts, such and such.”

“I’m Jack Adams, moved here for a job about 3 months ago, been fucked ever since. Elyza’s from-”

“I can speak for myself.” You cut him off and he steps back, releasing your hand and raising both of his in the air. 

“And she’s the everlasting queen of snark and grumpiness, if you ask me.” He grumbles and turns around, walking away slowly to look over the dead - truly dead - walker that you’ve shot earlier.

“Elyza Lex.” You say and offer your hand once more, shuddering when she takes it and her fingers brush over your palm. The waves that one little touch sends through your body are too much and you almost stumble into her, your legs almost give out but you manage to steady yourself as you shift on your feet, with your eyes never once leaving hers.

You’re waiting. It feel like the silence stretches forever and her stare is piercing, curious - but almost… just… maybe a little knowing? Like she’s trying to remember where she knows you from but can’t quite place you. 

“Alicia Clark.” She finally says, shaking your hand with a strong, familiar grip.

And in your mind, a string of curses buzzes through. And again, and again, and again. Because really - whoever thought it would be great to have her back but have her not remember you, was a right dick. 

“You done throwing googly eyes at each other, we need to move. Where do you live?” Jack asks as he steps next to you, his arms brushing against yours. You just really want to kick him for that but your body won’t react. There’s not much in you right now, and the only thing that still has you going is the fact that, even though she might not remember, she’s here. Alive. And that’s what matters. 

“Googl- whatever.” She grumbles and looks away from you, pointing towards another street. “My family’s just down that street, there’s four of us left.” She takes a step, to start moving towards the street, but winces yet again and before you know it you’re next to her, one arm around her waist, the other holding her arm as you steady her. 

“Easy there,” You say, backing away when you feel her stiffen at your touch. 

“I can walk by myself, just gimme a minute.” 

“Don’t think so,” You say.

“Oh really now, and what are you, a doctor?” She glares at you and the corners of your lips twitch in a smirk.

“I was gonna be when I moved here, yeah. Med student.” You grin and raise an eyebrow at her and then huff she lets out makes your heart clench in that same old way it had when you’d first met Lexa. But you shake it away, focusing on her leg. “Your ankle’s swelling, and it might not be broken but dislodged is just as bad. I need to get that fixed for you.” 

“You?” 

“Do you see any doctors around here?” 

“Uh. Yeah, okay. Whatever.” She crosses her arms and her eyes shift from Jack to you.

“So if I can’t walk, how am I supposed to get home?” 

“I am not carrying anyone.” Jack mumbles, faintly aware of your glare. “No way.” 

“Fine.” You mumble and move to circle her, stepping in front of her. “Hop on.” 

“What? Seriously?” She asks, her arms still crossed.

“You wanna get home or you wanna get eaten?” You grumble, taking a firm stand and waiting for her to jump up on your shoulders. “I need to fix that ankle and if you’re gonna live, you should just get on and we need to hurry before more of those fuckers appear.”

You don’t hear her grumble but you do feel her hands finally brush over your shoulders until she grips them tightly and then you’re barely standing because she jumps on you and you’re suddenly almost falling. But you steady yourself just in time for her not to notice and then her arms are sliding around your shoulders, wrung together just below your throat and suddenly you’re all too aware of how bad this idea was. 

Suddenly she’s right there, exactly where you’ve wanted her all this time. She’s next to you, pressed close to you, her hair is tickling your cheek, her arms are wrapped around you, even her legs have found a snug spot just about your waist and you’ve got them safely tucked underneath your arms but… But it’s so,  _ so  _ not the way you wanted, hoped it would be. 

Your heart aches in ways you can’t explain. It hurts to have her this close, to feel her chest rising, her heart beating almost next to your own, but knowing it won’t speed up just because you’re near. Not the way it used to. 

So you carry her, slowly, as Jack scouts a little ahead, and you’re barely suppressing the tears. You’re trying to keep your head in check, trying to hard not to let the tears spill because you’re so close to falling apart and that would do you no good. 

You figure you’ll just have to make her fall in love with you once more. And you’ll try your best. 

But then you catch her faintly taking a long, deep breath through her nose, and she settles tighter around you, her breath flutters over your cheek and your heart clenches again, but not in a way that hurts. 

You tilt your head to the side, catching her gaze and she glances away, with her cheeks flushed red and her bottom lip pulled between her teeth.

So your heart doesn’t really hurt now. No, this time it’s good because - who knows.

Maybe there’s something, a bit of the girl you used to know, still in there. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You bet your ass there is. She needs something to remind her.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I think it's time Alicia starts remembering, don't you?

You’re sure you’ve been brought back from death itself for a reason. You  _ know _ she is that reason because you didn’t get the chance to be happy in one lifetime so you suppose you at least get the chance to be happy here. Or try to be. 

You still don’t quite understand how you got to be here, in this life, this time and place, or how this person known as Elyza Lex is, in fact, you. Maybe it’s that whole soulmate thing your mother used to tell you about. Something about reincarnation and all that jazz. Maybe it’s because there are, supposedly, an infinitely large amount of universes where you get to be happy, and since the last one clearly wasn’t one of those, you got to get back. 

Just maybe.

There’s a lot of maybes in your head since you first awoke to be Elyza. You’re not quite sure how to deal with all of them yet but you do know that you can. You’re strong, you always have been, and no matter what, you’ll push through.

And apparently, you’re this really badass lady in this universe as well so you’re not really complaining. You smirk at the thought and glance down to your thighs and the knives neatly strapped to them before you adjust the straps of your shotguns, pulling them tighter and more comfortably on your chest. 

“So, Elyza.” The man that Alicia introduced as Travis draws your attention back from your weapons and your head snaps up to meet his gaze. “What brought you here?” 

“School and work.” You say, your voice even and sharp. He seems extremely suspicious but you don’t blame him, not with everything going on outside and what you’ve seen with your own eyes. He has the right to be suspicious. “I was in med school, studying to be a trauma surgeon. I had a fair got at it but this whole thing happened and here I am.” 

“Ah.” He hums, sitting down on the chair across from you. “And you’re from Australia?” 

“Yup.” You say with a grin, you dare even say it’s cocky. Jack has told you so a couple of times but you don’t really care. You’re confident and despite the world you’re in, why shouldn’t you show it? 

“Well in any case, thank you for saving Alicia’s life.” He murmurs and Alicia shifts in her seat next to him, averting her gaze from you. “And for fixing up her ankle.”

“I’ll need to take another look at that later,” You say, staring at her.

“Sure.” She mumbles, wrapping her arms around herself. “Does that mean you’ll be staying?” 

Jack clears his throat and their eyes immediately shift to him. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea. We should go Elyza.” 

Now it’s your turn to look at him, partly shocked and partly annoyed. “We?” 

“Are you two…?” Alicia starts but her words trail off the moment you glance back at her. 

“We’re not… We stumbled upon one another and have been trying to get out of this mess together ever since. Nothing more.” 

Jack huffs and you turn to glare at him but he manages to successfully avert his eyes just in time to avoid the daggers you try to throw at him with your gaze. “Then I guess I’ll be going.” He mumbles and for a moment you feel sorry ‘cause he’s been around for a couple of weeks and you don’t really mind his company but he’s becoming a nuisance and the further you go, the less capable he seems to be.

You’re Wanheda. Strong, ruthless, fearless. And he… He stumbles far too often to be able to keep up. It’s harsh, you know, but you don’t spare him another glance, not until another man emerges from the other room in the house and looks towards Jack.

“An awfully bad time to fall for someone, y’know?” He says as he leans against the doorframe, eyes set on Jack’s. “I’ll go with you.” He mumbles before sitting down on the chair next to you, the only one still free. “I’m Nick,” He says and offers his hand as he looks away from Jack and to you. 

You take it, carefully, and shake it. He’s got a firm grip but you notice the way his hands are trembling instantly. And he’s got a pack of cigarettes in his pocket, his cheeks are pale and you’re pretty sure you’ve never seen bags under someone’s eyes as big as his. 

“Excuse me?” Madison, Alicia’s mother asks, leaning over the table and staring at Nick.

“We need supplies.” He simply says and you realize he’s right. If you’re going to be staying here for a while, you should at least help out with something. “I’m gonna go with him and we’ll be back by tomorrow. Travis can stay here.”

“And guard the women?” You mumble with a smirk. “There’s no need for that. All three of you can go and get whatever you find and I’ll stay here with them and make sure the house remains intact, along with its occupants.” 

You don’t need to look at Le- Alicia to know that she’s staring at you with a grin matching your own. But when you do turn to her, she looks away with a light blush and her lips still slightly curled.

“I wasn’t-”

“Shove it Nick.” Alicia mumbles and Madison looks at her a little disgruntled but says nothing.

“If we hurry, we can find a safe place to hide for the night and grab more supplies tomorrow morning and be back by tomorrow night.” Travis says as he stands up and leaves the kitchen. He returns quickly with a gun in one hand and a pistol in the other. “I suppose you don’t need these?” He looks at Jack.

“Got me own.” Jack mumbles and points to the two holstered pistols on his waist. “What about you?” He looks to Nick who’s been staring at you all along. 

“I’ll take the pistol.” He says as he stands up and moves closer to Travis but not before casting one more glance in your direction. “You sure you’ll be fine here?” His question is directed towards Alicia but you’re quick to quip in with an answer.

“I’ll make sure they are.” 

You can see it in the way he nods that despite his initial distrust and uneasiness, he understands that behind your words, there is leverage. He can trust you because you know that your voice speaks volumes and when it comes to L- Alicia, you wouldn’t lie about ensuring her safety. Not ever, not since… 

You remind herself, mentally, to stop calling her Lexa because if it escapes you once, it’ll make a whole lot of trouble. 

“We’ll be okay.” Alicia says glancing towards you. “I’ve seen her fight, but we’ll lay low and make sure they don’t notice.”

“Good,” Travis says as he once again comes back to the kitchen with a backpack slung over his shoulder. “You two ready?” 

“Yup.” Jack mumbles and looks towards you. “Yo-”

“I’ll be fine.” You mumble and turn away from him to look at Alicia. “You should go lie down and put your leg up so your ankle’s not dangling like that.” 

She nods and hurries to get up and it amuses you to see the great Heda being so obedient and actually listening to you without a single word uttered in protest. It’s funny, yes, but it feels stranger than anything. For a moment you wish she’d at least say something. But she doesn’t. Instead, she’s out of the kitchen and in the living room, lounging on the couch with her leg propped up and a book in her hand. 

You stare after the men, making sure to thoroughly check out the outside of the house before you go back inside and settled down on a chair in the living room, inspecting the space around you carefully.

Alicia’s got her head in her book and she’s got earphones plugged in an old MP3, you suspect she’s had to dig through lots of houses to get the batteries she needs to keep that thing going, so you make a mental note to save any you might come across. 

It’s peaceful and quiet for a long while and you’re not sure when, but you doze off for about half n hour, but you’re not really sleeping. Not when there’s imminent danger right outside the house and not when the girl you’ve been in love with for so long is depending on you to look after her. Your ears perk up to the smallest of noises and you hear her get up and approach you, her breathing is shallow and quiet but you can still hear it. 

Just as she reaches out - to trace a finger over one of your guns, you guess - you snap your eyes open and meet her startled gaze with a smirk and a glint in your eyes.

“Fuck, sorry, did I wake you?” She mumbles, stepping away as she almost hits the small coffee table on her way back to the couch.

“I wasn’t sleeping.” You say with a smile while your heart warms at her words. Even if it’s not Lexa there, she’s still so compassionate, it makes you marvel. “Just resting my eyes.” 

“Right.” She says with her eyebrow raised. 

You can hear Madison rummaging around the kitchen, it’s not too loud but if you can hear it, someone else outside the house might as well so you push yourself up from the chair and head towards the kitchen, casting another glance at Alicia over your shoulder. “I’ll be right back.” You say and she nods before her eyes trail back down to the book in her hands.

Turns out, Madison’s been trying to find some things to make dinner for the three of you and you help her out, meanwhile having a brief conversation with her. She tells you how brave Alicia is and how she’s been out there, all alone, a couple of times but she always came back with stuff and even if she doesn’t listen, she trusts her. Your heart clenches a little at her words because it’s your Lexa she’s talking about and you  _ know _ that she’s brave, you know how big her heart is and how strong she is beneath all those layers. She’s a wolf underneath the soft skin that covers her bones and despite it all, you’re sure she’ll come back to you.

No matter how much time it takes.

After a while you and Madison finish up with the food and move to the living room where Alicia’s dozing off at the couch. You sit down in the chair next to it and she wakes up, eyes glazed with sleep and a tiny smile playing on her lips. 

As you hand her the plate she tilts her head to the side and her smile widens when she says thank you, barely aware of the confused look on Madison’s face and the eyebrow she’s raised in your direction. But you don’t pay her much attention either. 

You just sit back with a smile of her own, and you let the warmth of her eyes wash over you. 

Slowly but surely, she will come back. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter's -the- chapter.


	8. Chapter 8

You’ve decided the night before that you’ll all be sleeping downstairs until the men come back. It seems simpler, in case they come rushing in or some sort of emergency happens.

You don’t exactly sleep at all, you just phase in and out of a state of rest that you’ve grown used to. It’s hard to fall asleep when you’ve got the threat of hundreds, thousands of dead people trying to eat you. Though that doesn’t seem that much of a problem compared to the fact that the love of your life is sleeping right there next to you and you can’t really force yourself to close your eyes and not see here, even for a moment.

You’re afraid that if you stop looking at her, she’ll disappeared. You’re afraid all of this will turn out to have been a dream, a really nice, wonderful dream that you’ll wake from somewhere in the woods, with Polis left far behind you and her lifeless, cold body lying on the bed.

Her peaceful, relaxed features give you the much needed peace that you’ve been looking for all this time. So you try to keep yourself as awake as possible. She’s… She means too much to just be let go, once more.

By the time you become fully awake again, after sleeping for twenty minutes for the eight or so time, you realize the sun has come up. It’s shining in through the closed curtains and a stray sunray had slithered through a hole on the side, almost ending on Alicia’s wonderful, smooth face.

You rise up from the chair, stretching a little with your arms pushed up in the air and you make your way to the curtain, adjusting it so the light doesn’t disturb Alicia’s slumber. When you move to sit back in the chair, you catch Madison’s stare.

“Why do you look at my daughter like you know her?” She asks and you know she has every right to, but all you want to do is let the tears you’ve been holding in finally go, you want to shout at her and yell and tell her that you’ve known her far before Madison ever even thought of her. You want to tell her that Alicia - Lexa - meant the world to you, she _still_ does. But you can’t say something as unintelligible as that. How on earth would you explain it?  
“She reminds me of someone I used to care for.” You say, opting for the simplest and shortest solution. You’re pleased when Madison looks away from you.

“Someone you used to love?” She asks, surprising you a little.

You stare at the back of her head, sitting down in your chair and contemplating for a while. Your eyes shift to Alicia’s sleeping figure for the briefest of moments and you open your mouth to answer but you don’t manage to. There’s a sudden rustle outside the window and you’re out of the chair and staring into the street through the closed blinds, peeking beside the curtains, before Madison’s even processed what’s happened.

“Wha- What’s going-”

“Shush, something’s going on.” Madison whispers before Alicia can finish her sleep-dazed question.

She immediately sits up with her leg still perched up on the couch, groaning a little and you fight the urge to look back at her at the sound but you know you need to make sure she’s safe. You’ll take care of her pain later.

“Someone’s out there.” You murmur in a hushed voice, slowly pulling out one of your shotguns with the fingers of your free hand forming a tight seal around the handle of a knife strapped to your thighs. “I can’t see who. Or what.” You sigh and step away from the window, already making your way towards the front door when Alicia’s quiet voice stops you.

“What are you doing?”

“Going to see what the bloody hell’s goin’ on outside, of course.” You flash her a grin and she rolls her eyes but then she gives you a look, such a knowing, piercing… dazing look. You know it. It’s her trademark _I’m-so-annoyed-by-you-right-now-but-I-really-want-to-make-sure-you’re-safe_ look. It’s so Lexa that the little tremors passing through your body almost stop you in your tracks. But you’re already by the door before she can protest and you unlock it, slowly, before opening it even slower.

When you peek your head out, you groan out in annoyance when you realize it’s Alicia’s brother, Nick, hiding in the bushes, signaling something… to someone, you guess. You follow the curve of his hand and realize he’s signaling for Jack to come over but you don’t see Travis anywhere.

“Nick, what the fuck are you doing.” You grumble and he falls on his ass, just slumping over from his crouching position as you startle him. You chuckle at the sight and he glares at you before standing up and passing by you.

“We need to get moving.” He only mumbles and moves inside, hurrying up the stairs.

You don’t bother asking him any questions because Jack follows soon after him and you know he’ll give you all the answers you want.

“What’s going on?” Madison asks before you can and Alicia’s standing beside her, although you can see from her expression that she shouldn’t really be up, at least not with that leg.

“Walkers.” Jack says and you barely stop the roll of your eyes.

“No shit.” Alicia mumbles and you throw her a grin. You swear her lips twitch in a matching one before your gaze shifts back to Jack.

“No really, I don’t mean a few. I mean like, fucking hundreds. Coming in from the West, picking up speed somehow, but they’re on their way here and I say we’ve got a couple of hours before they’re all over the place.”

“Where’s Travis?” Madison steps in front of him, her eyes set on his.

“Hey lady, chill. He’s across the street, he said he’d take their car since they obviously won’t be needing it anymore.”

“Well considering how dead they are…” Alicia mumbles and her shrug would be super adorable if it weren’t for Madison’s deadly glare.

“I’m gonna go help him.” You say and put your shotgun back in its leather holster, making sure the straps are tight enough.

As you make your way across the street carefully, you hurry towards the front door and inside the house, your eyes taking in the sight of the house almost completely the same as the Clark residence. But then you step in the garage through the back door and your breath hitches in your throat.

“Holy…”

“Hey.” Travis says, “What are you doing here?”

“Gimme a min.” You say as you crouch down next to a black motorcycle, brushing your fingers lightly over the metal. “This is some pretty spiffy shit.” You manage to murmur as your eyes, and fingers, trace over the bike.

“You ride?” Travis asks, walking over to stand next to you.

For a moment you contemplate, realizing that you haven’t ever actually ridden a bike. But then in the next moment you realize that Clarke hasn’t, but Elyza owns one so that solves that problem. “Hell yeah.”

“You can take it if you want,” He says, “I was gonna drain it for gas and store it for later but we’ll have enough for wherever we decide to go. And besides, who’s gonna stop us from using gas pumps.”

“Indeed.” You grin at him and let your hand move to the handle, fingers wrapping tightly around it. “Oh this is a thing of beauty. I haven’t seen a [650](http://www.hardkrome.com/images/515-4010_1920px.jpg) in a while,” You mumble, faintly aware of where the knowledge is coming from, “But I remember the last time I rode one… Man it was like riding on a cloud.” You murmur with a chuckle and Travis smirks at you, going back to his business. “Yup, I’m gonna be taking this.”

“Fine by me.” He says and puts away his tools, shoving them inside the compartment in the SUV. “We’ll be taking this.” His grin matches your own when he walks around the car to stand beside you once again. “Come on, let’s go get ready, then we’ll get all the stuff in here and you two can come with us, so long as we get far away from here.”

“I couldn’t agree more.” You say as you both hurry back to their house.

When you reach it, you realize they’ve already almost finished packing. Alicia and Nick both have large backpacks slung over their shoulders and that’s pretty much it, and Madison’s dragging a large duffel bag along with her.

“We just need to pack some food and we’ll be ready.” She says.

“You ready?” You mumble as you turn to Jack, meeting his stare. You find it uncomfortable, but now is neither the time nor the place to fight him over his recent behaviour. You couldn’t really care less anyway.

“Yeah.” He says with a smirk and pats his pistol. “Always.”

“Good.” You say. “I’ll meet you all outside.”

As you make your way back across the street, you smirk to yourself because deep down, you’re actually really excited to be riding a bike again. You do realize it’s Elyza’s thoughts that are speaking, but you don’t mind them. You are Elyza after all, and any distraction from the whole ‘dead people trying to kill us’ thing is a good distraction.

You peek through the small window on the garage door, waiting for everyone to leave the house and as soon as you see them, you move to get the large door open before you shuffle to the bike and settle on it.

The second your hands grip to the handles, it feels good, _really_ good. It’s soothing and exciting at the same time, and you can’t wait to bring it to life. So you start it up but you don’t miss the gasp that comes from outside the door the second the engine starts.

“Yo- You’re going on that?” Alicia asks, her voice slightly raised.

“Yup.” You murmur with a smirk. “Wanna hitch a ride, princess?” Your voice leaves you as more of a teasing, taunting remark but you don’t expect her to actually take the bait. To your, and everyone’s surprise, she’s beside you in a moment, swinging one leg over the bike and sitting down as if she’s done it a million times by now.

“Sure.” She murmurs behind you.

“Alicia get off that.” Madison grumble but then Alicia’s hands slowly slide to your sides and everything that Madison says after that is kind of blurred out by the fluttering in your chest.

“Let her,” Nick mumbles as he and Jack load a box into the back of the SUV, “She said Elyza can fight well and she’s already taken care of her, right?”

You’re pretty sure Alicia’s throwing him thankful glances, so are you, but then Madison goes on a rather loud rant and Travis has to literally take her hands to soothe her.

“Madison, I’m sure Elyza will make sure Alicia’s safe at all times, right?” He turns to meet your eyes.

“Of course I will.” You say, utterly and completely serious. You mean every single word and if anything actually were to happen to her, you’d never forgive yourself. You can watch her die once, but twice… Nothing could prepare you for that. “We’ll be behind you all the time anyway.”

“Exactly. And no splitting up unless we bump into serious trouble, ok?”

Madison tries to speak again but Travis runs his hand over her cheek and she swallows her words, walking over to Alicia and kissing her lightly on the forehead. “Be careful,” You hear her murmur before she throws a worried glance your way.

“Don’t worry, I’ve got her.” You say with a smile.

“I can take care of myself,” Alicia grumbles but you’ve already started the bike and you’re slowly backing out of the garage as they load the last of their stuff. You wait as they pull out and as soon as they’re off, you’re behind them, following close by.

It’s not until you feel Alicia’s arms tightening at your waist that you feel the need to speak up, over the wind pushing through your hair.

“You okay back there?”

“Yeah,” You hear her say. She sounds a little worried, but you figure it’s normal, with everything that’s happening and the way her life must have turned upside down. All of this is hard to accept, let alone get used to.

“We’ll be okay.” You murmur, more to yourself than to her. You’re not even sure she hears you, but then her chin’s pressing softly against your shoulder and her grip tightens around your waist and for the first time since you’ve awoken to this life, you’re truly glad to be alive once again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alicia totally doesn't have a thing for Elyza. Especially not when she's looking smokin' hot and totally badass on a motorcycle. Nope, she's doesn't have a thing for her, at all.  
> And yup, that is Elyza's new ride in the link there.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guess who gets some alone time?

You remember the last time you felt this good. With the wind blowing in your face, the sun shining, warming your skin and your insides fluttering with excitement. There’s a storm brewing underneath your ribcage and you know you shouldn’t let it become a big thing, but you can’t help the smile that’s crept on your lips hours ago. 

You remember the walk, slow-paced and calm, the silence of the nature only broken with her murmurs and the horses occasionally stirring. 

It kinds of feels like that time. Only this time, her arms are around you and it feels ten times stronger, it’s almost painful how real it is. 

But you know it’s not her. Not yet, at least. And you have to remind yourself not to stop and turn around and kiss her because it’s not her. Not just yet. Alicia is Lexa, in many ways, but in those precise ways that made your heart clench, she is still missing. Still not there. 

Still, you allow yourself to revel in the feel of her arms around your waist, the tight press of her fingers at your front and the soft, gentle way she lays her chin on your shoulder. It soothes you, calms you. 

You’ve been riding for half a day by now and you can tell she’s getting tired. Her arms feel a little tense and your own grip is nearly faltering. Luckily, Travis is pulling up on the side of the road by the time you realize you should rest. As you come to a stop, Alicia pulls herself away from you ever so slowly, and for a fleeting moment, you hope it’s because she enjoys your presence as well. 

“We should rest for a bit.” You hear Travis say as you approach them by the car, watching them carefully though your eyes always seem to wander to her. 

“Where are we going anyway?” Alicia asks as she leans against the car door before sitting down beside it and stretching her legs. 

“Outside of town is our best shot.” You say, staring back at the city that you’ve managed to leave behind a couple of hours ago. 

“Elyza’s right,” Travis mumbles and hands you a bottle of water, “We should find a house somewhere near the mountains, a cottage or something that’s remote enough for us to have a few days to rest before we decide on our next move.” 

From the corner of your eye you notice how fidgety Jack is so you walk over to him, mumbling when you step next to him. “What do you think?” 

“It’s a good idea. But if the army’s left, that means they’ve no intention on coming back any time soon.” 

“We’ll be lucky if we manage to actually survive the next couple of days…” Nick grumbles from the side, sitting down next to Alicia. “We were left for dead anyway, nobody cares about us or anyone else who might have gotten out alive.” 

“They’ll be back.” Madison says, rustling through a bag. “They have to. This can’t go on forever.” 

“But what if it does?” Alicia asks and you’re struck with a sudden pang of fear because her eyes immediately land on yours and you find yourself wondering what sort of a future you have if her question turns out to be true.

“They won’t just leave things as they are. They’ll bomb the place.” Jack mumbles with a shrug. “It’s the easiest thing to do.” 

“Then leaving the city was the best course of action.” Travis adds with a nod. 

You remain silent, leaning against the car and glancing around, observing, as your thoughts wander for a while. Then you push yourself away from the car and walk back to the bike, sitting down on it. “I’m gonna go scout on ahead.” You say as you start the engine. “Stay here and watch out for any sign of danger. If anything happens, head after me.” 

“You can’t go alone.” Jack quips in and begins to walk towards you but Nick stops him.

“You know better than to worry ‘bout me.” You grin at him. 

“He’s right.” Alicia says, “Someone should go with you.” 

“No.” You stop her before she can say anything more. “I can take care of myself.” 

“I kn-  _ We _ know you can,” She quickly corrects herself and she’s on her feet before any of them can stop her. “I’m going with you.” 

“Alicia-” Madison tries but her words die out on her lips before she can even finish her sentence. Alicia’s already by your side and straddling the bike with her arms snug around you. 

“Travis, do something!” Madison shouts but you’re already driving away with a grin, chuckling when you hear Alicia mutter something to herself. 

When you’ve driven away from them and you near the forest edge, you slow down a little so you don’t have to shout your question.

“You just can’t get enough of me, can you princess?” 

She doesn’t answer but you feel her embrace tighten sharply before she lays her head on your shoulder and mumbles next to your ear. You almost miss it, what with the hum of the engine and the light breeze of wind passing you by, but you do hear the words, and they warm your heart in ways you can’t explain.

“There’s just… You’re… I don’t know.” 

You’d like to say something to that, you’ve thousands of words at the tip of your tongue, just ready to burst, to slip out and spill over the air around you, but for now - silence will say it all. It will say enough, for this moment. 

As you drive further into the forest, the roads gets a little narrower and you actually feel the air become clearer. The stuffiness is out of it, you can actually inhale and take a deep, long breath as the wind wheezes past you. It feels nice to finally be able to not think about the possibility of having your head bitten off, if only for a little while. 

You’re considering the sad option of going back to meet them and then venturing all together to find a safe spot when you catch a glimpse of something from the corner of your eye. You slow down and feel Alicia stir behind you, with her voice following a moment later.

“There!” She exhales, pointing towards the cottage. 

You nod and start to pull over, slowly trailing off the road and driving as far as you can, to get a little nearer to it. You have to stop soon though because the distance between each tree is getting smaller and you don’t want to get the bike stuck somewhere in mud. Alicia hops off first and moves to rush over but you grab her by her wrist, all but yanking her into your arms.

“Careful, doll.” You murmur and she rolls her eyes at you.

“You don’t have to treat me like a kid, you know?” She grumbles and you let go of her, brushing yourself off and stepping aside. “I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself.”

“Really now?” You raise an eyebrow at her and she squirms a little before crossing her arms and turning on her heels, albeit clumsily because you suspect her ankle still bothers her.

“You haven’t seen me fight yet.” 

The moment you hear the words, your heart leaps in your chest. It feels like it’s banging on the wall of bones around it, slamming itself against them as it tries to escape, to fly away on the flutters that her words have sent through your very being. Before you can react though, she’s already walking away and it takes you a minute, or two, to compose yourself and gather your thoughts - and the remnants of your heart that’s managed to shatters itself with all the beating, you guess - before you manage to follow. 

Your eyes follow her figure as she reaches the cottage and carefully peers inside through the window but her groan’s so audible that even a couple of feet away, you still hear it. 

“Can’t see inside.” 

“Duh.” You chuckle and sidestep around her, reaching the door before she gets a chance to. It’s stuck somehow, not locked, but nothing a little force can’t fix, so you slam yourself against it, shoulder first, a couple of times and feel it finally bulge. 

She tries to step inside but you block her path, reaching for one of your shotguns as you pull it out of the holster and offer it to her. “Take this.” 

“I… I can’t use that.” She stutters, eyes bouncing from yours to the gun. 

“Something’s off about this place and I’d feel much safer if you just took the bloody gun Alicia.” It’s the first time you catch yourself saying her name so strongly, and it takes both of you aback a little.

“I don’t know how to use it you prick.” She grumbles and rolls her eyes and you sigh, mentally chiding yourself for your reaction.

“Sorry. Here, take these then.” You say as you put the gun back and hand her the two knives you’ve had strapped to your legs. “Kay?” 

She shrugs before taking them and ducking inside carefully.

As peaceful as the place seems, you feel an odd vibe, something just doesn’t add up. It doesn’t feel right here and you’re not sure you should let her out of your sight, as much as she says she can take care of herself. It’s not that you don’t trust her but the thought… The thought… You can’t.

“We should go.” You mumble and walk behind her, glancing around the darkened room. 

“Scared are we?” She turns around with the faintest smirk on her lips and her eyes are the greenest you’ve seen them, with that little glint Lexa always had when she challenged you, in any way.

“Really?” You raise an eyebrow and she turns around with a shrug.

The cottage turns out to be bigger than you’d initially thought and you can see the stairs at the back of a long hall, but then you hear a rustle coming from upstairs and your hands are on her hips, dragging her close to you, before you can stop yourself.

“Hey what the-” 

“Shhhhh,” You try to silence her, gripping to her waist and stepping around her, trying to shield her from whatever is about to come down those stairs. 

She quiets down immediately, ducking behind you and stopping in her tracks when another creak of the floor above you makes both of stare at the stairs. 

But then everything falls silent and all you can hear is your heart hammering in your chest and her breathing, soft and shallow, behind your back. 

You slowly make your way towards the stairs because whatever is up there, won’t expect you to come towards it, and it’ll all be over faster than if you just sit around and wait. Alicia’s fingers brush over your arm and her firm grip stops you, while you glance over your shoulder to look at her.

“Why are we going up there again?” She whispers, eyes searching yours.

“I’m not about to sit around and wait to see what’ll come down to kill us. Come on,” You whisper back and tug her closer, but still making sure to shield her with your body. Somewhere around the middle of the stairs, there’s another creaking sound, then a soft, barely audible thud, and you hear the wind push through, the sound of it crashing against the wooden walls of the house. When you finally reach the top of the stairs, Alicia’s hand has somehow slipped into your free one and, despite the dreary moment you’ve found yourself in, you’re pretty sure your heart’s hammering because of the warmth of her skin against yours. 

You barely manage to step into the hall when another thud, much closer this time, welcomes you and before you know it, you’re pushing Alicia to the side because you see something from the corner of your eye in the room on the left, something small and moving around. She tries to peer over your shoulder but you step forward quickly, slam the door open with your foot and point your shotgun in the direction of the… the thing.

Seconds later your ears are filled with boisterous laughter and when you turn around, Alicia’s bent over, hands on the stomach, shoulders shaking from the strength of her laugh. 

“Oh my god,” She wheezes out after a minute or so of your staring at her, “You almost shot a fucking raccoon!” She looks up to meet your eyes and straightens up, only to fall into another fit of chuckling and wheezing when she’s short of breath once again.

You’d tell her off, but the sight of her, with that gorgeous wide smile and her cheeks all puffy and slightly red, her shoulder sagging and that glint in her eyes - it’s all too much. It’s wonderful and beautiful and if your heart still hasn’t burst in your chest by now, it might just, in the next minute or so. 

You remain silent, just watching, basking in her pure, raw joy, not even slightly bothered that she’s actually laughing at you and the absurdity of the situation you found yourself in not long ago. Having her smile and laugh is enough to erase the world around you, to leave only the two of you, right there, in that moment.

All you want to do is kiss her, run your hands over her cheeks and twirl your fingers in her hair. All you want is for her hands to find your waist, to pull you close, for her lips to push against your own, her warmth to spread through you. Maybe…

“Elyza?” She murmurs, her voice finally back to a normal octave.

“Sorry doll, I got distracted by your smile,” You say before turning around on your heel and heading into the room. You glance shortly over her shoulder and that same girl that’s been laughing at your for the past couple of minutes is now so red in her cheeks, so adorably bashful that you can’t really help the way your lips curl in the most devious of grins. 

The raccoon's already fled the room, you suspect it got out the same way it got in - through the broken window on the far side. So you turn around, brush past Alicia but feel her follow immediately, you take a look in the other two rooms and turn to look at her with the same grin you’ve been wearing for a while now.

“What do you say princess, good enough to crash for the night?” 

She rolls her eyes at you but nods and before you know it, the two of you are back on the bike and off to meet the rest of them and bring them back here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you guess right?


	10. Chapter 10

When you bring them back to the cottage, you notice how oddly peaceful everything around it is. The forest is silent, there are no birds, no strange animal noises, not even the usually annoying bugs to disturb the quiet. But you find the quiet disturbing now, as much as you longed for it before. 

Travis takes his time inspecting the place, walking around and checking every single thing he finds suspicious. Madison joins him for a little while when you all bring in the supplies that you intend on using that evening. Nick can’t be bothered to drag himself out of the car for at least half hour and when he does, he only scampers to the couch and stays there for the rest of the night.

Jack is silent, as usual, observing and occasionally answering Nick’s questions or talking to Travis about this and that.

More often than not, your gaze travels to Alicia and you catch yourself staring blatantly for minutes, until she either looks straight back at you or the sensible part of your brain manages to convince that it’s more than just creepy being like that. 

It’s hurtful, in all honesty. To none other than yourself, but you refuse to believe it. The nagging feeling in your gut just won’t let you walk away. And you could have, that very first day you saw yourself in the forest of her eyes. It hurts, yes, but it hurt even more the last time you let her go. 

By the time you all settle in the cottage, the sun has already set. Of course there’s no electricity, even though you see the wiring but ever since the whole walker thing started, the whole area’s been in darkness. It’s better this way for now, at least - you won’t attract any attention and maybe everyone can rest a bit.

Jack and Nick seem to have hit it off because they’re busy in the large living room area, sitting on the couch and playing some card game. Jack has been carrying that pack of cards around with him ever since you stumbled upon him and you’re glad he’s not forcing you to play another game with him. Even though you feel his eyes on you most of the time, he looks away whenever you turn in his direction. He’s got things on his mind and you know he doesn’t like being around too many people, you’ve come to realize that much, but you couldn’t possibly care less about what his mind has conjured about you. If he had any intentions or ideas, it’s good they seem to be gone now. You don’t need him thinking of you as anything else other than just another person that is trying to survive in this mess.

Madison and Travis are in the kitchen, bickering about something and you’ve shushed them more than a couple of times already, earning yourself a few glares from Madison. Travis seems to understand the whole ‘we’re in hiding’ situation a lot better than her but you suspect of all the things they could be bickering about, you’re the topic of their discussion. 

Ever since Alicia and you had returned, Madison’s done nothing but glare at you and as much as you don’t really care, it wouldn’t do any of you any good to fight. You keep to yourself in the far corner of the large living area and occasionally you glance towards Alicia, taking in her features and wondering just how much longer you’ll be able to simply look at her and not go crazy with the need to kiss her.

Travis approaches you slowly, handing you a cup of what seems to be tea. 

“Thanks,” You mumble and take the mug in your hands, clasping your fingers tightly around it. “We need to sleep in shifts and keep moving as soon as we’re all up and rested tomorrow.” 

“No, you all go sleep, Madison and I will stay up, we’ve already talked it over.” 

“You think that’s a good idea?” You ask him, raising an eyebrow before taking a sip of the tea. It’s fairly good, considering how long you haven’t had any warm drink.

“Yeah, Jack can drive tomorrow if you’re not going away yet, and you and Alicia went scouting today so it’s only fair you sleep. We’ll sleep in the car.” 

For a moment, you consider, but then you realize he’s actually right and his words make sense. “Alright,” You sigh. 

You glance over to Alicia’s whos stood up from her spot and is walking over towards the two of you with a questioning look on her face. “What are you two talking about?” 

“Plans,” Travis murmurs, “Nothing you’d care about.” 

“I think she can speak for herself,” You mumble, more to youself than either of the two, and you smirk a little, remembering how Lexa used to say those words. It’s a warm memory, strong and proud.

Alicia seems to ignore him as she turns to you, “What plans?” 

“Travis and Madison are staying up to keep guard and we’ll go to sleep.” 

“All four of us?” 

“Yes.” You say and take another sip of the tea. 

“There’s only two beds.” She says, matter of factly, before turning to Travis. “Where are we all gonna fit?” 

“You and Nick can share a room,” He mumbles, “And Elyza and Jack will take the other.” 

“I need to share a bed with Nick?” Alicia groans out and you can’t help the chuckle that escapes you. She glares at you but you’re pretty sure there’s a hint of a blush on her cheeks. 

“Then you can go sleep with Elyza, I don’t really care.” He grumbles, turning on his heel and leaving the two of you staring at each other. 

You’ve got your mug in your hands, close to your lips and you’re thanking all the gods you can remember that you didn’t decide to take a sip just before said that. The insinuations, the way your mind wanders almost instantly… It’s dangerous, all too dangerous. 

“You better not hog the blankets.” She says as she swiftly turns away from you and heads towards the stairs. “And we’re lighting a few candles ‘cause this place is freaky enough without all the darkness.”

You’re still not sure if your brain’s been processing all this information right, but you think it has. It has to be, right? She did just say she’s going to share the bed with you, right? You didn’t imagine it. You couldn’t have because you’re sure the words left her mouth. 

“Nick and Jack, you get the room at the far end of the hallway!” She calls and hurries up the stairs but stops in her tracks somewhere at the middle, glancing at you over her shoulder, “Come on, Slowpoke.” 

You’re walking towards her before you even realize your legs are moving. They seem to carry you to her without an order. It’s as if she draws you in more than anything else possibly could and you don’t really mind the way she can command you without even knowing that. 

Somewhere in the back of your mind you can hear Madison muttering her protests and the piercing stare Jack is sending your way is burning at the back of your skull. But they don’t matter. 

No one, except the woman in front of you, matters. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heh. Here's that chapter everyone's been waiting for.

The moment you step foot in the bedroom and the door closes behind you, the rest of the world falls away. You lean back against it, unsure if you should follow in her footsteps or not, and it’s as if there is nothing else left but her and you, in this small room with nothing but a few pieces of furniture in between and around you and a stillness in the air that neither of you can ignore. 

It feels familiar, sort of like that moment when you found yourself standing in front of Lexa’s door, wondering how stupid you are for doing what you were about to do then. In the end, it was the smartest thing you’d ever done, but that very stillness just before you went in and… and let her know how much you truly cared for her, that stillness seems to follow you around. Especially when she’s near, in one form or another.

Alicia’s a little fidgety, cautious and you dare say, nervous. She’s moved over to the window on the far side of the room, standing by it and staring outside. There’s not much to see, what with the darkness of the night and the trees blocking the view, but you can feel there’s something on her mind. It’s as if she’s trying to gather enough courage to speak.

You haven’t been around her enough to know her that well, but you know the person inside, all too well. You wish you could have a glimpse at her mind, just a peek into her thoughts, her heart and soul, just a moment to touch and brush your existence against her. Maybe it would make you feel closer to her. 

Or maybe it would just leave you empty. 

As you settle down in a small chair placed by the wall across from her, you let out a low sigh and finally hear her voice. 

“It’s gonna be cold tonight,” She says, not bothering to turn around.

“Mmhm.” You hum. “Check the closet, there might be a blanket or something. I’m fine like this.” 

“Like this?” She asks, looking over her shoulder.

You wave a hand over yourself with your head tilted slightly. 

She crosses her arms and turns to fully face you, leaning back against the wall and letting out a long, drawn out sigh.

“This is so fucked.” She finally says, her voice quiet.

“The imminent apocalypse or the I-haven’t-had-a-shower-in-days situation?” Your lips curl in a small smirk as the words leave you.

“All of this.” She mumbles, “Everything. I… I’m so sick of this. The hiding, the running, watching people I know turn into… into something, killing those same people and dozens of others… Fuck.” She groans out with the last word, raising one hand to pinch the bridge of her nose. “It’s all…” 

“Too much.” You finish for her and rest your hands on your legs. “I know.” 

“Do you though?” She asks and the way she’s looking at you, it feels like her eyes are burning a hole through yours and reaching for your very core.

“I do.” You say quietly, realizing just as you say it that those words hit more home than you’d like to admit. Because you’re tired as well. So tired of never being the lucky one, tired of having it all one moment and losing it the other, too tired of living in a world that gives you all the chances you could ever wish for only to take them back the moment your heart soars into happiness. You are just so tired. 

“Sorry,” She says, glancing away for a moment before her eyes return to yours, “I didn’t mean to assume.” 

“We’re all good, doll.” You say with a gentle smile and for the first time since you’ve stumbled upon her again, she doesn’t frown at the word. She doesn’t even roll her eyes, she just stares at you with a look you can’t really define, and her gaze is steady, long and… and calming.

After what feels like an eternity of silence, she finally speaks again as she pushes herself away from the wall and moves to check the closet. “Who were you before all of this happened?” She glances back over her shoulder at you for a moment. “And don’t sell me the med student bullshit.” 

“Bullshit?” You raise an eyebrow and she turns around fully, holding a large duvet in her arms. 

“I’ve been watching you.” She says and puts the duvet down, spreading it over the bed. “You’re… The way you fight, the way you sit back and observe, it’s not… It’s almost like you’ve been fighting your whole life, surviving through all sorts of shit. Have you?” 

You should have known better than to underestimate her like this. You should have realized that, despite the fact that this is Alicia standing in front of you, that deep down - it’s the same woman. She’s in ways different, of course, and you’ve yet to get to know her but at her very core, she is one and the same. The considerate, compassionate Commander that you grew to love. The Heda whose strong, observant nature caught your eye the moment you first saw her. It’s Lexa, deep down. And of course she noticed. Of course she’d know you even better than you know yourself. 

It would be pointless to lie to her and you’d never do that. You don’t ever want to do that.

“I have.” You say, your voice barely above a whisper.

“Why?” 

You cross your legs and smirk a little. “Is it a cliche if I say life’s hard?” 

Then she frowns and you find it silly how much that tiny little, adorable expression warms your heart. 

“I’ve had a lot of ups and downs and I’ve learnt to get up quickly and move on. I never have anything too long before someone,  _ life _ , decides to take it away from me. I’ve had a few things and they’ve all gone walkabout.” You murmur, letting the words slip over your lips almost hastily. 

“You lose someone?” She asks as you watch her sit down on the bed and slip underneath the covers.

“Yeah.” 

“I did too.” She mumbles and pulls up her sleeve, revealing a strip of ink just below the thin skin of the inside of her elbow. Her finger brushes over the tattoo and you lower your gaze when the clenching of your heart becomes to much to bear.

Of course she’d found love in this world. She deserved it. She deserved so much better than what she had. But it still hurts to think of anyone else being in her heart the way you know only you were. It hurts to know she’d given someone herself, someone that wasn’t you, someone else. 

“Did he die?” Her voice brings your back from your thoughts and you look up at her.

“Who?” You mumble, genuinely confused by her question. 

“You said you lost someone. Did he die? Or just… leave?”

“ _ She,” _ You murmur and study her gaze, oddly pleased when she doesn’t twitch on the word, “She meant a lot. Sometimes I think she meant more to me than I ever really thought anyone would. More than my life, more than anyone’s life…” You sigh and brush your fingers over the armrest, looking up to meet her eyes once more. “She was killed.”

“I’m sorry,” Alicia murmurs and pulls the covers tighter around herself, her eyes set intently on yours, “Were you together long?” 

You can’t help the chuckle that escapes you. “For a couple of hours.” You say and grin at the way her eyebrows raise in confusion.

“Wait, what?” 

“We never got the chance to- I never told her what she meant to me.”

“How could she mean so much if you weren’t even together?” 

“We… It’s a complicated story. One that I’d love to tell you all about but-”

“But you won’t. That’s okay, it’s personal, I get it.” Alicia mumbles and moves to turn on her side, but not before speaking again, albeit more hesitantly than before. “Did you love her?” 

It takes you a couple of moments to process the question, then you give yourself a little time to bask in the answer that you’ve known for the longest time. If love was about making decisions, you’d decide to love her over and over again. But you do even if it’s the most natural thing in the world for you. 

“I still do.” You murmur to the quiet of the room.

Silence welcomes your answer so you stand up and move to blow out a couple of candles, leaving only two to light the room up enough to be able to move around without hitting anything. Alicia’s quiet and so very still in the bed, for a moment you think she’s fallen asleep. 

But you can hear her breathing shallow and rapid, and she squirms just a little under the covers before she pulls the half way over her head mutters something that you can’t quite understand. It’s too quiet and muffled with the blankets. 

The air around you is slightly warmer than you’d expected it to be, and if you strain your eyes enough, you can see a bit of the forest in the distance. The moon is bright and large and the way it lights up the place is wonderful. It gives you a sense of calm, something to rely on, knowing that it’ll always be there. 

You’d love to think she’s the same but - she doesn’t even remember. The further you go along with this life, the harder it gets.

When Alicia’s breathing finally evens out, you stand up and walk over, checking to see if she’s asleep. She is gorgeous, as always, even with her hair falling down her cheek and her lips a little chapped from all the biting she’s doing. Subconsciously you reach out, almost touching her, brushing your fingers over her cheek but you manage to stop yourself in time, instead adjusting the covers before you move back over to the chair and settle down into it. 

You lean your head back and let your hands rest on the side. You glance once more towards her before you close your eyes and your voice comes out raspy and low, melding with the quiet of the room.

“Reshop, Heda.” 

Silence. 

Nothing but deafening, loud silence. 

“Goodnight, Ambassador.” 

Then there’s no more silence, just the thunder roaring in your chest. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this what you wanted? Did I deliver?


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, I'm not going to don my 'i'm-breaking-everyone's-hearts' outfit. Just delaying the inevitable a little.

Morning always comes too soon for you but, this time, it doesn’t seem to come soon enough. 

You’d slept two, maybe three hours in total and, despite the fact that you need sleep more than anyone, it simply escaped you. And the little of it that you did have was restless, full of vile, broken dreams and ended with you waking up with heavy breaths and heaving, gasping for air. 

The more you think about it, the better the idea of never sleeping again seems. 

All you get when you sleep is things that you don’t wish to see, things you’ve tried so hard to push away. Fears that seem to haunt you ever since you can remember and regrets that are always right there, behind you. And in front of you, it seems.

Always the same black blood dripping over your fingers, the same green eyes etched in your memory and the same, warm lips that you so thirst for. 

And the pain is always the same. First it’s like an iceberg has lodged itself just beneath your ribcage, then it bursts, shatters into millions of tiny pieces, smashing against your lungs and cutting through them viciously until there’s nothing of you left, other than an empty shell that will soon disappear.

You know you’re broken. But you don’t need your dreams reminding you of it. 

So you don’t really remember the moment you first fell asleep after the mini heartattack Alicia gave you a few hours ago. It must have been an hour or so later, but time has been such a strange notion for you that you don’t even bother with it anymore. The thing that you do remember is the dreaded, sickeningly sharp burst of pain in your chest that spread through your whole being faster than anything ever has when you realized Alicia was, in fact, sleeping when she said the words you’d heard. 

You stubbed your toe when you slipped out of the chair and practically jumped across the room to rush to her side when she mumbled in her sleep. You thought she was awake, you’d hoped more than ever, but it seems it’s just the way things go for you - hope is rarely a good thing to be carrying around.

Alicia was fast asleep, snuggled underneath the covers, with a puzzling expression and her brows knitted tightly together but other than that - what she said was purely unconscious, you’re sure. Yes, now you know she does remember, even if it only deep inside. 

But would it hurt to have a little more to hold on to?

You don’t exactly know who you’re asking. You just know you are but there’s hardly any answer.

When you wake up, for the third and final time, the sun’s just come out and you can feel a few stray sunrays peeking through the trees outside the window and shining upon you. They haven’t exactly reached our eyes yet but you feel the warmth on your legs and you sprawl them out, basking in the glorious feeling of coming back to life - ironically - after a night such as this.

Alicia’s still asleep when you finally do get out of the chair and you allow yourself a few more minutes of silence and her little half smile. It somehow gives you more joy than being alive, and the intensity, the depth of those feelings scares you, even if just a little. 

But then she stirs and you freeze in place, whipping your head away from her and fixing your stare out the window. From the corner of your eye you see her sit up on the bed, push away the covers and stretch with her arms held above her head. You wish you could stare at her without restraint, you wish you could allow yourself the freedom to memorize every dip and line of her face, the way each and every lock of hair sways down over her shoulders and the way her lips twitch after she yawns. You remember those things but - you wish you could refresh your memory. 

Maybe someday. 

“You been up long?” Alicia murmurs and her voice is softer than you’ve ever heard it.

“Couple of minutes.” You say, glancing over your shoulder. “Sleep well?” 

“Well enough.” She murmurs again, stretching once more and tilting her head your way. “I’ve been having the weirdest dreams lately.”

“Yeah?” You question but you don’t really expect her to tell you about it. Surprisingly, she adjusts the pillow behind her and leans back against the headboard, sprawling her hands over the covers.

“Yeah… It’s kind of like… They seem so real.” She sighs. “This is gonna sound so stupid.” She grumbles, more to herself but the silence around you gives you the opportunity to bask in her voice, no matter how quiet.

“What are they about?” 

“They’re… They’re about me but, it’s not really me?” She looks up at you and you shrug, hoping she continues talking. It doesn’t exactly matter what about, as long as you get to hear her. “It’s me but in a different world, some kind of post-apocalyptic world and these weird clans and stuff and I’m there, commanding them and I’m this weirdly badass chick.” She grins at you but your expression remains unmoved. 

You remain frozen, again, because you don’t think her dreams are stupid. If anything, they give you a newfound hope. Your heart’s already leapt so high and far that by the time she stops talking, you’re feeling all too giddy inside.

“That doesn’t sound stupid at all.” You say, trying to sound as unimpressed as possible. “Dreams have a lot of meanings.”

“So what are you trying to say? That there’s some meaning behind this nonsense?” 

“It’s not nonsense.” You cut her off, mentally slapping yourself when your voice comes out cold and harsh. “What else do you see in your dreams?” 

“Soldiers. And people that aren’t like these… That aren’t like the clan people. Different ones, and there’s one… One figure…” 

You gasp, softly, and turn to fully face her. “Yeah?” 

“A woman I can’t really see. She… I can’t see her face. No matter how hard I try to remember when I wake up, I can’t see her face. I don’t think I see it in my dreams either. I mean, I’d be able to remember, right?” Her expression softens even further and all you want is to sit down beside her and pull her in your embrace. “I have some sort of title there, something everyone calls me… Uh…” 

_ Heda.  _

“Heda. Everyone calls me Heda.” She mumbles and brushes a hand through her hair. “Badass commander Alicia. Heda of twelve clans.” She grins at you again and pushes herself off the bed. “You’re right. They’re not stupid dreams.” She turns around to face you before reaching the door. “If I can’t have a nice reality, I can at least have nice dreams, right?” 

You wish you could say they’re nice. You wish her dreams were better than reality… But you know she’s so wrong about this, you know her reality is far better than what her dreams are. ‘Cause at one point, she will dream of black blood and piercing gunshots and you, crying above her and - it’s gonna be so much more devastating that reality. 

“Yeah.” You only murmur and walk after her, sighing when your heart clenches at the small smile she gives you. “Right.”

While you walk downstairs behind her, the whole night becomes a lot clearer. The words she mumbled in her sleep make sense now. You realize she really does remember, deep down. But her dreams still haven’t blured into reality. Her memory is still a part of her unconscious. 

“Morning,” Jack’s voice brings you back from your thoughts and you nod in his direction before turning to face Nick.

“Mornin’.” You say and shrug past him but you stop in your tracks when he bumps your shoulder. “Yes?” You ask when his eyes settle on yours and he tries to stare you down.

“I want a word with you.” He mumbles.

“Have we got a problem mate?” 

“I’m not your mate.” 

“Sure you are.” You grin at him but the fingers on your right hand clench into a fist. “Better you than the things outside.” 

He grabs you by your arm and drags you away from the living area, away from the rest of the group. You’re pretty sure you can snap his neck in one swift motion but that would not exactly win you any points with Alicia so you push the nagging feeling of anger back in its oversized bottle and lean against the wall when he tries to push you against it.

“What do you want with my sister?” He asks, arms crossed at his chest. The way his eye twitches makes you want to punch him in the gut. Junkies - what a great thing to have around in the middle of an apocalypse.

“‘Scuse me?” You mumble, turning away from him.

“I’ve been watching you and you’ve got this look in your eye… You’re always looking at her.” 

“She’s nice to look at.” You say, matter-of-factly.

His finger lodges into your shoulder and you’re a second away from punching him through a wall. 

“You may have saved her life and you sure come in handy in all this fuckery but I swear to god, if you lay a hand on he-”

“You’ll what?” You ask, swatting his hand away and grabbing at the front of his shirt with both your hands, pushing him against the wall as you reverse your position. “What will your junkie ass do to me? Huh? And what exactly do you think I want with your sister?” 

“I don’t know but whatever it is I-”

“You have nothing to do with me. Or the way I look at your sister. But for the record,  _ kid _ , Alicia can take care of herself. And if she prefers my company, I’m fine with that. And you should be too. Because I can only imagine the shit you’ve all been through and I know what kind of crap I dug myself out of. If she finds solace in my company, you should fuck off. And trust me, you do not want me to make you.”

He tries to push you away but you know he doesn’t have an ounce of strength in him, compared to you. 

“You’re alright.” He finally says, after a few moments of complete silence.

As you let him go you move to stand beside him and a quiet laugh escapes you, enough to let him know that your guard might just come down with him in your presence. 

“You know, I thought Travis would sneak up on me like this, even Madison, but not you.”

“Just ‘cause I’m a junkie doesn’t mean I don’t care about my sister.” 

“Yeah.. I know you do.” 

“Just… You’ll look out for her, right?” 

You don’t need to answer his question. You both know it’s not really a question. It’s more like an agreement, his acknowledgement of the bond that you and Alicia share. It may be somewhat unimportant to you, but you know it means a lot to him.

And you don’t really mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think we need more Alicia/Elyza time, don't you? It's only fair they get to know each other better. Oh and, if you wanna throw stuff at me, be it questions/ideas/headcanons (or plain canons), feel free to say hi on my tumblr @kittymannequin, i'm always up for talking.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> couple more chapters before we get to that one that you really, really want

It’s a little after breakfast that everyone starts packing and things are being loaded inside the car. You help out with a few things before you wander around the cottage, trying to find Alicia who’s managed to disappear.

You realize that there’s a short trail that leads behind the house and into a little cavern and it’s not until you hear an unfamiliar grunt and shallow yelp that you’re running like crazy with your shotgun already unholstered. You don’t even make it half way towards where the yelp came from when Alicia comes running your way and nearly stumbling into you, her pupils blown wide and an axe in one hand. 

“What the bloody hell happened?” 

She shrugs, so nonchalantly that your stomach twists up in little nervous knots. “I went to check out this path, stumbled upon a walker, took care of it.” Even if you weren’t looking at her, you’d know she’s smiling because there’s an edge to her voice, a sweetness that you haven’t heard before. 

“Just like that?” You ask, raising an eyebrow with a smirk.

“Told you - you still haven’t seen me fight.” 

You’re dying to tell her you have and that you know what a skillful warrior she is at heart, but you have this sudden urge to push her, to tease and poke at her confidence so you pull your cockiest grin and bump her shoulder with your own. 

“Seems to me you only fight when I’m not around. Might have to do with me always saving you.” Your grin widens when Alicia’s brows pull into a frown. “Is it just me or do you like having me around to save you, doll?” 

She rolls her eyes at you but her smile never leaves her lips. “One of these days I’m gonna save your life and you’re gonna eat your words.” 

“Oh so, you’re planning on having me around for a while?” You lean into her but almost stumble when she sidesteps around you and hurries towards the cottage.

She turns around to glance over her shoulder when she’s a little further away and shouts at you. “You wish!” Maybe there’s a hint of a smile on her lips, but you can’t tell with the sun shining right into your eyes but you’re certain of one thing though - you do wish for that.

You really, _ really _ do.

Madison and Travis are sitting in the backseat by the time you reach the front of the cottage and Nick’s already taken the driver’s seat with Jack riding shotgun. It’s a funny sight ‘cause Jack actually looks like Nick’s uncle or something and it makes you grin when you head over to your bike. 

Alicia’s right beside it, shouting something to Nick, telling him how to drive while he flips her off and as you move to sit down, she swings a leg over, straddling the bike and pulling herself closer to you. There’s a dose of familiarity there, something between the two of you that you’re sure wasn’t there just a day ago, and it feels nice. Better than how things were.

“Ready doll?” You ask, glancing a little over your shoulder with a smirk, all ready for the roll of her eyes that you’re surely going to get. But to your surprise, she only slips her hands to your waist and straightens up with a raised eyebrow and a small smile.

“Ready.” 

It’s not until a couple of hours later that you realize her hands have, at some point, slipped inside the pockets of your leather jacket and they’re resting so close to your skin, with only a couple of layers between you and her warm touch. It sends a shiver through you and you curse, internally, when you hear her clear her throat and she puts a little distance between the two of you. Or well, as much as she can. 

You’ve decided on avoiding big roads this morning when you were all at the table - the whole scene looked utterly hilarious, by your standards, because you’ve been without a family so long that suddenly being part of one feels too strange. Driving around major cities and through smaller roads seemed like a better idea and you’re inclined to think it was one of Jack’s best. 

The view isn’t half as bad either and if you try hard enough, you might just be able to forget everything that’s happening around you and pretend that this is nothing but a road trip with the girl you love. And who doesn’t remember loving you back.

Before you manage to either frown or groan at the fact, they’re pulling on the side of the road and you follow, stopping the bike behind the car and turning it off. 

“Why are we stopping?” Alicia asks, already walking over to them.

“We’ve been driving for half a day, Nick needs a break and my neck is sore.” Travis grumbles as Madison tosses him a water bottle before handing one to Alicia. “We should eat, rest for half hour and continue.” 

“And where exactly are we going anyway?” Nick quipps in, leaning against the hood of the car. 

“I say we go north.” Jack says, and it’s the first time you actually hear him taking any sort of initiative. “Last reports I heard, a few weeks ago, said the whole flu, like they called it, was spreading south and we should head the opposite direction.” 

“I think so too.” Travis nods. “It’s the smart thing to do and we’ve more chance to survive.” 

His last word has you gripping the bottle of water you have in your own hands. You’ve somehow grown to not only despise but utterly hate that word because it represents everything you’ve been fighting against throughout your life as Clarke Griffin, everything that cost you happiness with Lexa. 

“Just because the thing is spreading south doesn’t mean there’s no trouble north,” You mumble and take a sip of the water, looking away from the group. “But either way, we should pick up speed and find a place to sleep before night falls.”

“Elyza is right.” Madison says and you barely manage to stop yourself from gawking at her. You’re mildly shocked that she, of all people, agree with you, but what the heck, right? Better late than never.

“Yeah,” Travis mumbles along. “Let’s just find a place to sleep for tonight and then we can worry about the rest.”

“How very encouraging.” Nick mumbles and moves to sit back in the car. 

Alicia’s been oddly silent and she moves away from the group as soon as she finishes her sandwich and hands the half empty water bottle back to Madison. You head after her and, as if in sync, the two of you sit down on the bike, you start it and her hands are already around you. 

It’s impossible to miss Madison’s glare and the way Nick’s half-grinning at Alicia, but none of them really matter to you. For now, you’re focused on getting as far away from LA as possible and getting Alicia somewhere where you can both relax and not think about getting bitten or eaten. 

You figure it’s going to be a couple more hours before you find a house or something to stay in so you brace yourself, take a deep breath and let the wind pick up against your face as you begin driving. 

Might as well enjoy the ride. 


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we all need a snuggling scene.

By the time the sun sets, you’ve managed to find a place to stay. It’s a lot better than you expected, a nice, cozy beach house that doesn’t seem to have been affected by everything going on around. Probably because it’s a slightly remote house that seems to be hidden away from civilization on purpose. Something you’d enjoy even without the whole walker crap.

_ This is crap,  _ you remember Alicia saying when she got off the bike and took a long look at the place. Come to think of it, she is right.

An old, worn out wooden house, no matter how close to the beach, probably doesn’t look as great in the summer either. But you haven’t seen a walker anywhere near and it’s safer than most places you can imagine. It’s good for a night or two. 

You’ve all settled in much the same way as in the cottage you stayed at last time and you’re already nervous about spending the night alone with Alicia. You know it’s just going to be the same as last time, but being around her makes you nervous in all sorts of ways, but mostly because the way you catch her stealing glances at you makes your heart jump to your throat. It’s dangerous, you know, because you’ll get swept up again, caught up in her and all that is her and the fact that you wouldn’t mind that at all is frightening, to say the least.

But it’s also liberating. More than you could imagine.

You’ve never had the chance to feel free. Truly,  _ really _ free. Not even Wanheda was free. Clarke Griffin even less. 

But Alicia… Alicia makes you feel free. 

She’s decided you two will take a room on the south side of the house, across the hall from Jack and Nick. You’ve all agreed that you’ll sleep because no walker could be silent enough to enter the house without waking any of you. And no walker is smart enough, either. They may be fast and vicious, but that’s about it.

Jack’s already gone to sleep and Nick’s talking to Alicia about something while you walk around the downstairs of the house, checking the windows and making sure that whoever might want to actually break in, that they have a really tough time trying. When you finish you head to the stairs, nodding to Travis and Madison, as you hurry your way up. 

You’d hoped there’d be a chair of sorts in the room for you to sleep in because no matter how close you’ve gotten to Alicia, you don’t want to do anything to lose her trust. And you’re not really sure how much of her proximity you can take. But sadly, there’s only the bed and a few closets so you sit down on it, reluctantly, before setting up a pillow a bit higher against the headboard. You move over and settle down, somewhere between sitting down and lying, but it works and even if you might be a bit sore in the morning, at least you’ll be able to rest your whole body and still be ready if any trouble should arise.

Alicia comes walking in a couple of minutes later, catching you mid stretch with our arms thrown above your head and this time you can’t hide the smirk that plays on your lips when her cheeks redden slightly and she looks away with a clearing of her throat. 

“No chair tonight?” She mumbles and moves around the bed, sitting down on the other side. 

“Nope, you’ll just have to snuggle with me.” You rasp out, each word coming out through a cheeky grin despite the weight pressing down on your chest at the truth in them.

She doesn’t even dignify them with a look, she only huffs and unties her shoes, slips under the covers and blows out the candle lighting up the room on the bedside table.

“Goodnight Elyza.” She says, though even through the soft murmur of her voice, you’re sure you can hear the smile in her words. 

“Night doll.” You say, smiling to yourself. 

You don’t remember falling asleep but when you stir awake, you realize something’s awfully different than to how you’d fallen asleep. After blinking a couple of times and taking a few long, deep breaths, you push yourself up only to be stopped almost instantly before you’ve even managed to sit up. 

There’s a light weight on your waist, something that wasn’t there when you’d laid down, and when your eyes settle on the arm thrown haphazardly around you, your heart feels like it’ll burst. Or implode. Or fly right through your ribcage and into the freedom of the unnaturally warm, sunny morning. 

Alicia’s obviously turned around in her sleep at some point in the night and scooted closer, she’s pressed tight to your side and with her arms around you, she’s come to snuggle you, just as you teased her. 

Your heart threatens to wake her up with the rumble it’s causing but before you can actually enjoy the moment a little longer, she stirs when you lay back down. Her eyes flicker to yours when she tilts her head up, glancing at you. 

“I didn’t think you’d take me up on that offer.” You murmur in your raspy, morning voice and smile at her, making sure to commit to memory just how green her eyes are this early in the day. 

“Wha?” She mumbles and the waves of warmth her voice sends washing over you are almost too much.

“You, me. Snuggling.” You say, this time unable to hold back the grin that’s been begging to spread over your features. You’d cherish the moment a little longer but you know that for now, this’ll have to be enough. Maybe you’ll have more time when all this is over and if…  _ when _ she remembers.

You think your words finally register as the sleepy haze leaves her eyes and it’s immediately replaced by shock, first, then panic. 

“Shit, sorry, fuck,” She mutters and scrambles away from you, nearly tumbling off the bed as she clumsily sits up, muttering a few more ‘fucks’ and ‘sorry’. 

“It’s fine doll. I don’t mind.” You say and she turns around, cheeks red and lip pressed together in a pout. 

“You’re a dick.” She grumbles with her telltale snark and before you know it, you’re laughing with a loud, carefree laugh and after a few moments of glaring, she lets out a chuckle, pulls her shoes on and heads for the door. “Come on, we should eat something.” 

You hum your approval and follow her downstairs, trying, but mostly failing, to ignore the way your heart is still trying to hammer its way out of your chest because you still feel her touch, her arm around your waist. 

It’s stupid, you know, but it’s wonderful nonetheless.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay but really, next chapter will bring plot, actual plot, and we'll move on. in a very different direction. also, i'd like to elaborate a bit on the really short chapters. my fanfics generally have chapters about 3k words long but i find this one much easier to write this way, considering the very small amounts of time i have on my hands lately. hopefully the next clexa fic i have in mind won't suffer so much from my work/uni schedule .-.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> well here goes nothing

It’s sometime around midday that Jack announces he’ll be leaving tomorrow morning.

He doesn’t make a big deal out of it and neither do you. He was a good companion, even if you did not agree with everything he did, but that’s as far as your compassion or feelings for him go. Travis and Madison are visibly relieved, to some extent, even if they do try their best not to show it.

Nick seems to be disgruntled over it but they spend the day talking and wander around, but you don’t pay them much attention. How could you when Alicia seems to be around you more often than not and if you’d let your heart leap at it once more, you might let yourself believe it’s because of more than just hanging around together ‘cause there’s no one else to hang around with.

You’ve all spent the better part of the day outside because it’s been a warm, oddly sunny day despite the fact that winter grows nearer. The woods behind the house are not as silent as the forest around the cottage you’d stayed at, and it’s soothing to know that life hasn’t completely stopped in all this mess. 

By the time night finally sets in, you’ve made your way inside and Alicia’s already there, talking to Madison about something. You can almost cut the tension in the air, and the way Madison keeps glancing at you whenever Alicia murmurs something to her makes you feel awfully uncomfortable and it’s really hard to make you feel that way. 

It’s unsettling, you think, how you’ve come to wonder what Alicia’s feeling, how every time she’s near, you let yourself forget about everything you’ve been through to get here and you just let her presence wash over you like the waves of the ocean outside, washing over the moonlit shore. 

For the briefest of moments Lexa’s words echo in your mind again.

_ Love is weakness. _

And it is, really. Because you’ve never been weaker in your life. You’ve never felt more vulnerable, never been an easier prey. 

But when it comes to her, to Alicia, that weakness is what makes you strong, you think. No, you know it in your soul. You know because you’ve been through hell and back, you bled and cried and mended your heart one too many times already but ultimately,  _ love  _ is what made you stronger, what made you  _ you _ . 

_ That’s why I- That’s why you’re you. _

You have to blink back the tears that sting, that beg to fall and tear down the mask that you’ve managed to hold this whole time. Before you know it you’re up on your feet and walking out of the room, up to the bedroom because you can’t let them, let  _ her _ see you. 

Even after all those years, the memory’s still just as fresh and… and the words you never go to hear hurt more than anything anyone’s ever said to you. 

If anything’s ever made you weak, it was her. 

How gloriously weak you were indeed.

You spend some time alone, unsure how long it’s been, until Alicia’s walking in, slowly, glancing around the room until she spots you beside the window. She leans against the door, hands behind her back, and takes a long, deep breathing, drawing your attention away from the dark of the night outside.

“You ok?” She murmurs.

“Peachy.” You say with a small smile, not really bothering to put back the mask that you’ve had on all this time. If there’s anyone that won’t mind you being you, it’s certainly Alicia. 

“You wanna talk about it or you wanna sulk over there like a kid who’s got his lollipop stolen?” She raises an eyebrow at you and the challenge in her stare is almost frightening.

It would be, if it weren’t so adorable.

“Don’t worry about me, princess.” You say and walk over to the bed, sitting down on one side and laying back to lean against the headboard after you fix up the pillow. “Let’s just go to sleep, yea?” 

“Wow, seriously.” She grumbles and crosses her arms over her chest, “Do I really need to force it out of you?” 

“Look, there’s nothing to force out of me. It’s been a long day, I’m nackered and we should sleep.” You manage to surprise even yourself with the way you say it but she shrugs at you and slips under the covers on the other side, blowing out the candles and turning away from you. 

“Night.” She mumbles, barely audible.

“Night princess.” You say and tip your head back, sighing to yourself. You could have handled that better.

Despite the turmoil inside you, you somehow manage to fall asleep and you don’t even hear her leave the bed in the morning until the door closes as she leaves the room. You follow suit, adjusting your weapons when you make your way downstairs.

Jack’s already packed what he plans to take with him and he’s just said his goodbyes with Travis and Madison when you walk over. Nick gives him a short hug and a pat on the back and Alicia only nods in his direction before walking over to Madison. 

“So this is it,” Jack mumbles as you approach him, “You sure you don’t wanna come with me?” 

“Pretty sure.” You say with a soft smile. You take the backpack he’s packed and walk out with him with Nick following behind you. “I hope you know where you’re going.” 

“No idea.” He says and grins, “But where’s the fun in knowing, right?” 

“Indeed.” You say and help him put on the backpack.

He turns around to look at you and you see the way his eyes flicker down to your lips but you don’t give him the opportunity to do anything about it, you simply glance away and reach for his hand, drag him into your embrace and give him a long, warm hug. 

You both linger for a little longer than you’d planned but you don’t really mind. It’s been ages since you’ve had anyone this close in your space, besides the unintentional snuggling session with Alicia. And it really feels nice to feel someone’s warmth.

But then you’re pulling back and he’s clearing his throat and it’s awkward, especially when Nick rolls his eyes and shoves past you to fist bump Jack. 

“Take care mate.” He says and Jack nods to both of you before he’s walking down the beach and minutes later, he’s out of your sight and, with a small little jab in your chest you realize, he’s out of your life. 

You didn’t notice that everyone’s come out at some point and Travis is glancing around the beach, searching for something, while Madison and Alicia talk, but you don’t pay much attention to what they’re saying. You shrug past all of them and head inside, sit down on the chair beside the counter and wait for them to come back inside.

You all grab a bite to eat and it’s a little later that you’re all sort of trudging around the place, aimlessly, that you start feeling a little restless.

“So, what now?” You ask when Travis walks over.

“We stay here for as long as we can and try to survive.”

“Survive? On what? Salt water? Fish that we can’t catch?” You ask. Madison’s walked back inside and she’s already by his side, scowling at you. 

“I don’t know exactly but we need to survive through this. It’s the only way.”

“We need to move.”

“ _ We _ need to survive. If  _ you _ want to move, you’re free to do that but I don’t know how long you’ll survive if you’re constantly running away.” Madison all but growls at you and it’s hard to miss the double meaning of her words. She,  _ they _ want you gone and it’s all too plain to see.

By now you’re pretty sure if you hear the word  _ survive _ one more time, you’ll smack someone. Real hard, real fast.

“Life is not about surviving,” You mutter quietly, mostly to yourself.

“Then what is this all about?” Madison asks, all those pent up, growing fears and feelings bubbling over, “Because this is not life. This is… This… What are we supposed to do? Fight these things head on? Run till we have nowhere to run to? No.” She says, her voice growing louder with each word. “We need to survive. This is the worst part and if we survive this, someone will come and rescue us. We stay put and try our best.” 

“You do realize that staying put is not doing your best right? You’ll just die. They’ll find you, eventually, but not in the way you hope to be found.” Nick quips in before you can react and from the corner of your eye, you notice how fidgety Alicia’s gotten on the couch. She’s aching to say something but she’s been holding back and you’ll be damned if you don’t find out what’s on her mind. But then Madison shouts at Nick - or at you, you’re not really sure - and it’s that one drop that’s too much. 

“We are  _ not _ going anywhere, do you understand me?! Tell him Travis! Tell him that we need to stay here, stay until we find a better solution because this is our best shot at surviving!” 

And then you can’t take it anymore and your voice flies louder than you’d let it until now. 

“Life should be about more than just surviving!” You all but shout as you stand from the chair and it tips over, tumbling down from the force of you pushing yourself off it. 

And then it’s all coming back so fast, too fast, all the memories, the images, the voice… her voice, her face, her eyes… her… And she’s right there, standing by the couch, staring at you with… with fear in her eyes, fear and something much deeper but you can’t think about it now, you’ve had enough of surviving and before anyone can say anything else you’ve made your way towards the door and you leave them, leave  _ her _ standing there, staring.

You need to be away, you need your space, your solitude, you need your pain to be your own and by the time you realize just how much you’re hurting, you’ve already ran far enough that you can finally stop. When you do, your legs give out and you’re on your knees with your face in your hands, and you feel it. 

You feel the weight of your love for her, the weight of carrying two lives on your shoulders, the weight of loving her over and over again, the weight of every single time the universe has let you down. 

But in that sea of emotions, in all the pain, you feel something warm and firm, yet so,  _ so _ gentle press against your shoulder until that very warmth surrounds you and you find yourself being pulled back into a tame, quiet embrace. There’s arms, loving and strong and safe arms wrapped around you, holding you, pressing against you, drawing you in and it’s not until you hear the voice that you realize what is going on.

“Ai laik hir, Klark, ai laik hir..” 

And you swear, in that moment, the world falls into place. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ai laik hir Klark = I am here, Clarke.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> reunion anyone?

You can’t move. You’ve tried, you really have, but your arms feel like they’re chained to your sides and your legs are frozen by whatever invisible force is making it hard for you to move. And to breathe. Because it feels like drowning, a little. Your heart’s beating faster, louder than it ever has and you’ve no force to tell yourself it’s just a dream, just a fantasy. You can’t just turn around because you’ve no strength. No, you can’t because you dare not imagine the devastation you’ll feel when you realize you’ve reached that breaking point where your mind will slowly go into madness, such an abyss where her touch will feel so real and her voice will be all too close, but it won’t be real. You’re afraid to open your eyes because you know you’ll be alone out on the beach, with tears spilling down your cheeks and your heart slowing, dying once again.

“Klark.” You hear her voice again and start to shake your head as laughter falls over your lips. 

You’re trying real hard not to give yourself hope but that voice,  _ that voice _ that could move thousands of warriors, the voice that moved you from the darkest of your places, that voice that made all this worth it… It’s right there. And in this moment, no matter how strongly you feel that it’s nothing but a fantasy, a trick of your weary, tired mind, you feel better than you have in months. 

“Ai Klark.” 

You hear her again, this time a lot softer than the last few. You’re about to shake your head once more but then you hear her voice once again, lowering your head to let you mind take over. Even if it’s fantasy, it’s beautiful. Might as well enjoy it, right?

“I remember.” She says and the arms around your began to loosen, the embrace that you’ve found yourself in falling away slowly. “I remember everything. Yu, ai kru-” She clears her throat and you shudder, “Oso kru. Eting. Ai mema in you, Klark kom Skaikru.” 

The arms that have pulled away from you return to your shoulders with a light shake and you’ve already decided, during the past couple of moments, during those words that seem all too real, that you’ll turn around, so when those arm direct you, push and pull you so you can shuffle around, you let them.

You have a hard time, it takes you awhile considering how shaky your knees are, but you manage to slowly turn around, your hands rubbing away the tears off your cheeks, even though they keep coming. You don’t even manage to lift your head up when warmth slides over your own hand and drags it away and you feel nimble, familiar fingers entwine themselves with your own. Another hand finds its place upon your cheek so softly and you don’t fight the need to lean into the touch, you let it happen, and then you’re opening your tired eyes, and there’s nothing but green, forest green staring right back at you from so close that you can almost drown in it. 

You stare, for a while, trying to discourage your mind telling you it’s not real, and trying to make sense of the fact that it might just be real. It’s so much at once and it hurts but at the same time, you haven’t felt happier in a while. But then the hand on your cheek moves a little and a thumb finds its way down the slope of your nose to your lips and when you feel it pass over the upper one and then move a little lower, parting your lips and trailing over the bottom one, you shake. You tremble, shiver and shudder all at once and a choked out sob leaves your throat and it’s too much. 

Before you know it, you’re falling into her, slumping against her form and when you finally feel her warmth properly, when her arms are wound through your hair and around your shoulders, when her lips rest atop of your forehead, you know it’s real. You know it because you’d know that heartbeat anywhere, you’d recognize that soft murmur wherever you might be lost. 

It’s her. She’s real. She’s back.

You want to pull back, take a look at her face, maybe drown a little in the green of her eyes, maybe press your lips to hers and erase the memory of them being nothing but cold and stiff, but you don’t want to leave her embrace, the warmth and safety of her arms. You never want to leave it, leave  _ her _ , again. 

But she’s pulling back, just barely, and no amount of you clinging to her will help you because you know her strength and you know all she has to do is say a word and you’ll melt against her, you’ll let her presence take over and it’ll be everything you’ve wanted for the longest time. 

“Clarke,” She murmurs into your hair and that’s enough to have you look up and for her eyes to cage you once again. And you’ve never relished in being imprisoned more than you are now. “Clarke.” She says again, this time a little louder, with more force, even though her voice wavers. 

You’re trying to open your mouth, to let her name fall over your lips and it should be easy, you know, but you just can’t. Instead, you tilt your head up and feel the tip of her nose brush against yours, you feel her circle around it, slowly from one side to the other, until she settles down and her lips are finally pressed tightly to yours, and everything you’ve been through, all the joy and the pain, the heartache and the darkness that you came from, the light of seeing her again - it was all worth it. 

You feel wetness fall down on your lips and for a moment you stiffen and gasp when you realize it’s a tear that’s found its way down her cheek, but then you kiss her again, harder this time, and your hands grasp at the fabric of her shirt tightly, you pull her in and kiss her over, and over,  _ and over again _ until your lungs are burning and you’re both fighting for air. 

Her hands have found their way up your arms and they’re resting on your shoulders but soon they slide into your hair and you feel her fingers tangling, weaving through your blonde locks, and in each kiss she gives you, in each swipe of her tongue against yours, you feel her need and it’s grave, it’s big and powerful and you’re sure it’s just as strong as your own. 

Kissing her… it means you feel alive again. And it feels right. It feels good. It’s wonderful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, now that we've got that over with, time for smut, yeah?


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so there's no smut here but i mean rlly did you think they'd do the do in the middle of a beach? eww sand.

You never thought someone’s lips could feel so good. And yet, you find yourself kissing her over and over, afraid that if you let go, you’ll lose her again. 

It feels like the first time. Only now you know, you’ll make sure of it - it’s the first of many more.

Everything around you seems to have blurred out and the only one left is Alicia, with her hands tangled in your hair and her breaths short, anxious against your lips. You think you’ve been kissing her for hours but when you finally manage to pull back, just barely so you can take in your surroundings, you realize it had to have been only a couple of minutes since she followed you here. 

“Lexa…” You start but then her lips curl at the mention of her old name and it takes your breath away - it still does. She is a force, you know that, but her smile has always managed to render you speechless, faster and far more efficiently than anything else. 

“Clarke,” She murmurs, hovering just inches away from your lips. Her own lips spread in a smile even wider and when you pull back fully, letting your hands rest at her waist, you realize she’s grinning at you with that tell-tale grin you’ve seen on Alicia’s face a couple of times. For a moment you’re lost in time, trying to remember where exactly you are, but you recover, quickly, and one thing is obvious, and so,  _ so  _ important.

It doesn’t matter when, or where you are. As long as she’s here, you’ll have a reason to smile. 

“What are you so cheeky about?” You ask, tracing little patterns over her shirt with one hand while the other rests on her hip. 

“Just remembering your words,” She says and tilts her head slightly, “And how well they fit right at this moment.” When your eyes meet hers you know that, even though everyone else might know her as Alicia, her eyes will always give you a glimpse into Lexa’s soul. To you, she’ll always be the woman you’d fallen in love with.

“My words?” You murmur and try to lean back a little, to put some distance between the two of you so you can take a proper look at her but even if her hands have fallen to your shoulders, her grip is still strong. Still tight. Still so warm and good.

“Do you remember…” She trails off for a moment, tilting her head to the side, “Remember when I fought Roan?” Her lips twitch a little at her words, but she smiles nevertheless, rubbing a thumb over the soft skin of your neck.

You lift a hand to your chin, pretending to rub it, just to see how long you can tease her. You know exactly what fight she means, of course. You know because you still remember it like it was yesterday. How wouldn’t you. She made your heart stop more than once in that fight, and you’d never feared for anything more than you’d feared for her life. At the time, you did not understand just why you care so much but when you came to say goodbye, and you kissed her, and felt her move back against your… You understood. 

“Well?” She asks again, eyebrow raised at you.

“Of course I do.” You say and your fingers involuntarily grip her shirt when you speak again, “I thought I’d… I almost lost you that day.” 

“But you didn’t.” She murmurs and sigh with a smile. “You asked me if I’d come to tell you ‘I told you so’ when I came by your room later that night.” 

“I did, yes.” You still remember the way she looked at you from outside your room, the way she walked in carefully, hesitantly, as if she was trying to ask if it’s okay each step of her way. The way she’s never looked more fragile, more vulnerable, than that night. 

“Well,” She starts and lifts a hand from your shoulder, cupping your cheek gently and you’re pretty sure this is the gentlest you’ve ever been touched before. “ _ This _ is I told you so.” 

You’re so caught up in her touch, so lost in the cautiousness with which her fingers brush over your skin, that you almost miss her words. But when they do register, you stare at her, a little confused, trying to figure them, figure  _ her _ , out. 

“Howcome?” 

Her fingers slide a little lower, settling at your jaw, while she runs her thumb over your lip, her eyes all the while set on yours. 

“Didn’t I tell you that  _ death _ is not the end?” 

The words leave her lips and your heart clenches at the depth of them. They weave through your insides and hit the deepest, most hidden places, the dark spaces that you’ve closed yourself off to, the voids that you’ve promised yourself you’d never enter again. 

The empty space where there’s no her, and there’s no together.

You’re already leaning into her touch even more but then she tilts her head and brings her lips to yours, captures them in a kiss so soft that makes you tremble and the hairs at the back of your neck stand on end. Before you know it, you’ve melted into her touch and the strength, the fever of her kisses is so strong that you find yourself toppling over, with her following right after, and when her body presses close against yours, when you can actually feel her warmth, the way her hips push into you and her hand slips down your side - it takes your breath away all over again.

You find yourself gasping for air mid kiss, but a moment later she swallows your gasp and then your heart flutters when you feel the soft, almost velvety swipe of her tongue over your lip. But even in the midst of your deepest passion, even when you’ve almost completely lost sight of everything else around you and there’s nothing in the world but her warmth and her lips and her touch, you still realize just how gentle, how cautious she’s being with you.

It’s not until her lips leave yours to make a slow, wet descend down to your throat, that you notice her hand’s already found its way under the hem of your shirt and her fingers are teasing at your skin, tracing small, uneven patterns, and sending goosebumps all through your being. 

You don’t ever want to stop, you’d stay in this moment for as long as you possibly can, but when you blink a couple of times mid gasps, as her lips move lower still, it dawns on you that you’re in the middle of a beach, the night’s nearly come and as much as you’d like to ravage her right here and now, you know someone will come looking for her. 

Not you, of course, they don’t care about you, but she is still Alicia and they will be here, sooner or later.

So you slip a hand down to hers and grip her wrist, slowly and gently, and her movements stop almost instantly, before you can even say anything. She pulls back, leaning over you, her eyes set on yours, lips parted and chest rising with deep, long breaths.

“I… I got caught u-”

“It’s okay. I want thit, I do.” You smile and it warms your heart in a all the ways possible how her expression changes from frightened to overjoyed in a millisecond. “Not here though. I’ve been through hell and back to find you again, I won’t lose you to a walker now.”

She contemplates, for a moment, but then she grins and swiftly moves over, reaching for your hand and pulling you up. When you manage to sit up, her hand slides to you cheek and she leans in, kisses you again, so softly that you’re never even sure her lips press into yours, and she’s got a smile that you’ve seen once, maybe twice, and it’s the most wonderful thing you could ever think of.

“You’re right.” She says, her voice quieter than before. “We should head back, they might come looking for us.” 

“For you. I know they’re not really fond of me all that much.” 

“I am.” She mumbles sternly, staring into your eyes. “Come on, let’s go.” 

She’s already up on her feet before you can react and she’s offering her hand for you to grab. And you do, and it’s the most natural thing in the world, to have your hand in yours, to feel skin against yours. You’re both quick to make your way back to the house, taking longer, faster steps, but the whole way there, you’re not really aware of anything else besides the fact that she’s here. 

She’s finally here. Back, alive. 

Yours. 

And you’d actually laugh at how funny it is that your fingers fit so well between hers if you didn’t know it in your heart that it's meant to be. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no but really, there's smut coming. i just need time. pls someone make the day last more than 24hrs.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> whoa life got busy and i haven't had time but here, finally an official intro to smut. yes there'll be smut, i mean really, just read the chapter :D

When you both reach the house, you know something’s not right. There’s a feeling in the air, an oddity that makes your skin crawl, even though you can’t even begin to explain what it might be. But then Alicia’s about to walk inside and Travis rushes out, stumbling into her. Your first instinct is to pull her away and kick him to the ground but her hand is on your wrist before you even notice and she looks at you over her shoulder with that look, the one that always seemed to both annoy you and send waves of pleasure through you. 

The calm-down-I-got-this look.

“Alicia where the hell have you been?” He growls at her and her hand tightens around your wrist, “Nevermind, you’ll explain yourself later, right now we need to go.” He all but orders and you both stare at him, waiting for some sort of elaboration. “Come on, grab your stuff and lets go!” He raises his voice just barely while trying to stare her down and by the way her grip tightens, you know she’s not trying to calm you down anymore - she’s trying to prevent herself from doing exactly what you want to do. 

The revelation makes you almost snort because - she’s still so proud and commanding, it’s actually funny to see it in this young, messy teenage girl. But what makes it funnier is the fact that deep down, it fits her, and you’re more than aware of the reason behind that.

“Go where?” She asks, her voice barely above a whisper but colder than you’ve heard it in a while. 

“Anywhere from here and we need to hurry.” He continues, even though he’s calmed down a little bit, presumably to the fact that she’d managed to probably spook him just by glaring at him so strongly. 

“Why?” She utters the word with her eyes still set on his but her grip loosens a little and her fingers slip away from you. You almost whine at the loss of contact.

Then you kind of want to slap yourself ‘cause really - you need to chill.  

You miss the badass you’ve been since you’ve woken up as Elyza. But Alicia… Lexa, Alicia - _ she _ manages to burrow herself somewhere inside your ribcage, right next to your heart, and all you want to do around her is hold her, kiss her, touch her in ways you remember will make her shudder and gasp, melt and unravel fully in your arms. You want to share your hopes and dreams, even if you don’t have any, at least not since your only dream happened the moment her eyes turned to yours knowingly, when she said your name in a way only she ever really could. But still, you want to maybe make new dreams with her, you want to drag her out of this shithole, pin her against a wall and have her shouting your name until her voice cracks and her lungs hurt from lack of air. You want to lose yourself in her touch, her scent, her gasps and moans and shouts, you want to lose yourself in her. You want to-

“Elyza?” 

Alicia’s voice breaks you away from your thoughts and you find yourself staring into those large, warm green eyes and absolutely stunned because you’ve no idea what they’ve said for the past minute or so. You were too busy thinking of ways in which you’d love to make her squirm under your touch and being around her is obviously proving to be far more distracting than you’d anticipated.

“Sorry, what?” You mumble and Travis gives you a confused look which you immediately ignore but then Alicia raises an eyebrow with the slightest trace of a smirk playing on her lips and you have to swallow because your throat is suddenly far too dry.

“Nick saw a walker not far from here, we need to move, come on.” She says, although her smirk remains present, if only in the slightest way possible. You doubt Travis even bothers noticing it, the way he dismisses her as if her words, or her thoughts, mean nothing. 

They mean everything.

“Yeah, ok.” You say, hastily bumping her shoulder as she pushes past Travis and rushes inside. 

Madison and Nick are packing supplies and Madison opens her mouth to probably either yell at the both of you or something even sillier but Alicia dismisses her with a wave of her hand as she walks over to Nick and helps him out with throwing stuff in a large bag.

“Where’d you see it?” She asks as you move about, throwing a few supplies in your leather backpack and making sure your weapons are as you’ve left them. 

“In the woods on the south side, pretty far away from the house but if there’s one, there’s more coming.” He says and throws a bottle of water you way.

You catch it and flash him a grin, one matching his own. “Where are we gonna go?” You ask, staring at Alicia.

“We?” Madison quips in, the need to pack supplies already forgotten as she stares at you.

“Yes, we.” Alicia says in that familiar, commanding voice of hers. It sends your thoughts flying for a moment but her words snap you back to reality almost immediately. “Elyza is coming with us.” She runs past Nick and hurries to put her small radio inside her bag, handing him another piece in case - well you’re not exactly sure why because you haven’t discussed any situation where you might separate from them. 

“We don’t have time to discuss this now,” Travis says from the door, carrying two bags outside, “Come on, grab your stuff and let’s go.” 

You’re all out the door within a few minutes, and Alicia doesn’t even spare them a glance as she makes her way to your motorcycle. She straps her own bag on the side, making sure it won’t fall off or hit the tire, and when you approach her she gives you a small, gentle smile before straddling the bike and waiting as you strap your own backpack safely and climb on it. 

When you start the bike her arms are around your waist in an instant, fingers twined tightly at your front, and she rests her head on your shoulder, tilting slightly to press a kiss to your hair as you set off. It warms your insides in ways you didn’t know possible but when she nuzzles into you and her lips ghost over your neck through your hair, it makes you shiver in all the right ways and you find yourself wanting to just drive away somewhere where you’ll be able to relive those wondrous moments that the two of you spent before she- 

“Don’t follow them,” You’re not sure you hear her right over the roar of the bike and the wind pushing into you so you tilt your head a little, exposing more of your ear to her. She leans in a little further over your shoulder and speaks louder this time. 

“Don’t follow them. Turn somewhere. Lose them.” Her grip around you tightens and you’re pretty sure you might be dreaming. You’re not though, and you need to make sure she knows what she wants. 

“Are you sure?” You speak loudly against the wind, hoping she hears.

You know she does when she’s leaning over and kissing your neck in a way that made you shudder a couple of times in the past. “We’ll find them later, just lose them, please.” 

The need in her voice, the eagerness and strength in her words make your insides feel as if you’re on fire, and you feel the coursing waves of pleasure already pool somewhere deep down in your belly, making you want to stop and take right then and there. But most of all you want a bed, a warm, soft bed where you’ll be able to feel every inch of her body under your touch, where you’ll be able to run your tongue over every crease and crevice of her skin, where your teeth will leave marks on her beautiful, unmarred skin with ease. 

So you wait a little longer, patiently calculating as you follow the road, hearing her hum here and there, when the wind isn’t so strong and the noise seems to dissipate, and then you see it. A small opening for you to pounce at, a narrow street just after a very obscure turn and when they disappear out of sight you take a sharp, mildly dangerous turn and then there’s no more car in front of you, there’s nothing there but a row of trees on each side of the road, which seem to grow thicker the further you drive. The road narrows a little and after a few more turns you reach a large, empty field which leads to a huge, tall house coupled by a few smaller ones on its sides. You drive up towards it and feel Alicia’s grip loosen when she pulls back and you glance over your shoulder to flash her a smile. 

When you stop the bike and park it, she hugs you tightly and presses a kiss to your cheek, nuzzling into you. 

“Thank you,” She murmurs, and you revel in the softness of her voice. Sometimes you forget that beneath all that armor she carries on her skin, she’s still the warmest person you’ve ever met. 

“Anytime.” You say and follow her off the bike, rolling your eyes when her radio starts blasting with Madison’s voice. Now you understand why she gave the other piece to Nick. 

“ _ Alicia! Alicia where are you?! Alicia?!”  _

She grabs the radio, smirks at you and shrugs her shoulders before bringing it to her lips. 

“Calm down mom, jeez. I’m fine, we’re okay, just carry on we’ll catch up.”

“ _ Are you insane?! Alicia what are you doin-”  _ You realize someone must have yanked the radio out of her hands and seconds later Travis’ voice comes blasting through. “ _ Alicia I swear to god when we find you you’re-” _

“Relax Travis,” She says, coldly. Her resentment towards him is something you’re very familiar with. “We’ll come find you when we want to. Alicia out.” 

You stare at her, still a little dazed at the turn of events but when Travis’ screams mute down completely as she shuts the radio off and sets it back in the bag, reaching for your hand and lacing her fingers with yours, it hits you just how much you need this too. How crazy you’ve been going, how much you crave her touch and her words and just - her. 

“Come on,” She says and throws her bag over her shoulder while you take your own and head towards the entrance of the large house, hoping you won’t actually be forced to break down the door. “I need you all to myself.” She murmurs and you grip her fingers in yours, pulling her close until she turns around and leans into you.

“Good.” You say, barely managing to suppress the whimper that’s begging to escape your lips when she presses her own to them. 

You don’t know how long you have until either they or walkers find you, but you’ll make sure to use it all to the best of your ability. After all, she’s back, she’s yours and she’s got a look in her eyes that tells you you’re not the only one going crazy with want. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so can we have smut now?


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> holy fuck this took a while to write. it's long, per requests, and emotional. so very emotional.

You know safety is your number one priority, no matter how distracting Alicia is. You can’t let her knowing, teasing glances deter you from your work, and if you’re going to spend even the smallest amount of time alone with her, you’re damn well going to make sure she’s safe and the space that you’re in is no threat to the safety of your stay there.

But she doesn’t make it easy, not at all.

It’s a side of her that you’ve never seen, a side you’ll need to get used to because she’s doing things to you with just a look and a smile here and there, and it’s something that you’d definitely like to see more often when all this is over. If it’s over.

You think back to the time you spent around Lexa and it’s clear that she’d always managed to catch,  _ and hold _ , your attention, but this is a whole other level of infatuation and you’re starting to feel like a lovestruck puppy. 

Which is not to say she doesn’t look like one as well. Because she does and you’ve caught her staring at you more than enough times to smirk when your eyes meet and she looks away as if she wasn’t just caught in act. 

“I’m gonna check the basement,” You murmur as she passes you by, her shoulder brushing torturously close to yours. “Don’t drag the closet by yourself, I’ll help you as soon as I’m done here.” 

She hums as a response and you’re sure you catch her staring at you again before you disappear down the stairs, holding a candle and slowly making your way inside the basement. It’s small, so that’s a plus, but it’s also so fucking dark that it gives you the chills just standing there. On another plus side, there’s just an old couch there, nothing else in the whole room and thankfully, no more windows to nail boards to. 

Barricading is annoying, you’ve concluded after you spent the past three hours nailing every single wooden plank or board you’d managed to find to all the first floor windows. And after you realized there were twelve of them, you wished you’d waited a bit longer to separate from the rest of the group because instead of spending time with Alicia, you got to spend time with nails, a hammer, and lots of large, tall windows. Oh the joy. 

You make your way back up and shut the door, pulling a nearby dresser over to place in front of it, just as a precautionary measure. You never know what might dig its way into the basement and you need her, need Alicia to be safe. You can’t bear the thought of losing her -  _ again -  _ and if being extra careful can push the thought away, you really don’t mind at all.

By the time you drag yourself back to what is supposed to be the living room of the house, Alicia’s put a few candles around and lit them up, giving you both enough light to be able to move around. With all the windows not really serving their purpose anymore, you can’t really blame her for placing over twenty candles just in this room. You’re not really sure where she got them and you vaguely remember how many candles Lexa always had lying around but when your eyes flicker to her face and the way the candle light reflects in the forest of her eyes, it makes the breath in your throat catch and all thoughts seem to abandon you.  

She’s so beautiful. She’s always been.

You manage to look away from her for the faintest of moments, glimpsing out through one of the holes in the windows you two have boarded up for your safety, and you realize the sun will set soon. You spent the day making sure nothing could possibly happen to her while you’re… distracted, and now that you’re actually done and sure that nothing  _ can _ happen to her, your heart seems to want to beat out of your chest. 

You haven’t been this nervous in a long time, not ever since you’d first seen Lexa after all that time wandering, becoming Wanheda. You still remember the anger you felt when her eyes met yours, the rage which consumed you for a long, too long time. But you also remember the way your stomach fluttered when she held your gaze back in your room, when you were so dead set on doing the one thing you always knew you couldn’t. 

Her life was always more precious to you, more than anything else. How could you have even considered taking it is still beyond you.

She’s always meant more than most, from the very first moment. 

It’s as if all the nervousness she’d always managed to awaken in you has stirred from its slumber and it’s back, in full force, making you feel like there’s a million butterflies flapping around in your stomach and you’re pretty sure your heart’s never clenched and drummed this hard. It’s enticing, the way she makes you feel. Enchanting and magical in ways you’ll never be able to explain and you’re pretty sure by now you’ve grown addicted to the feeling of wanting her, of needing to be close, to touch and feel, to make sure she’s alive and right there, with you, where she’s supposed to be. In a way, you think, finally feeling her, completely and fully, might just be an overdose. 

In a way, you know, she’s the only drug you’d willingly take for the rest of your life.

“Elyza?” You hear her ask and the closeness of her voice startles you. When you turn back around to face her, you realize she’s actually standing right next to you, her hand already outstretched and reaching for yours, fingers nearly brushing against your fingertips. 

“Hm?” You hum, words caught somewhere way down in your lungs as you stare in her eyes, all dark and hazy and so,  _ so  _ deep.

“I think we’re all done. Let’s go upstairs?” You know she’s not exactly asking as much as she’s stating, but the slight rise of her voice at the end of her sentence is more of a question of permission, acceptance that she still seems to be searching for, even after all this time. 

You decide, right then and there, that you’ll spend your life reassuring her that, whatever happens, you’ve forgiven her. That you accept her. That you  _ want _ her. 

Before you’ve even processed what she’s said and what it is that you should do, you’re already taking her hand in yours, with a small, fragile smile, and you hear her heave a long, deep sigh when you take a few steps towards the large staircase leading upstairs. 

“Let’s go to bed.” You murmur and glance over your shoulder, this time knowingly, willingly. The way her eyes seem to light up warms your whole being in ways unimaginable. 

When you reach the largest room on the top floor, you feel her tug at your arm as she stands there, not taking the last step to move inside but simply staring at you with a look that you’ve seen a thousand times by now - you would never be able to forget it. You won’t. 

It’s the look she gave you when her black blood had spread over your arms and tears streaked down your cheeks when you begged her to stay, with you, when she told you that you were right and life is about more than just surviving. The look that told you more about her love for you than words will ever be able to. 

“Come here,” She murmurs and you take a step back, facing her fully and taking her other hand in yours, rubbing your thumb over her knuckles. 

“What is it?” You ask, your voice barely above a whisper.

Her lips widen and curl, and she smiles at you, so freely and without any restraint and you wish you could frame that smile and carry it around with you wherever you go because you’re sure it would make everything and anything better. You almost chuckle at how sappy you actually are but then she opens her mouth to speak and her eyes are back on yours and it feels like all the air has been sucked out of your lungs because she’s so tender and so warm and there’s nowhere in the world you’d rather be. 

“Kiss me.” She murmurs, so quiet and unafraid. And you do. You kiss her with everything you’ve ever had in you, all the words left unsaid, all the feelings fate never let you show. You kiss her hard and urgent, worrying, fearing she might disappear, until her hands are on your cheeks, slipping into your hair and you feel her grip, so strong and safe around you and you know - you finally know - she’s here. She’s yours. She’s alive and nothing can take her away from you, not now, not ever. 

You don’t realize you’d pushed her against the wall until her arms are settled snuggly over your shoulders, and you feel her body arching into yours, hips bucking against you in slow, languid brushes. Your hands are on her waist, fingers pressing tightly into her and the soft fabric between her skin and yours is far too much, you need it gone right away. As you drag her in the room, pulling her by her shirt with your hands never once leaving her waist, she runs her fingers through your hair and tugs lightly, making you tilt your head while she peppers kisses down your jaw. You can feel her smiling after each kiss and if your heart hasn’t soared yet, it most certainly is now.

“I…” You know what you want to say has been at the tip of your tongue ever since you’d realized the extent of your feelings all those years ago when she shoved you that underneath all that armor she was forced to wear, all the walls she had built around her, that was just a girl, in a love with a girl, in love with you. You didn’t need her words, her reassurances - you knew, back then, as you know now. You missed your chance then but you’ll be damned if you miss it now. 

You try to speak again but in all your haze you’ve forgotten all about the room and where you’re headed so when the back of your legs hits the bed you stumble back, falling over and dragging her with you, with a small, hushed yelp. You both groan a little as you fall down on the soft mattress but moments later she’s pushing herself on her arms, staring at you and you both laugh out, so loud and free, and her laughter is a sound you’ll happily give your all for. But then her lips are on yours once again, her hair falling out of its messy bun, soft locks teasing at your cheeks, and you feel one of her hands snake down your arms and settle at your side, so featherlight, as if she still fears to touch you just the way she wants to.

You move your hand to grab hers and press it firmly against your skin as you slip it beneath your shirt, staring at her when she pulls back and looks at you. She understands, you know, then leans in again to recapture your lips with her own as you let both your hands wander up her arms and you settle them around her shoulders, nails scratching at the back of her head. You can’t help but smile into her mouth when you feel her groan out but the moment her tongue slides over yours it’s all it takes to have you whimpering against her. 

She pulls back once again, sitting up on her knees as she stares at you, hands resting on your sides. She slides them around you, pulls you up to face her with a smile and presses a soft kiss to your lips once more.

“I love you, Elyza.” She says, so softly, catching you off guard. You almost feel like her words are one with the air around you because they seem to float and flow through you. “I love you,” She pauses, and your breath is stolen yet again when she leans in close again, tip of her nose brushing against yours. “Clarke.” She murmurs and you remember the way you felt her tears sliding down her cheeks when you kissed her all that time ago, hours before you lost her. You remember because now you feel one, two,  _ so many  _ of your own tears sliding down your cheeks, until she cups them in her gentle, loving hands and brings her lips to yours again, whispering ‘I love you’ over and over before your lips meet and she kisses you, taking the last of your breath away. 

When you catch your breath, moments later, you finally find it in yourself to break the spell of her kisses and speak into her lips. 

“I love you.” You manage to say, between stolen breaths and soft kisses, sliding one hand over her front and resting it just below her breast. “I love you.” You say it again, firmer, surely this time. 

She leans back for a moment after that, then moves in so fast that you almost bump noses but when her lips capture yours and you feel the flick of her tongue against yours, it sends shivers down your spine at just how good it feels to finally kiss her the way you’d longed to for years. “I love you so much,” You whisper into her lips, smiling each time she gasps for some air while your hands slide back down to her sides and you leave them there, just barely, enough for her to know that you don’t plan on letting go any time soon. 

One of her hands is brushing your hair away, fingers sliding down your cheek and to your neck, and her lips are more demanding than you’d ever felt them. She kisses you as if she’s been thirsty all her life, and your lips are the well she’s stumbled upon in the desert she’s found herself in. Her hips push into yours as you arch up against her and it amazes you how you move as if you’d been molded together, two pieces of a perfect whole, becoming one after being apart for so long. 

You’re sure you are, just that. Two souls, born together but broken, torn and shattered into pieces and yet - you find one another, you always will. You rebuild one another, and all your broken pieces fit together perfectly. 

After all, you belong together. 

You know it’s rushed, the way she bites your lip and swirls her tongue with yours, or the way your hands slide to the swell of her backside and you grip tightly, squeezing until she moans out into your mouth, but you know it’s what you both want and everything else is insignificant. So you don’t even flinch when her lips leave yours and settle to mark a path down your neck as she bites and tugs at your skin, nipping her way to your shoulders and settling there for a moment longer before returning back the way she’d moved, only to kiss and lick at the bruised flesh. 

She makes quick work of your clothes, slipping her hands under the hem of your shirt and dragging it up and over your head. It ends up somewhere in the far corner of the room, along with your undershirt which follows almost immediately. You almost pout a moment later when you don’t even get a chance to undress her - she slips out of her own shirt momentarily and throws it in the same direction as both of yours, and she chuckles when she catches your frown and the way your bottom lip is jutted out just barely. 

You think she might say something but she simply nudges you back down on the bed and moves her hands down your skin, gently dragging her nails over it before her fingers hook under the waistband of your jeans. She snaps open the button, slides the zipper down and pulls the fabric off your legs, along with your already damp underwear, as you arch up to give her more access. You can feel the blush on your cheeks because, even if it’s just her, and you’re supposed to be the badass here, really, that’s just it -  _ it’s her _ . If anyone’s ever made your nervous, she has, and you won’t even pretend it’s not true. But as soon as she’s leaning over you, lips latched onto your neck and a gentle hand caressing your skin, all is forgotten.

Any speck of shame, flickers of doubt - all is gone when she takes off her own jeans and you finally feel her, skin on skin.

It feels like you’re on fire wherever her fingers touch.

She hesitates for the briefest of moments when her hand hovers above your breast but then you arch up into her and she slips it underneath your bra, pushing the offending fabric up as she grasps and squeezes. You almost whine when her hands slides underneath your back and it takes you a moment to realize she’s trying to unclasp the damned thing so you help her out, leaning on your side as she laughs out nervously before it finally snaps open and you drag it down your arms and fling it away. 

She leans back for a second, lips parted and eyes set on your chest, and you’re not really sure how you don’t just melt under her touch when she moves back down again and pulls one nipple between her lips, teasing the other with her fingers. The flicks of her tongue are electric and the soft, teasing grazes of her teeth make you shudder and groan as your hand slips into her hair and you urge her to do it again, over and over. 

But she’s merciless. Relentless and needy and so,  _ so _ eager.

You feel her lips lower with each kiss she leaves on your skin, a wet trail in their wake. She bites once, twice, and you feel her grin against your hip when you moan out and visibly shudder. She does it again, only this time she pushes your legs open and her teeth find the skin on the inside of your thigh and it takes all you have not to scream and come right then and there. 

“Please…” You beg, sure that you’ve never wanted anything more in your life. You look at her, dark green eyes staring right back at you, and when she does finally comply, that scream that’s been begging to be set free is finally torn from your lips. 

The drag of her tongue through your folds is nothing short of otherworldly. 

You feel her move your legs a little more until she’s got them draped over her shoulders but that’s as much coherent thought as you can handle because she never once stops the movements of her tongue, she only ever dips a little lower, teasing at the tight ring of muscle at your entrance before moving up and flicking her tongue over your swollen, aching bud, making you moan and shudder each time. When her lips encircle it you don’t even bother trying to stop the scream that escapes you. She moves back down, all languid brushes and skilled flicks and swirls and before you know it, you’re bucking into her, against her tongue, into her knowing thrusts.

You feel one of her hands leave your legs, while the other remains wrapped tightly around your other leg. When you feel her slip two fingers inside you so effortlesly, that pleasant stretch has you shuddering and hovering around the edge of your climax. Your hand is in her hair, fingers wrapped tightly around brown curls and you’re trying, you’re really trying to be more gentle, you know it must hurt each time you grip hard but you can’t really help it. Not when she’s being this good, this hungry for you. 

It takes a few more thrusts and curls of her fingers, few more perfect drags over that one spot and you think you’re seeing stars. But then your eyes lock on hers and you feel her take your clit in her mouth, her tongue swirl over it and that’s it - you’re falling over the edge, slipping into bliss, thrashing and moaning and your climax has never been this strong, this good. 

She hums and the vibrations only work to prolong it, so you buck even harder, feeling her smirk. She thrusts a couple more times and when you finally fall back down on the bed, chest rising high as you take long, deep breaths, and she moves a little to kiss her way up your skin, pressing soft, open-mouthed kisses all the way to your lips, but she leaves her hand where it is, her fingers still buried deep inside your. 

“You are so beautiful.” She finally speaks, in a voice barely above a whisper when your lips meet. 

You know you’ve taken her by surprise as she yelps when you flip her over and switch your positions, groaning out when her fingers shift inside you. 

“You are.” You murmur and lean down with a smirk, pleasantly sore, still coming down from your high but needing to feel her, to taste and take her in ways you’ve dreamed for years. 

She smiles into your kiss and finally drags her hand away, slowly at first, then she brings it to her lips, tongue swirling over the fingers still coated in your release and it’s all the encouragement you need, all the affirmation that she wants you, needs you just as much. 

You kiss your way down to her chest and grumble into her skin when your lips brush over her bra. She laughs out, a small, gentle laugh, and arches up, giving you space to take it off. You do, hastily, and throw it away with a smirk, though you can’t help but laugh out when she does too. 

But you’re too anxious, you need her too much, so you swirl your tongue over a taut nipple, drag it into your mouth and squeeze the other between your thumb and forefinger, relishing in the groan it earns you. You’re greedy, you know, but she feels so good and you were right, earlier. 

She is a drug. And you’re so very addicted.

“Clarke!” You grin when your small bite causes her to scream out your name, lips wrapping delicately around the ‘k’ the way they always did. 

You grin when you look up but the need, the unspoken plea in her eyes makes your insides twirl and you can already feel yourself getting wet again, you feel your own need coiling between your legs. But you don’t want that right now, you want her. Everything that is her. Her taste, her scent, the feel of her skin against yours, the sounds you remember she makes when you push inside her… You want that. You  _ need _ it. 

So you finally slide a little lower, nibbling your way down to her gorgeous, taut abdomen, tongue sliding around the groves of her wonderful muscles before you finally move lower still, where you can smell her arousal. You don’t know how you missed the fact that she’d slipped her own underwear off with her jeans, but your mouth waters at the scent, and before you know it, you’re indulging yourself, tongue dipping in the wetness between her legs as she parts them, giving you all the access you could possibly need. It’s so thick, a mix of sweet and salty, and you’re sure she tastes better than anything you’ve ever tasted. 

You drag your tongue through her folds, lap up as much wetness as you can because you could do it for the rest of your life and you’d never get tired. But you know she would, she already has because her hands are gripping the sheets and she’s already bucking into your tongue so it doesn’t even surprise you how loudly she moans out when you finally dip your tongue low enough to press against her entrance, teasing just barely. You move back up quickly and flick the straining bud of her clit lightly before you puff a bit of air over it, barely suppressing a grin when she arches her back higher than ever so far.

So you flick your tongue over it again, and again,  _ and again _ until she’s shuddering, calling out your name and bucking into you, fingers gripping and pulling your hair, occasionally guiding you. When you bring your fingers to her entrance and slowly push two inside, she moans out, “More,” and you comply, adding a third one when you finally start thrusting, curling them to hit that spot that you know will have her coming undone under your touch.

It doesn’t take long. 

She bucks into your hand a couple of thrusts later, screaming out your name and for a few moments she stills, completely, back arched up from the bed, and she only comes down from her climax when you begin slowing down your thrusts and your tongue leaves her clit.  You move to run it through her wetness, groaning at the taste while you slowly slide your fingers out, making sure to lick them clean. 

Her soft laughter manages to pull your attention from your hand as you look up at her from between her legs.

“What?” You ask her, lips curled in a wide, almost child-like smile.

“Nothing. I just…” She all but stutters and her eyes well up in an instant, so suddenly that it makes your heart ache. You’re moving to face her up close before you even know it. It’s an instinct, you’ll realize later - to kiss away her worries, her pain. 

And you do just that. You kiss her, hard and unrestrained, you kiss her until you need to pull away to breathe, until your lungs start burning and you feel wetness on your cheeks. She’s crying, and you are too, and somewhere along the way her arms have slipped around your shoulders and she’s closer than she’s ever been, and so fragile and small and warm and - and so alive in your embrace.

“What is it?” You murmur into her lips. 

“I’m scared.” She whispers, moving to look away. You don’t let her though, you kiss her again, catching her lip between yours. “I don’t… I can’t bear to be apart from you again.” 

You move back just enough to look into her eyes. You can see the fear in them, and you know part of your own fears are reflected in the meadows that are her eyes. But you close your eyes and take a long, slow breath before you speak into her lips. 

“I won’t ever let you go again. I love you.” 

She smiles, it’s small and barely there, but she smiles and it’s enough for you. 

“I love you too.” She murmurs as you press another kiss to her lips and lean down to nuzzle her neck. 

Sometime later you finally roll off her and settle down beside her, almost laughing when you somehow find yourself leaning into her side and wrapping yourself around her body as if you were her own personal blanket. But you don’t think about it too much, besides that it feels good. And it feels right. It feels like something you’d never felt before, something you never thought you’d get to feel. 

It feels like home.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thoughts? come share on tumblr! (@kittymannequin.tumblr.com)


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> finally got through this damned block. i actually really like this chapter, it got me all warm and tingly inside.

You don’t remember when exactly the two of you had fallen asleep, but you know it was warm and peaceful and everything you’ve been missing for far too long. 

The first time you wake up, your heart flutters at the sight. 

It’s the crack of dawn, the sun has barely peeked out on the horizon and you’re thankful you listened to Alicia when she told you it’d be silly to board up the upstairs windows. “ _ As far as I know, walkers can’t quite fly yet.”  _ You almost chuckle at the memory of that teasing edge in her voice, but manage to stop yourself before a sound escapes you. 

You’d hate to wake her up and stir her from her blissfully peaceful slumber, one you’re sure she needs, and deserves. 

She’s on her back, head turned just barely towards you, and the steady rise and fall of her chest is so calming that your whole being feels at peace. You need this peace, because you know it’s the deeply rooted fear in you that plagues your mind, the images still so vivid and fresh, memories of when her chest rose and fell for the last time, and her breath died out on your lips. You’re staring, you know, but you have to make sure,  _ be sure _ , that she is still here. You reach out, so,  _ so  _ slowly, carefully, and place your hand softly just below her neck, fingers brushing over her shoulder. 

She  _ is _ here.

It takes you a few moments to pull yourself back from the memories, and once again, you’re smiling because - she’s so beautiful. So young and unrestrained, beautifully fragile and in so many ways innocent. There is no warpaint, no scars, no pain underneath her skin. You know it’s there, you’ve seen it in her eyes the moment she came back to you, but at least in this life she doesn’t carry all that on her shoulders. And you’re so glad. 

Her hair’s still so very tousled from last night, those wild brown locks that curled so snuggly around your fingers when you’d weaved your hands through them, so you lazily reach out to tuck a stubborn strand of hair lightly behind her ear and your smile grows when she pouts for the briefest of moments before her lips widen a little and you’re pretty sure she’s smiling in her sleep. You think she might even wake up, but she simply moves to roll over on her side, facing you fully, and you feel a gentle hand slither around under the covers, reaching for you until it’s wrapped around your hip and languid fingers are brushing over your skin just under the hem of your shirt. 

When you press up closer to her, you know you’ll drift back to sleep in no time, but for the first time in years, you don’t fear the darkness that comes with your dreams. They may still haunt you but at least she won’t be just a figure anymore, a shadow walking behind you every step of the way. This time, when you open your eyes again, she’ll be so much more than that. 

When you do wake up again, a couple of hours later, you wake with a start. Her arms are wound tightly around you, body pressed to yours and you can feel her breath tingling your neck. 

But you’re sitting up before you know it because you’d heard it in your light sleep - something, a loud thump, maybe even something breaking - and the frail safety of the house doesn’t offer much comfort right now. Alicia’s eyes are wide and startled as she sits up and stares at you. She opens her mouth to speak but you press a finger to her lips before she can ask anything. 

“Shhh,” You murmur, “Something’s up.” 

Her eyes widen for the briefest of moments and her hands fall away from your waist when you scramble out of bed and grab one of your guns, heading for the door. She’s up and following after you momentarily, a knife in one hand and her other hand reaching out to take hold of your own. It sends sparks through you when your fingers brush against each other but you can’t have the luxury of enjoying the sensation, or the moment. 

Another sound breaks through your safe little cocoon and this time you grip your gun tighter and hear the sharp, short breath Alicia takes before you’re both out the door and heading for the stairs. The closer you get, the louder the sound becomes, until you realize it’s a constant thumping, as if someone,  _ something _ ’s trying to break down a door. Or a wall. Or both even. You catch a glimpse of a shadow passing by one of the windows through a crack between the wooden boards, and you still mid step, grunting when Alicia’s hand slides to your shoulder and she grips tightly, leaning over.

“Do you think…”

“It could be.” You don’t let her finish her question, knowing full well what she’s trying to ask. “We need to keep quiet.” You half-whisper. 

She sighs and you both move forward, taking that last step down the stairs, when another shadow passes by a nearby window, and the blood running through your veins seems to burn through you. You’ve only just got her back, you’re not about to lose her. 

Alicia tries to reach out for your arm but you’re already making your way towards the large front door, standing in front of the cupboard you’d dragged and placed at the door, and you point your gun at the door, just staring and waiting. You know the door will give out eventually, what with the way something’s banging so incessantly against it. It probably can’t hold on much longer but at least you’ll be ready to blow off whatever it is that’ll try to push through. 

Alicia walks over, slides her hands to your waist and holds on to you, and you find it endearing how protective she still is. Her grip is warm and firm, even if her breathing’s so very fast. 

After a couple of minutes you hear one of the hinges on the door crack and you swear your breath catches in your throat when the banging stops and the shadows are nowhere to be found. You both startle at the sound of a few loud, distinctly human grunts coming from the other side, and then something collides with the door and the cupboard moves a little. Just barely, but it’s enough for your heart to nearly jump out your chest. 

There’s another bang against the door, then a long, loud creak and when your finger moves to the trigger, brushing over it just barely, you’re really not sure how it happens but by some divine force, or maybe it’s the force of Alicia’s hand moving so fast that you don’t even see it but - when Travis’ face peeks in through the hole at the side of the door, you manage to not blow it off. 

You’re still not sure how, ten, twenty, fifty seconds later. All you’re sure of is that your hearts slamming against your ribcage because some twisted, dark part of you had hoped it’d be a walker so you could blow its head off and pretend that all your fears of losing her would go away with the dead, lifeless body you’d leave behind. 

But it’s not a walker. It’s anything but. 

It’s Travis and his eyebrows raised high, his eyes open wide and nostrils flaring up as he starts shouting at you, at Alicia, at everything and anything. You can hear Madison’s voice coming through the other side of the door, and you’re pretty sure Nick’s laughing at the side. 

“Get this goddamn door!” Travis shouts at you and Alicia’s moving faster than you once again, grunting as she pushes away the cupboard and the door falls over on the side, allowing them to finally come in. “What the hell were you thinking? Are you insane?!” Travis shouts at her, moving all too close to her face but before you can even react - and you know you’d react badly,  _ oh so badly  _ with your gun still safely in your hand - Alicia rolls her eyes at him and moves to stand beside you, leaving him to stare in shock and disbelief at the disobedience she clearly shows. 

You of all people know how gruesome this must be for her, for the person deep inside her, but you also know better than to say anything because she can take care of herself. You won’t ever let her be by herself again, but you know she’s got what it takes to take on whatever might be thrown her way.

“Chill, Travis. We’re fine.” She glances your way with a small smile and Madison has to choose that moment to bustle in.

“Alicia! Where the hell have yo- What the hell- What did you do to her?” Madison’s gaze moves so fast between you and Alicia that you almost miss the one very obvious thing about the whole situation.

You’re both wearing little to no clothing and Alicia’s got your shirt. 

“I didn’t do anything  _ to _ her.” You say while bringing your gun down and staring right back at her. “And what we did has nothing to do with you.” The words come out icy and sharp, and you know by Alicia’s smirk that you certainly picked the right words. 

“Alicia, sweetheart,” Madison steps in closer and tries to reach out but Alicia waves her off.

“I’m fine mom, Elyza and I… We, um…” Her cheeks flare up a little and if the whole situation wasn’t so horribly awkward, you’d actually laugh at how adorable she is. 

“I think we all got what the two of you, um…” Nick quips in from the door, earning himself a glare from Travis.

“We’re gonna go get dressed,” Alicia murmurs quickly and tugs at your hand, “Come on. We need to go.” 

You smile a little at her before she tugs again and drags you back up towards the stairs. “There’s supplies in the kitchen,” She calls to Madison who’s still standing there, frozen and rooted to the spot. You’re not sure but you think she looks like she’s trying to process what just happened but knowing her, she’ll give you hell. 

Oh she’ll give you so much hell. 

And Travis - you’ll have to look out for him. He’s already on the top of your ‘I don’t really like you’ list, and you’ll definitely be more careful. 

Nick, on the other hand, is the life of this party. He’s snickering on the side, still leaning against the broken door and when you glance over your shoulder to look at him, he gives you a thumbs up. You’re not really sure how to take that but for some strange, inexplicable reason you really want to talk to him about what happened. You want to explain a thing or two, maybe give him enough clarification to let him know that his sister - whoever she was before, she’s still Alicia now - means the world, and so much more, to you. 

When the two of you are out of sight and finally back up in the room, Alicia’s more than just flustered. She’s beat red and awkward and you sigh before walking over, take her hands in your own and nuzzle her cheek until she looks at you.

“Sorry that was so… Stupid.” She mumbles against your lips when you press a gentle kiss to hers.

“If anyone should be sorry, it’s me. I should have been more careful. Those could have been walkers.” 

“Honestly, right now, I’d prefer it if they were…” She groans and hides her face in your neck, but the way her lips seal around a purple spot on your skin that she’d left there last night, you know she’ll get over it all soon enough.

“We’re fine.” You murmur and your hands rest on her hips while her own slide up and around your shoulders. “You’ll be okay.” You say when she pulls back and leans her forehead against your own. “We’ll get through this, we are strong.” 

“Mmh yeah, we will.” She says before her lips press into yours and she kisses you, deep and slow and so,  _ so gently.  _ “You laik ai uf, hodnes.” 

You’re not sure if it’s the touch of her lips, her presence, or the words she murmurs into another kiss but your heart clenches and then flutters, and warmth the likes of which you haven’t felt in years, spreads through you like wildfire, burning out every ounce of doubt and pushing away your fears, making room for love once more, for warmth and safety and tenderness and everything you’ve left behind. And in this moment, you know you’re happy. 

You’re finally happy again. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigedasleng:
> 
> Yu laik ai uf, hodnes. - You are my strength, love.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> whooaa, 21, how'd we get here?

You’ve been on the road for the past four days and you’ve never been in more serious need of actual sleep.

Alicia’s managed to make this whole ordeal a lot easier for you ever since things have changed and she’s remembered, but you’re still sleeping three or four hours a day and even when you are asleep, your dreams are still far too troubled for you to have some real rest. 

The last place you remember passing through was San Luis. It probably wouldn’t have left such an impact on your memory, had Alicia not had another fight with Travis just on the outskirts of the city. 

You didn’t want to interfere, not when you know how well she can handle things herself, but his behaviour did leave a gut-wrenching feeling in your stomach. You didn’t like him from the start and your patience is growing thin. 

It’s not until you’ve passed another sign that says Monterey is just a couple miles away, that you see them pulling up at another barren gas station. You follow suit, with Alicia’s arms wrapped tightly around your waist and her chin resting on your shoulder. 

She doesn’t let go, not even once you’ve stopped. She only leans over so she’s peering over your shoulder and she kisses your cheek, light and a little bashful and you can’t help the small laugh that escapes you. Sometimes you forget how gentle and loving she in fact is, even if her exterior has grown to be a little gruff. 

Madison’s glare is probably strong enough to burn a hole through your skull and from the way Travis has got his fist clenched by his side, you’re sure he’s got a lot to say. But he won’t dare, not after Alicia’s threatened you two would leave again, and this time for good, if he said another word to either her or you. You’re all aware how hurtful that would be to her family, to Madison and Nick, most of all Alicia - and to be honest, you’re not sure how you’d make yourself ‘cause her so much pain - so you know Travis won’t do a thing, or say another word. 

And honestly, you’re relieved. You don’t have a lot of patience, not anymore. You’ve spent a lifetime longing for her, you don’t care who has something to say about it. You’ve died to see her again and you’ll be damned if anyone’s opinion will stop you from showing her just how much you’ve loved her all this time. 

“Come on, lovebirds,” You hear Nick call over his shoulder and you wanna throw something at him but nothing besides Alicia’s warm, supple body is near and well, it’s not like you try at all to resist the temptation to run your hands around her hips and rest them at the small of her back. 

You know she doesn’t want them to see or know too much, but she’s made it clear that you are… special to her and it’s obvious there is more than just friendship between you. Nick’s comments, if nothing else, have made that blatantly clear. 

“I’m going to punch him,” She grumbles as she leans over to nuzzle your cheek but you tilt your head and capture her lips with your own, pressing a gentle kiss to them.

“Oh no, let me. It’ll be my pleasure.” You manage to mumble just before she kisses you. It’s short but it’s just what you need and enough to make your heart stutter. It’s kind of like that first kiss that you’d shared in her tent, the first time she ever made you question your feelings for her. The first and last time.

It all fell into place after that. The joy, the pain, the sorrow, the excitement - you knew what you felt even before you dared to feel it. It was deep and profound, something that you, Clarke, were not sure you understood well enough to call it such. You pushed the feelings away, and you understood when she said that love is weakness. Losing her made you weaker than anything ever could. But loving her made you that much stronger. 

“Hello, anybody in here?” Alicia’s voice draws you out of your thoughts and her raised eyebrow and cheeky smile have your breath hitching just before she presses her lips once more to your own. “Come on, ai niron.” She murmurs against your lips and steps away, smiling when you try to catch her lips for another kiss but you fall just short of them, jutting out your bottom lip in a small pout. Before she can tease you about it you’re up on your feet and straightening out your jacket, checking your strapped guns and following in her steps while she runs after Nick. 

When you take a look around, you frown a bit at the stillness of the space around you. It’s unnervingly calm and something about the silence in the air makes your skin crawl. You hasten your steps and the moment you’re behind her, your hand slides to the small of her back as you lean in to mumble in her ear. 

“We should hurry.” 

“I know.” She mumbles back before turning to all of them. “We need to hurry and move on.” 

“Is the lack of walking corpses too weird for you?” Nick grins at the both of you and she throws an empty water bottle at him, huffing out when it smacks him right into his forehead. He grumbles something unintelligible and shuffles away to the shop area and grinning when he spots all the aisles with sweets. “Cool.” You hear him say before he disappears inside. You try to suppress your own grin but you fail miserably.

You like Nick. He’s a nice enough guy, got a great sense of humour and he looks out for Alicia, which matters more to you than anything else. He loves her and you see it in the way he looks at her when he thinks no one sees. It’s admirable, you believe, even though you know your love for her spans anything he, or any of them, could ever feel. 

“I’m serious,” She says, staring at Travis, “It’s too quiet here. We’re vulnerable.” You recognize the tone of her voice. She’s gone into her commander mode and you can’t help the twitch of your lips as you stare at her. Your Heda in her full force. 

She gives them a small speech about safety, about different ways you could all be killed if you stay here for too long and you’re pretty sure she mentions three different escape routes along the way. They stare at her, gaping both in shock and awe, probably more confused than they’d ever been. But they don’t question her much. Madison doesn’t say a word, other than trying to talk to her about you but she brushes her off with a wave of her hand - that bloody impressive, commanding, hot as fuck wave of a hand - and Travis only says that he knows you should leave as soon as possible before he goes off to find Nick. 

When she returns to stand beside you her arm brushes against yours and her smirk is bigger than the sun. 

“You know, Heda, you’re pretty distracting when you’re all... “ You wave your hand in her general direction, eyes set on hers, “In your element.” 

“Am I now?” She murmurs and brushes past you, eyebrow raised and her lips curled in a devious smirk. 

While you walk back to the bike, with Travis, Madison and Nick trailing close by, you can’t help but smirk yourself. You probably should have prepared yourself better for when she remembers. 

You knew she’d make your head spin every step of the way.

* * *

 

The next time you stop, it’s because the sun has almost set and riding during the night is dangerous. You’ve seen people, actual living people as soon as you entered the half-barricaded city, but not as many as you’d like. The population keeps getting smaller by the day. The walkers are growing in numbers and you’re not really sure how you’ll manage to outrun them.

You know you’ll do everything you can, for her. 

Travis seems to know his way around town, he’s lead you through a lot of streets and you follow almost blindly because you’re dying to get off the bike and throw yourself onto any flat surface, close your eyes and sleep for at least an hour or two. 

The house you pull up in front of is… shabby to say the least. It’s small, the paint is falling off in some places, the roof doesn’t really look like it offers much shelter and doors look like they’ll fall apart any moment now. 

You’ve just about to step off the bike when the said door opens and a guy, about Alicia’s height with dark skin and Travis’ facial features comes out and shouts from the porch.

“Look what the cat dragged in! The negligent father and my supposed-to-be siblings.” His voice is laced with anger and the way Alicia stiffens next to you makes you wanna punch him and knock him out. Maybe even teach him some manners, if you weren’t as tired. 

Everyone except Travis is staring at him rather awkwardly but when Travis finally speaks up everything falls into place.

“I’m glad you’re okay, Chris. Where’s your mom?” 

“Getting some food and water. Why?” 

“We’re gonna stay here, then you’re coming with us.” 

“Sorry, what?” Chris clears his throat as Travis walks over to him, extending his arms to pull him in a hug.

“The walkers are coming, Chris. We need to be fast and move somewhere where we’ll all be safe.” 

“Yeah you just ex-” Chris’ words are cut off when a woman comes walking down the street, shouting out Travis’ name.

“What the hell are you doing here?” She asks him as she passes by Madison as if the woman didn’t even exist. 

You don’t really pay them much attention after that because Alicia’s hand slips into yours and she leans against you, sighing. You run your thumb over her palm, trying your best to soothe her when Nick approaches.

“So… More drama, just what we need.” 

“Nick, shut up.” She all but growls but you nudge her shoulder with yours, forcing her to look at you. She pouts for a moment then looks back at him, still leaning against you. “Sorry.”

“Yeah, it’s fine. Nice to know your girlfriend’s less of a dick than you.” 

You don’t manage to suppress the ungraceful snort that escapes you. “Actually, I think you got it all wrong.” You smirk at him and Alicia huffs by your side. “Hm?” You hum as you tilt your head to meet her gaze. “What? I didn’t quite catch that.” 

“You’re gonna gang up on me with my brother, aren’t you?” She asks, feigning anger but her smile tells you she’s finally found calmness in this whole situation. Everything unraveling just a couple of feet away from you has been forgotten and seizes to exist when she leans over and presses her lips to your cheek. 

“Of course she is,” You hear Nick say, but only because he’s standing so close to you. “And just so we’re clear, your girlfriend is far cooler than you, Alicia.” He grins at you and gives you a thumbs up and your eyebrow shoots up before you turn to smirk at her.

“Hear that? I’m way cooler than you.” 

“You’re both idiots.” She grumbles and tries to let go of your hand, only to have you wrap your fingers more tightly around her own. Before she put more space between the two of you, you lean over, whispering in her ear. 

“You’re still my favourite.” 

She smacks your shoulder with her free hand and glares at you, for the briefest of moments, before all three of you turn to face the rest of the people you’ve managed to ignore so far. 

“So are we gonna go sleep or what?” Nick shouts out and Alicia follows up with her own ‘yeah, what the hell’, earning herself a glare from both Madison and Travis before you’re all moving towards the house. 

Later you find out that Liza, Travis’ ex wife owns the place and lives there with their son Chris. You don’t really care, as long as you get to cuddle up next to Alicia. 

And you do. 

You cuddle up nice and warm and close and just before you fall asleep, you feel her arms tighten around your waist and her breath ghosts over your neck and it’s all you need to have your heart beating evenly, calmly in your chest. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i thought we needed some nick-alicia-elyza time.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick note before you all jump into this chapter!  
> I know many of you have been wondering how I'll go about incorporating the whole FTWD story-line into this and I'm not sure if it'll come as relief or disappointment when I say that I don't plan on following it that much or rather, at all.  
> I only watch the show so I have at least a bit sense of the characters I'm writing about (even though this is an AU, mind you) but other than that I have no real interest in pursuing any sort of plot that might follow the show.  
> This story will go a whole other way, I've got a very different direction in mind and of course, the main focus was, is and will be Clexa/Lexark.  
> \---  
> Also, my dear readers, you brighten my days and make all this time spent writing worthwhile. All your wonderful words mean the world to me. Thank you for stopping by, for following and for letting me know how this story makes you feel. It really means a lot to me.

The past couple of days have mostly been a blur of brown hair and green eyes, all wrapped up in so much more warmth than you’d been used to in both your lifetimes. 

You remember how, when Lexa died, you couldn’t feel warm no matter how hard you tried. No clothing or covers, no person - nothing could warm you the way she did. You still felt spikes of unrelenting coldness, chills running down your spine, even on the warmest of days. When she left, she took warmth with her and all you had left was the searing cold of your walled up, tattered heart.

Now, it’s warm all the time. 

You love it, more than you ever thought you could. It’s as if you constantly need more, crave more of it, more of that gentle feeling, the light buzz that seems to surround you at all times. Especially when she’s around.

More than once you catch yourself reaching for her, brushing your fingers with hers or just leaning into her just to feel her close, to have her presence wash over you. You’ve somehow become addicted to it in the short time that you’d spent together again and you’re not willing to let it go, not even when you know she’s here and safe and yours.

It still seems to come back to your fear of losing her again. You’ve tried shaking it off, you’ve spent the past couple of days with her by your side but the little tendrils of fear still manage to snake up your spine every once in a while when you let yourself relax just a bit more.

She feels it too, you know. 

You know because she smiles at you that much warmer, you know it from the glances across the room that you catch every so often. You know she feels it from the soft caresses in the dead of the night when everyone is asleep and her arms are tucked safely around your waist, her fingers tracing little lines over your skin. She presses her lips to yours and you feel her reassurances in the hushed promise her kisses carry, in the unspoken ‘i love you’, in her hitching breaths and shuddering arms. 

When you wake up early on another, what seems to be, endless day, you’re thankful for the fact that Alycia insisted the two of you sleep in a small room up in the attic, away from all the others. 

Her hair is all sorts of messy, falling half-across her cheek and half tousled next to her on the pillow. If you look long enough you think you might just drown in the sea of brown. But it’s the first thing you see when you open your eyes and it’s a sight like no other.

Her face though… 

You’re not sure how a beauty such as herself has even looked at you twice, but you get to look at her and it makes your heart nearly stop. You get to map her face the way you’d tried mapping the darkness you saw out that small little window in your cell, all the way back in space. Looking at her like this, unmarred and free, you realize loving her is what touching a star must feel like.

Her face is a galaxy, her eyes stardust, her lips your home planet. 

You never really felt like you had a home but she…She is that. And she is your safety, your world and all your lives. 

As you settle on your side, still staring at her, you can’t help but reach out and brush away a strand of her hair before you let your fingers graze over her jaw, with a touch so feather-light that it’s barely there. You trace it over her skin slowly, slipping down to the spot you’ve grown to know so well ever since she’s come back to you, the place where you feel her heart beating, the place that gives you the will to go on with every soft thud you feel against your fingertip. 

You leave your finger there, let it soothe you as you’re lulled back to sleep for a few more minutes, at least until she begins to stir and you see her lips twitch moments before her eyes open lazily. 

“Ai niron, hei.” 

Her lips curl in a smile so wide and gorgeous that you feel your heart swell at the sight and all you ever want to do is just wake up to this for as long as you possibly can. Her voice is still a little raspy, still slightly deeper than usual and you get to hear it, first thing in the morning and really - nothing could ever compare to this.

Or at least you think so until she’s leaning over, hand already searching for yours, fingers fitting back to their rightful place - between your own - and you get to see the warmth of her soul in the forest of her eyes, just moments before she her lips press ever so lightly onto yours.

When you kiss her back, you’re not ever aware of the way your heart speeds up momentarily, as if it’ll beat right out of your chest. She’s grinning into your lips, chuckling even but then you press further, you kiss her again and again until you’re rolling over, sliding your hands to rest just next to her gorgeous locks and staring down and her with an eyebrow raised and your lips curled in a smirk ‘cause she’s a little flushed, her lips parted ever so slightly and you can feel her heated breath ghosting over your lips. 

“Hi.” You murmur and reclaim her lips again, kissing her as if you’d never kissed her before and this is the first kiss that you want to remember forever. But you want to remember every kiss forever, and you’ll make sure every kiss feels like the first. 

You still remember the way your knees almost gave out when you felt her lips on your own for the first time, when she kissed you and in that kiss she gave you hope, when you needed it so much. You don’t think you’ll ever forget the way she hesitated, just barely, before you kissed her back and time seemed to melt away in those fleeting seconds. 

Now it melts away for different reasons. 

Time has no meaning, you’ve learnt. It passes, too quickly or too slowly, you’re still not sure. But you’ve been given more time, and it’s all you could have asked for. 

The second you pull back to look at her, she’s got her fingers tangled in your hair and her grip is strong, but so,  _ so _ gentle, and she’s pulling you back, pulling your lip between her own, and the touch of her tongue against it makes a shiver pass through you. When she deepens the kiss, and you give in fully, the warmth you’ve been craving so long consumes you. 

You don’t know when you’ve snaked a hand down her side, or when you’d managed to slip it past the waistband of her shorts, but the moment you feel her buck her hips into your palm for the first time, all thoughts elude you. 

“May I?” You ask because you’ll always need reassurance, in one form or another.

“Sha.” She murmurs looking at you with those pools of green that seem to have grown a shade darker. 

Your first few touches are slow and cautious, as if you’d never touched her before but it still feels so exhilarating that you can’t help but be in awe when your fingers are met with nothing but warmth and wetness. You want to take your time, even though you know you don’t have it all that much, but you want to appreciate this, you want to take as long as you possibly can because you’re not sure when you’ll be able to feel her like this again. 

As much as time is irrelevant, it’s not on your side.

So you take it slow, you let your fingers explore, you drive them lower until she’s lifting her hips in a silent invitation, but then you’re moving back up, almost grinning when her breath hitches and she all but whines. When you circle her clit and press that pad of your finger over the hardened nub, you almost moan out yourself at the tiny whimper that escapes her. 

And when you look up, and your eyes meet, there’s nothing but love and warmth and need in the look she gives you. 

“Beja,” She murmurs, and it’s so silent that you almost miss it but you’re glad you don’t because it’s all you need to finally move where she needs you, craves you the most. 

You want to commit this moment to memory so you never,  _ ever _ forget it. You want to die with her name on your lips every time you have to, but you want to remember the feeling of her warmth squeezing around your fingers, they way she clenches and flutters around them so beautifully, you want it to be the last thing you feel when your breath leaves, in all your lifetimes. 

You know she needs more so you start moving your hand more, you start thrusting, ever so slightly, until you’ve picked up the pace and she’s bucking into your hand, with her chest rising high and her breath coming out short, ragged. 

She’s so close, you can hardly wait to feel her unravel in your arm-

“Hey Alici- Oh my god. Fuck. I mean shit. Oh my-” 

The second your eyes shift to the side and you realize what’s going on, you realize you’ve never been more thankful that the blankets that you’d fallen asleep under are still draped over your bodies right now. 

“Nick get out!” Alicia growls at him and from the corner of your eye you see a pillow fly across the tiny space left between the bed and his face. It hits the door because he manages to close it on time and you swear you hear a muffled ‘sorry’ the moment he’s out of sight, but then she’s groaning and dragging the other pillow over her head, trying to squirm away from you and you’re painfully aware of your fingers still buried deep inside her. 

“Joken skrish,” She mutters under the pillow as you move away to lean back on your knees, staring at her. 

“Hey,” You murmur, “Hey come on now,” You try again, slumping over next to her and pulling the pillow away from her face, grinning when you’re meet with reddened cheeks and her bottom lip jutting out in a pout. “Do you want me to…” 

You watch her brows furrow for the shortest of moments before she’s burrowing into your side, lips pressing into your neck as she all but wraps herself around you. 

“The mood’s gone now,” She grumbles and you can’t help but smile, even if you both have been left without your release. “Just… Can we just hold each other for a bit?” 

“Otaim.” You murmur and press a kiss to her temple, wrapping your arms around her waist and pulling her closer still. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehe.
> 
> Trigedasleng:  
> Sha: Yes  
> Beja: Please  
> Joken skrish: Fucking shit  
> Otaim: Always


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I think we can consider this a small filler chapter before the plot continues and I decide how to have some people make appearances.

It took a fair amount of persuading from Alicia to get you to actually leave the house without her and you’re far too agitated to bother hiding it from anyone, let alone Nick. 

It has been a while since you’ve arrived at Liza’s house and the supplies rapidly grew shorter with so many more people inside. So after a brief discussion, you’d all decided four of you would head out to different parts of the city to acquire more supplies and check the situation and the state of people. You went in pairs, Travis and his son, Nick and you, while Alicia and Madison stayed in with Liza. You’re glad Nick grumbled about going with Travis, otherwise you’d be stuck with his slimey son and you’re not sure he’d come back alive had you two gone together. You’d happily push him into a walker’s mouth had you the chance. 

The disease, as they like to call it, hasn’t spread this far yet, but you’re wary, driven by your past instincts, and you know it’s not smart to stay in one place for too long. It’s been days and you’ve warned them all that you can’t keep hiding in Liza’s house, not when there’s something so horrible coming your way. Of course, all but Alicia and Nick dismissed you for now and with you not being a part of their family in any way, you have no say in things. You know they’re wrong but for Alicia’s sake, you’ve decided to give them a couple more days. When the walkers come knocking, you’ll get to gloat with your girl in your arms, at least.

But you’re still so worried about her. Not because you think she’s weak or incapable of fighting, she’s strong and you know it. You’re well aware that she can take care of herself, that she’s more than capable of taking on whoever and  _ whatever _ might come her way, now more so than before.

_ “Hodness, do not worry, I will be fine.”  _ Her words ring in your head and when you close your eyes, you can see the flash of force in those eyes you love so much.

Her warrior mind has returned almost intact, her instincts are sharper than ever and there’s a sway in her walk, a shift in her posture when she stands near you, it’s as if Heda herself is right there. It’s funny, you think, because for some really strange reason the whole change goes exquisitely with this adorable teenage girl Alicia truly is. 

Despite that, you can’t shake the gnawing feeling hanging over your shoulders when you leave the house for the first time without her. 

“Relax,” You hear Nick mumble beside you, “She can take care of herself.” 

You’re on your way to a store, just a couple of feet away and you’re thinking the sooner you get this over with, the better. You can go back to her, wrap your arms around her and take in everything that is so her, just lose yourself in her. 

“I know that.” You say, brushing him off but it’s obviously not good enough because as soon as you’re walking in the store, he starts again.

“So when did that happen? You and my sister?”

You don’t have to look at him to know he’s staring at you instead of looking for the things you’ve come to buy. As you glance at him to return his stare you realize there’s no judgment in his eyes, no anger or fear, nothing but curiosity. 

You huff, realizing he won’t just back down. “Nick, mate, we were me-” 

“Meant to be, yeah, so she says.” 

So Alicia’s spoken to him. You figured she would but you’re not sure how you’ve missed it considering that she barely ever leaves your sight and you’re reluctant to move too far from her with all the impending danger around you.

“Yes.” You say with a nod and step around him to move to another aisle but he follows suit, picking up a few things along the way. 

“I wanna hear your side of it. And no bullshit like that. She’s my sister and I think I deserve to know when in the span of a week that you two have known each other have your feelings evolved so much that you two look like an old married couple. Spill.” 

This time, no matter how hard you try to dismiss them, his words catch you off guard. 

There’s no venom in them, no accusation, just a little bit suspicion. To be completely fair though, Nick does have a point. You bet it does look really weird to see two complete strangers turn lovers in a matter of a day. But the last of his words strike you more than his justified suspicion.

“We look like what?” You can’t stop the way your heart flutters a little because you know exactly which words he’ll have to repeat and you never thought you’d get to hear those words ever come out of anyone’s mouth.

You hoped, but never too much.

He groans and throw a can in the basket he’s been holding, turning to you. “Of course you’d catch that.” You glare at him and he raises a hand shrugging. “You look like an old married couple.” 

Bad thing is, you think your heart might explode. 

Good thing is, you don’t have to hope anymore.

As you round another aisle and reach the cashier, pulling out a wallet of whatever cash you’d all managed to scramble up, he’s walking past you with a grin. He’s out the door and you’re grumbling about the bags when you get some change back and pack up the stuff. 

Nick’s waiting for you outside, a cigarette between his fingers and he’s staring somewhere to the side, clearly pretending he hasn’t seen you. 

“It’s a long story,” You say simply, standing beside him, “If she wants to tell you, she will. As much as it’s my story to tell, like you said, she’s your sister.” 

He nods and takes one of the bags from you, offering you the cigarette. 

When you shake your head no he mumbles ‘You’re so whipped’ with a grin.

You can’t help thinking he’s a really good bloke. 

It doesn’t take you as long to reach the house as it has to get to the store and you’re relieved when you see that from outside, everything seems the same, and you even catch a few movements beside the window and your heart soars when brown curls and forest green eyes appear from the doorway and Alicia’s got a smile on her face as big as the sun. 

You’re just a couple of steps away from the porch when Nick speaks again.

“You love her, don’t you?” 

It’s not even a second later when the words leave your mouth with your own lips curled in a smile matching her own when your eyes finally meet hers. 

“More than anything.” 


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> OH MY GOD IT'S FINALLY DONE

Playing house is definitely not your forte. 

Though, in all honesty, you never really got to experience what it means to have a true family, to live with someone, to lead something that you’re sure some would call a  _ normal _ life. Neither of the two lives you remember have been calm enough for you to settle down and live that way and right now, if you’d had the chance to choose, you’re not sure if you’d be all that much for the whole domestic thing. 

You remember the only time when you actually thought you might want to do it - settle down with someone, let the love you have within be free. But it was a moment, a fleeting image in a sea of memories full of green eyes and kiss-swollen lips. You remember, vaguely, how you stood in that dark forest, some years after her death, still mourning, still breathing only for her, consumed with her face, her touch, her scent. And you remember how you let yourself fantasize, even for the faintest of moments, what it would have been like had she lived. Had she been yours for a little while longer. Had life given the two of you a chance. 

But it was just a moment, and you buried it deep and far and hoped you’d never think of it again because the pain was too much and, in time, it disappeared.

Now you wonder if maybe this life will have a bit more mercy.

It’s not to say that you haven’t tried fitting in. You still are, even if it is really hard. 

Two weeks have passed since you’ve settled into Liza’s house and you’re not sure how much more of it all you can take. 

The house itself is by all standards far too small to hold as little as three people, let alone seven, and it’s taken a great deal of patience and compromise to make it this far. Your patience is running thin and you feel like snapping at someone won’t be just you telling them they’re a bloody cunt but probably breaking their nose as well.

That wouldn’t really give you any family points. 

Maybe a few from Nick, one or two from Alicia, depending on whose nose ends up broken. 

By the time you realize you’re chuckling at the thought, Alicia’s plopped down beside you on the porch with a bottle of water in one hand and the other immediately slipping into yours. She laces your fingers with a smile and leans over to peck your cheek, which you pretend to frown at because you know it annoys her, and nudges your shoulder, prompting you to turn to her. 

“I love it when you smile,” she murmurs and your heart warms and hiccups at the words, unprepared for the emotions that come storming in along with them. 

She doesn’t say things like that often and you know part of her is fighting really hard against it, trying to break down the walls she’s had around herself for too long. Even in this life, she is just a little out of reach, guarded and so careful of what’s going on in inside her heart.  

“I’ll make sure to smile more then.” You say, brushing your thumb over her knuckles. 

When Madison’s voice comes booming from the house she tilts her head a little, straining to look inside through the open window, and you follow her gaze, frowning when you realize what exactly is going on inside. 

Travis and Madison are fighting again, must be the third time in two days, and you know you’re not the only one sick of it. As if the housing situation wasn’t problematic enough, they keep fighting over things none of you really care about, things that are not important for the situation you’ve all found yourself in, though you know Liza has something to do with it all. It’s far too obvious from the way Madison looks at her or the way Travis all but tiptoes through a room whenever both Madison and Liza are around. Everyone has noticed by now and it’s not like they’re trying to hide it at all.

From the little you’ve heard so far, this time it seems to be about something Madison did. Or didn’t do - you’re not sure and frankly, you couldn’t care less. If you’re going to snap at someone, you’re sure it’s going to be one of them, you just haven’t decided exactly who yet. 

Alicia shifts a little against you, leaning more into your body and you slip your hand away from hers, despite the tiny whine that escapes her - which you’re sure she thinks you haven’t heard - and you slide both your arms around her waist, lacing your hands with hers and pulling her more firmly into your embrace. She sighs in time with you and it’s the warmest you’ve felt in years, if you’re being honest with yourself. 

She’s always made you feel warmer than any fire you’ve ever lit. 

The calm of the moment is broken too soon for your liking when the doors snap open and Madison walks out with her arms crossed over her chest and a frown on her face. You catch her glancing at you before she runs a hand through her hair and stands to lean against the fence. 

“Alicia come here, I want to talk to you.” 

You feel her stiffen in your arms for a moment, then she’s standing up, hesitantly letting go of your hands as she turns to meet her mother and walks the couple steps to stand beside her. It’s not like you to pry and, even though Alicia’s in question and seeing her uneasiness makes you nervous, you know well enough that she can take care of herself and whatever Madison has to say, Alicia will know how to respond. So you stand up to walk away from them, intent on giving them their much needed privacy, but you don’t really get far because something in Alicia’s voice stops you in your tracks.

“Don’t,” You hear her say and her voice is thick with emotions, so raw and full of hurt it makes you want to stop the world and make all the pain she’s ever known go away.

“You don’t even know who she is and you’re acting like, like… She’s older than you Alicia, for goodness sake! Look at her! She looks like she’s-”

“Don’t finish that sentence, mother. Don’t because you don’t know, you don’t understand anything that I- Respect us and don’t talk about Elyza like she’s not here.” Alicia all but growls at her and the moment you realize she’s clenching her fists you know she’s at her limit and you’re not sure how this will end. Madison’s words might even hurt were it not for the fact that you and Alicia,  _ you and Lexa _ , share a life beyond her imagination. 

The love you two share spans between worlds and you know Madison could never possibly understand. 

“Alicia you can’t talk to me like this, what’s gotten into you? Can’t you see what’s going on here?” Madison glances towards you, finger pointing in your direction. “She’s using you! Using us!”

“Using us? For what? The utmost incompetence everyone in this house has exhibited? The idiocy that goes around in those walls? The hatred, the ignorance, what mother? What is Elyza using us for?” 

You take a few steps closer, reaching out to grab her hand but only brushing your fingers over her knuckles. She quickly turns to you, murmuring a quiet ‘I’m okay’ and turning back to her mother with a scowl on her face, speaking before Madison can say more.

“Elyza here doesn’t need us. If you think she’s using us for supplies or some stupidity like that, you’re mistaken. She can take care of herself and you should have realized that by now. I won’t tolerate this anymore, I can’t. I am sick of the looks, the hushed words, the things I know you tell Travis, everything that shows how much you don’t care in the least how all of that makes me feel. I love her, mother, more than you could ever understand. Elyza is… She is so special.” 

You stumble a few steps, taken aback by the strength in her words. It’s everything she’s never told you, everything she’s been keeping inside ever since you’ve settled at the house. You reach out and grab her by her wrist before you even realize what you’re doing.

“Come on.” A glance back to Madison tells you everything you need to know about her opinion of you. You drag her back in the house and make your way upstairs to your makeshift bedroom, sit down on the bed and pull her into your arms. 

It takes a few minutes of silence for you to realize that she’s crying. Her head is tucked into your neck and the tiny sobs that escape her are barely noticeable but the warmth sliding down your skin makes it all too real. So you slip your arms around her waist almost on instinct and kiss your way from her forehead to her hair, hoping your presence will be enough to calm her down. 

She quiets down after a while, still tucked into you as close as possible, and her breathing finally evens out. You know she’s still awake, even if barely, because she occasionally presses a kiss to your neck, a touch so light you almost miss it. As you struggle to reach and grab the blanket at your feet, she squirms a little, pushing herself away from you, and lies down on the mattress fully adjusting the pillow. She finally settles down and you’re about to move away because you’d planned to go scout for a bit but then you feel her fingers wrap around your wrist just before she’s reaching out for you and dragging you to lay down next to her. You oblige wordlessly and lie on your back while she wraps her arms around you and pulls you closer. 

It’s everything you didn’t get to experience as Clarke and no matter how much this world may try deny you the joy of being in her arms, you’ll fight as hard as you can to feel it. You both need the calm, the warmth, the peace you bring each other. And for now, you don’t mind indulging in it just for a little while longer. 

It’s dark again. Not the usual dark, but the type that turns your blood into stone, the kind of dark that makes you cringe in terror whenever you feel it creeping up on you. There’s nothing but blackness around you, and you’re cold and numb and so lost to the world you once almost called your home. 

You don’t remember falling asleep but you’ll sure as hell remember waking up.

It’s always the same thing you see right before you wake up, the same crippling darkness that surrounds you seconds before your insides feel like they’re shattering and your chest almost bursts and then it’s over.

And you’re awake and breathing and Clarke is gone, once again.

You slip out of the bed as quietly as possible, grab your jacket and your guns before you’re out the room and making your way downstairs. Nick catches your glance and nods towards you just as you step into the small living-room and call out to Chris. The three of you leave the house almost in a hurry with Nick walking by your side and Chris all but trotting after you while you cast him a glance every once in awhile, trying to urge him to move faster than a crippled dingo. 

He’s an annoyance, in every sense of the word, and you don’t think anything could possibly make him look even a little bit better in your eyes. He hasn’t done anything to harm you or Alicia in any way, nor has his presence hurt anyone else in the house either but there’s just something about him that makes you want to punch his bloody face in. And the fact that you’ve caught him staring at Alicia more than once in ways that make your insides burn only stirs your anger. 

But you’re putting up with him, as much as you can, because it’s for her good and for the good of the little of peace you two can get while you’re here. 

The scouting doesn’t take as long as you’d thought it would and you’re making your way back sooner than planned, carrying no more than a bag of supplies and no good news. Though at least this time you’ve got no bad news either. There seems to be no news of the virus reaching you yet and as far as you’ve managed to scour the area, it seems to be clear. It’s not ideal but it’s the best and you’ll settle for it for now. 

Nick disappears in the house the moment you reach it with Chris right behind him and you stay out a little while longer, puffing on a cigarette you’d taken from the pack when the house came into view. You make it short, though, because you can still feel traces of darkness seeping through your bones and the chills you’re getting make your skin crawl. You want nothing but to slip under the covers with Alicia’s arms wrapped around and you as tight as possible and the thought itself makes the darkness feel a little brighter. 

You step inside and hear Madison asking Chris to go get Alicia because she needs her to help set out the dishes and you’re a little confused ‘cause - why is she asking Chris? But then you see Nick through the kitchen window, standing outside and puffing a cigarette of his own and you wonder how you haven’t noticed that at all until now. Probably ‘cause your eyes always seem to wonder to one sight, and one sight alone. 

A force of habit by now, you reckon. Or simply making sure that you never again lose what you’ve finally found after so much time.

Chris disappears up the stairs as you make your way towards the back door, trying your best to stay out of Madison’s way since you’re not really in the mood to fight and the moment you step outside, Nick turns to greet you with a small nod. 

“You know, smoking kills,” You say with a smirk and pull out your own pack, fingers grazing over the edges of the small red box.

“So do a lot of things.” He smirks back at you and takes a long drag as he glances away. “And much faster than this,” He adds and turns back to meet your eyes.

“Hah, bloody oath,” You chuckle and bring the cigarette to your lips, light it and push the pack back into your pocket. 

“What?” He looks at you with a bit of confusion in his eyes and it makes you chuckle once more before you answer him.

“Lemme rephrase that,” You say and take a drag, “Damn straight.” You flash him a grin and watch as he falls into a fit of laughter mid exhale and his laughing fit turns into a coughing one and soon you’re rushing to his side and patting his back, trying to help him through it. “Nick, mate, you ok there?” You can’t help but laugh yourself ‘cause he’s all but wheezing and you’re not even sure if it’s laughter or coughing but he’s bending over and clutching his knees and yep, it’s definitely laugher. 

“Oh my fucking god, I’m gonna die,” He manages to mumble through the fit, laughing even harder, “You’re one of the things,” He laughs even harder then, “One of the things that kill!” 

At first you snort - you actually bloody snort - at his words because he just almost died and he totally makes sense but then it hits you, full force, how true his words really are and you let go of his shaking body, step back and run a hand through your hair, your smile morphing into a tight-lipped smirk.

“That’s bloody fair dinkum, Nick.” You say and take his outstretched hand, helping him stand up straight but you don’t wait for his answer this time. You see him open his mouth to say something but you’re already halfway back into the house by the time he actually does speak his mind.

“We all are, Elyza.” You hear him murmur, even though the words are clear as day. 

“Yeah,” You mumble, glancing over your shoulder, “I guess so.”

He smiles at you, “Come on, let’s go back ins-” He doesn’t get to finish his sentence when you hear a scream coming from inside, from the voice which you’d recognize anywhere and everywhere. 

In a moment, your mind is filled with images of black blood and green eyes staring warily at you, your spine feels cold as death itself and the hairs at the back of your neck stand on end. 

The danger is finally here and you got caught up in the moment, you forgot why you were truly here, you forgot to pay attention - you failed. And now Alicia’s screaming and fuck knows what’s going on and you’ll have to run again and by the time you’re bounding inside like a fury your mind has already conjured up a thousand different scenarios of what is happening inside the kitchen. Your hands are already on your guns when you slam open the door with your foot but when you burst inside, with Nick right behind you, you falter in your steps because there’s nothing resembling any of the scenarios you’ve already witnessed in your mind. And then you hear it, more clearly this time. 

“You fucking piece of shit! What the fuck is wrong with you?!” 

Alicia’s voice is like nothing you’ve heard before, or at least in this lifetime. You’re not exactly sure if you’ve ever actually heard her this angry in both your lifetimes. Lexa has always kept her cool and the few times her anger managed to take the better of her, she’d show it, not voice it. 

“I didn’t do anything!” Chris shouts back and you catch sight of him at the foot of the stairs, staring up, probably at Alicia.

“You didn’t do anything? You fucking pervert!” She shouts again and the word triggers something inside you.

Something that makes you almost jump from your spot and push past Madison and Travis as you nearly slam into Chris when you reach him. You’re grabbing his collar and pushing him up against the nearest wall before you even realize what it is you’re doing and why exactly you’re acting this way. 

“What the bloody hell did you do?” Your eyes are fixed on his and you’re pretty sure it’s not a nice sight, with the way you’re fuming and glaring and you can feel your heart slamming against your ribcage. You manage a quick glance over your shoulder to check on Alicia and her disheveled state only worries you more. “What did he do?” 

She takes a few steps down the stairs but then stops, hesitating over the last few stairs and you know it’s because she’s clutching a t-shirt to her front and there’s nothing underneath it and at this point you just wanna rip his head off. 

“I caught him staring at me changing in our room.” She mumbles out and you swear she almost sounds a little afraid. “I don’t know how long but he was staring and-”

“You what?” Your head whips back to him and you all but growl, so loud and angry, slamming him against the wall and gripping his collar tighter with both your hands this time.

“Elyza, no!” Alicia shouts from the stairs but everything is red around you, your heart is pounding, there’s a buzzing in your ears and you just want to bash his face in, a couple thousand times. 

“You bloody cunt,” You mumble, seething, and pull him away from the wall only to slam him against it once more, making sure this time his back hits it at just the right corner for it to hurt and from the grunt that escapes him you know you’ve hit the right spot. “You miserable, fucking mongrel.” 

There’s movement which you catch from the side of your eye but you couldn’t possibly care less because this fucking little dipstick is groaning and almost crying in your hands and all you want to do is hurt him, badly, and you don’t think anything will stop you from doing that. You know just how long he’s spent staring at her, you know the exact moment he went up there and the thought of anyone doing that to her, or to anyone really, makes you sick to your stomach. You can feel it churning and all the anger inside you makes your skin burn. 

“I didn’t do anything!” He whines again and you push your left hand further up, still holding his collar, and tip his head to see his eyes better. 

“I’m going to fucking destroy you,” You growl and let go with your right hand, fingers clenching, “Bloody cunt.” 

You’re about to hit him, about to bash his face against the wall and hopefully smear it all red with his blood but you feel a familiar warmth around your hand, fingers encircling your own and before you can do anything Alicia’s already pressing herself close to you and both her hands find their way around yours. 

“Niron.” She murmurs into your shoulder and a chill finds its way down your spine at the gentleness in her voice. “Ai hodnes.” She speaks again and her fingers tangle with your own as she pulls your hand back, trying to drag you closer to herself. “Chil au, niron. He’s not worth it.” You feel her lips moving slowly up your neck, “Chil daun.” 

“Ai na kot em op,” You snarl, gripping his shirt tighter.

“You crazy bitch, I didn’t do anything!” Chris whines, struggling to escape your grip, “Let go of m-”

“Shof op!” Alicia snaps at him and her hold of your hand tightens when she speaks to you once more. “Niron, let him go, beja.” You feel her press the lightest of kisses to your neck as she murmurs, “Gon ai.” 

Her words come with another gentle kiss to your neck, this one a little closer to your ear, and a small squeeze of your hand and the words themselves take you back to a time when you last heard them. The image of her, strong and stoic, confident and just a little brash, standing at her throne and the words  _ gon ai _ but in a sense so distinctly different. 

A world apart. 

When she said them last time, she said that no one fights for her. Maybe you should have fought more.

When you blink a few times, take a breath or two, you’re brought back to the moment and one thought is swirling through your mind, stronger than all the anger and rage you’re feeling, one thought that kept you going all this time.

_ For her. _

And you know it’s time to step down, as much as your brain is screaming, shouting to do what you’d planned to. But she’s asking you, begging even, and you know she really doesn’t even have to ask. 

You’d do anything for her. 

So you clench your fist one more time, squeezing her fingers in the process, but then your shoulders fall just a little and you let out a breath you’ve been holding for a while and your hold on Chris is gone.

He clambers away from you, wheezing and scowling, but you don’t care in the slightest. You’ve already turned around and put your arms around her, shielding her from everyone’s eyes as she burrows her head in your neck and you feel her lips grazing down your skin. She’s murmuring, whispering nothings against your neck for a few moments and you just stand there, unphased by all the people around you, so calm and warm and right there where you’re meant to be. 

You feel her lifting her head up and you think she might even kiss you but then she clears her throat and you feel everyone’s eyes even more on the two of you.

“Elyza and I will leave tonight.” Alicia says, so matter of factly that you wonder if that is something you should have known, something she may have told you that you’d somehow missed because it sounds like something she’d decided a long time ago and you feel like you really should have known about it. 

Madison manages to react first, glaring at the both of you. “Leave? What? Where?” 

“What are you talking about?” Travis quips right after her.

You want to mimic their questions but Alicia is quick to respond to all of you, her arms set on your hips.

“Somewhere that’s not here. We will find another place to stay, until we all decide on a date to go. You know the disease is coming and we’ll have to leave the city sooner or later. Until then, Elyza and I will not be here.” 

Your heart warms at the strength in her voice, or maybe at the familiarity of it. In more ways than one it feels like Lexa herself is speaking. 

“You’re not going anywhere.” You see Madison stepping closer but then Alicia simply lifts her hand and with a brief wave she makes her stop in her tracks.

Shivers course through you from the memories that flood your mind. 

“There will be no discussion, mom. I’ve decided and it’s in everyone’s best interest.” 

“She’s manipulating you, can’t you see that?” Madison tries once more and even Travis steps closer this time, taking hold of her hand. You think if you actually cared a little, his glare would probably hurt. Seeing as you don’t, the only reaction he manages to elicit from you is a measly, barely there scoff because truth be told, you’re far too lazy to try harder and he’s just a nobody in your book.

Alicia tenses at Madison’s words though, you can feel the way she’s trying to even out her breathing and you know it’s taking all of her strength to keep herself as calm as she has been until now. It’s something she seems to be missing as Alicia, something that came so easily, even naturally when she was Lexa. Maybe it was all those years of training, maybe it was her way of coping. Maybe Lexa was simply calmer. But Alicia most certainly isn’t.

When she speaks again, her voice is cold and terse, and she doesn’t even bother looking at them anymore..

“It’s decided and I won’t listen to this nonsense any longer. We’re going in an hour.” 

She steps away from you, bringing her hand to her chest to once again shield herself with her t-shirt, and her free hand slips into your own as she pulls you up the stairs and to the attic. You almost stumble, a little taken aback by her words, but you follow because really - you’d follow her blindly just about anywhere. 

When you step inside and she maneuvers around you to close the small wooden door, you finally hear her breathe out a long, laboured breath. She moves to you once again, slipping her arms around your waist and laying her head on your shoulder with a sigh. 

“So…” You murmur, sliding your hands over her arms and to her shoulders, pressing a soft kiss to her hair, “We’re going away, huh?” A tiny chuckle escapes you and from the way she’s shaking you feel her laughing more than you actually hear it.

“I’m sorry,” She whispers and the ghosting of her lips over your neck makes you shiver in need.

“What for?” 

“Not asking you,” She sighs and pulls back just enough to look at you, “It was a spur of the moment decision.” 

“A good one, if you ask me.” You smile and the way she mirrors it makes your heart feel as if there was a gentle, tiny fire around it, not burning - only making your chest warmer. 

You feel her hands meeting at the small of your back and she’s wrapping them tight, pulling you close, so much closer and then her lips are hovering not even an inch from your own, for the briefest of moments before she presses them to yours, slowly, gently. You kiss her back without hesitation or restraint, your arms wound tight around her and your fingers laced through her brown locks. 

It feels like hours later when you both finally pull back, a little breathy and feeling as though the room’s a couple degrees warmer. You want to stay there, just lay down and pull her right back into your arms, wrap yourself tightly around her and press your lips into her skin, over and over and over again until the shape of them is etched into her very being so that when she runs a hand over her arm she feels traces of your lips, little marks of your love. 

You want to stay there and feel her warmth, watch her fall asleep and hear the slow, gentle breaths that spill from her lips, you want to feel the languid beating of her heart against your own. But alas, she’s made a decision, you both have, and as much as the need for her is strong now, you’d much rather be anywhere but here where you are consumed by anger and rage, where your every move is being watched and judged, where nothing feels right. So you help her pack, the little of your belongings, and watch her pacing around the room, collecting herself, reuniting with herself. 

And maybe, just maybe, all the darkness you felt earlier, the chilling blackness in your chest, it might all disappear when you finally get to be alone with her, just the two of you. 

Just maybe. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WAS THAT GOOD????   
> ok i feel much better now that this is out  
> and i know many of you might feel that this is NOT the right time to go away yet again but this is much different than the first time, trust me. and guess what being alone means?   
> NO NOT SMUT YOU FILTHY MINDS  
> it means that alicia finally gets to find out how clarke lived after her death. (well, lexa's death, heh)  
> sorry if my trig sucks, i really didn't have time to work on it and honestly, it's so haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard   
> anyway, next chapter draft is done so i just have to sit down and write \o/ hope you enjoyed this!  
> \---  
> Niron = loved one  
> Ai hodnes = my love  
> Chil au = calm down  
> Chil daun = stand down  
> Ai na kot em op = I will cut him  
> Shof op = Be quiet  
> Beja = Please  
> Gon ai = For me


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oh my god i finally wrote another chapter. jebus.  
> well, my dear readers, buckle up, this one's an emotional smut ride.  
> i've decided to forgo the whole trip away from Alicia's family and just get them somewhere safe 'cause that'd just unnecessary couple hundred of words that I'm sure you'd all rather have replaced by this lovely emotional festform I've managed to write up.  
> also, i felt they needed to reconnect fully and that it was time alicia got a taste of elyza's flashbacks. i'm adding tags for ptsd because it's pretty much what elyza's memories are.  
> also, this chapter is actually much longer but i've decided to cut it in half and leave the more important part for another one.  
> so the really important talk we've all been waiting for is happening in the next chapter. (yes, alicia will ask her about everything that happened after lexa died and how clarke lived and all that dw)

_Smoke and fire. Screams everywhere. Cries and sobs and shouting, so loud, broken and desperate._

_Flashes of light and colours, explosions of red and yellow and orange and then - darkness that turns to pain._

_Crippling, chilling pain that starts somewhere deep in the pit of your stomach and spreads, expansive and so fast, filling you, taking over your being, tearing you apart piece after piece after piece._

_Until you’re left with nothing._

_You almost wish the pain would come back, for a moment at least, so you’d have some semblance of existence._

_But you are surrounded by nothing. All around you is emptiness, numb and silent. There is nothing, except a void._

_You are the void._

* * *

 

    “Elyza?”

    You hear the quiet, gentle voice you’d recognize anywhere, murmuring softly beside your ear, and the way your lips twitch at the sound and the tips of them curl in a smirk is purely instinctual.

    A reflex, really, the pull of her being, a hold she has on your heart that seems to come into play whenever Alicia is in question.

    You know she’s smiling, you don’t need to look to know, even if your whole being is aching for your to open your eyes and stare at her smile. It fills you with life and you’re sure you wouldn’t mind getting her smile tattooed on the inside of your eyelids, to be a sight you could always see.

    “Hmm?” You hum, still a little sleepy but so very aware. And finally, at peace.

    You remember the exact time you felt like this and it chills you to think of it. Yet, you do. You do because you never really want to forget it and not even a lifetime, not even two were enough to make you forget how at peace, and safe, she makes you feel. So you remember, fondly, when she cried as you kissed her and she fell in your embrace and for a few brief hours, you were the most at peace you’d ever be.

    Until now.

    You realize now, in this very moment, that you’ll never be able to understand how you got to be so lucky. You may have died with Lexa’s name on your lips, but you awoke again the same way and whatever gods are trying to redeem themselves, are on the right path.

    The thought makes you grin.

    A trail of light kisses pressed just below your jaw distracts you from your own amusement and you’re reminded that you’d rather have her on your mind than anything else. But you’d also rather have her in the most carnal of ways right now and her knowing, skillful lips are just making it worse. In the best of ways.

    You hum in appreciation and it feels a little like the first time.

    Only this time you’re not afraid to be breathless from her touch, to tremble as her lips leave marks in their wake.

    “Morning,” She murmurs against your skin, lips pressed close to your pulse.

    She tends to kiss it more often than not, just as much as you love taking her hand in yours to bring her wrist to your lips and kiss her heartbeat. You need to feel her alive, need to remind yourself she’s here. You reckon she needs the same.

    At this moment you probably couldn’t be more grateful and glad for her idea to leave her family for a bit. It took the two of you four hours to find one empty hotel room, one of the last in the whole city with all the refugees coming in, but it’s exactly what you both need.

    Your fingers search and immediately find what you ache to feel, the warm, smooth skin beneath your fingertips, the pliant form curling under your touch, all but moulding into you. When you press a little harder, and your hold on her waist tightens, the hitch in her breathing is so sudden and loud that it’s almost too hard to miss it. You let it slide this time though, you’ll tease her later.

    There’ll be plenty more times when you’ll show her all the ways you can make her head spin and heart race a million miles an hour. And you’ll make sure there are twice as many times when you’ll get to tease her about it and watch her squirm and blush and pretend your words don’t stir a fire within her just as much as they do within yourself.

    “Hey.” You finally pull your lips apart enough for the word to silently fall into the warm space between you. She nuzzles closer still, nose pressed to your neck, and you slip your arms further around her, encircle her fully in your arms, so when your own hands touch and you lace your fingers at the small of her back you get to pull her that much closer and feel her heart, strong and brave and alive, right up next to yours.

    “Sleep well?” Her voice is quiet and gentle, lips brushing lightly against your skin with the words.

    “Mhm, well enough.” You answer with a smile and tilt your head a little, intent on pressing a kiss to her hair, those gorgeous brown locks.

    Before you can, though, she’s already leaning over, lips so close to your own, but just far enough to be out of your reach. You can feel her breath when she exhales softly.

    “Are you sure?” She murmurs with caution, her brows furrowed slightly.

    “I guess so?” You wonder, genuinely intrigued by her question which instantly sparks questions in your own mind, and you look at her with an eyebrow raised, smiling softly when her lips twitch in the most adorable of pouts. “Why?”

    She settles on her side then, leaning on her elbow with her free arm softly landing over your waist, pulling you closer.

    “You were mumbling a lot in your sleep. It did not look pleasant.” She eyes you carefully and the warmth in her eyes melts all the bad thoughts in your head away, even if for a little while.

    But then you remember the visions, faces and colours, you can still smell the stench of burnt flesh and rotten corpses and the flashes of light are still so strong and distinct, almost as vivid as the screaming in your head is strong. In a moment it’s all gone when your eyes settle on hers and you find a calm in that familiar forest.

    “Elyza?” Alicia murmurs, her face so close to yours so you don’t even flinch when she leans down fully, pressing her lips to yours, and all the noise in your mind disappears.  

    She pulls back quickly but slides her hand to your cheek, brushing her fingers over your skin and you’re home, or at least you think you are, because if anything, home should feel like this, right?

    “Where did you go?” She asks, sliding a finger softly down the slope of your nose, staring deep into your eyes.

    “Too far away.” The words slip down your lips just as you feel her finger move over them too and for the next couple of moments you’re both silent and unmoving in the early morning stillness. You know, she does too - more words will come. For now, that’s enough.

    Briefly your thoughts wander and you think that maybe she’s always known you this well, so deeply and intimately, even in your past lives when all you two got to share were broken moments and a few hours of being impossibly close. But as fast as they come, the thoughts disappear when she moves and her lips settle on your own. It’s hard to think when she kisses you.

    How cliche that a kiss can disrupt the mind so much it has to stop and relearn all its functions, how to breathe and think and live.

    You realize, in that kiss, that this is exactly why you’ve heard the saying “love can keep you alive.” You understand it now and you know the truth behind it. You’d survive as many lifetimes as needed if it meant you’d get to taste her lips again and have her kiss you like this just one more time.

    You’d live and live and live - for her.

    It’s unexpected and sudden, when she throws a leg over your hips, one knee coming to rest to your left and the other at your right, her body that much closer to your own when she straddles your fully and rests her elbows beside your head. You cringe slightly when she presses on a few strands of your hair and chuckle when she curses under her breath, pushing herself off so you can adjust to her new position.

    Then her hair slips down, encircling you both and shutting out the light seeping through the open curtains and her lips have never looked more inviting. You swear your heart cracks a little when they find their way to yours and she kisses you hard and needy, grinding her hips down and swallowing the moan that escapes you.

    And then you’re back in that room at the top of Polis Tower, the room bathed in gold, full of her, of Lexa, your Heda. So you kiss her harder, pull her lip between your teeth and press into it, slip your arms around her and drag her closer, holding on tightly, afraid - no, terrified - to let loose because you’ve lost her once and you’ll be damned if you lose her again.

    But you feel her moving back so you tug on her lip as you open your eyes just barely to make sure it’s not all a dream and the offended look she gives you almost makes you chuckles because just seconds ago she was Heda and now she’s this lovely teenage girl who got offended ‘cause you won’t let her take control.

    And you think you might just love her a little more now, if that’s even possible.   

    When her brows furrow for a moment it catches you off guard how quickly she kisses you again but you return it, feverish and hungry, and every kiss you share is more searing than the other, more heated and deeper. Somehow, every time she runs her tongue over yours it feels like she’s adding a new set of stitches to your torn heart, repairing and mending all the tears and cracks you’ve been living - surviving -  with.

    Once, a lifetime ago, she was the one to take it, your naive and eager heart, with subtle looks, understanding eyes and wanting lips and when she had it whole, and all her own, she tore through it. And you let her mend it once, you let her stitch it back when she offered you the one thing you knew you were missing, even as you taught her true meaning of it.

    Love led you to one another and love broke you apart.

    When you lost her, you know, she never got the chance to show you fully how well she could mend your heart. And you never got the chance to teach her exactly what love is.

    Her trembling lips remind you that she knows she’s got a second chance too.

    When she leans in and takes your lips between her own, kisses you softer than you ever could have imagined, you’re right back in that room again, filled with her warmth and the sunlight so bright on her gentle face and it takes all your strength not to crumble right then and there.

    Alicia’s fingers slips down over your arm as she sits up, graceful and quick, and soon you feel them brushing over your skin just above your waist, playing with the fabric of your thing sleeping shirt. She leans in, face inches from your own, and nudges your nose so you tilt your head a little, welcoming her eager mouth as your heart sets off thrumming in a steadily rising rhythm.

    You can feel her fingertips move higher and skim over the ridges of your ribs as her tongue runs over your lip and she swallows your sigh with another kiss that seems to mend you faster than any medicine ever could. Slowly but surely, you think, the voids inside you will start filling up.

    She rolls her hips, straddling you more firmly, her finger sliding further up until they find purchase at your chest and her tongue its home, tangled with yours. And she groans a little, palming the flesh in her hands, sending shivers through your body when her nimble fingers twirl and wrap around your nipples, expertly drawing out a long, throaty moan out of you which she promptly swallows with another deep kiss.

    You feel her pulling back and try to move to follow, chasing her lips with your own, but she’s already too far away, cheeks flushes and pupils blown, staring at you with a hunger you recognize from so long ago. When you reach out to grab her by her arms and tug her back close, she’s fast to react and before you know it she’s got both your hands pinned above your head, you can feel her fingers steady and strong around your wrists and when you push against them, she presses harder. She lets go with one hand, sliding it slowly down your cheek, until it’s resting at the valley of your breasts, tucked safely by your heart.

    She can feel the thunder underneath your bones, the loud thudding of your hungry heart, and you know she’s feeling, making sure the muscle keeps on beating steady, just as you’ve done countless times before, ever since you got her back.

    Alicia leans down once more, lips skirting over yours with a featherlight touch and the ache to feel them is almost unbearable. You wait, eager and craving the kiss that just doesn’t come. But you still find solace in the warmth of her even breaths washing over you and the way she rests her forehead with yours, eyes closed and lips just inches from yours.

    _Breathe,_ you tell yourself, trying to calm the hurricane inside you, the tempest she’s managed to stir, even though you know resisting it is as futile as resisting her knowing touches and warm lips. But you try nonetheless, not wanting to break from the intensity of the well of emotions she’s pried open and you think you’re actually close to breathing steadily, you think you might even be able to turn the tables, to kiss her as hard and hungry, to turn her world into a storm just as she has yours but then she murmurs against your lips and suddenly, so forcefully, you’re out of breath.

    “Clarke…” Her voice is soft and the warmest you’ve heard it in a while, “Hodness.” She hums and presses her lips to yours and right now, you’re not really sure how the stitches over your heart still haven’t been broken from the strength of her love that is mending you from the inside of your heart and through all of you.

    When she kisses the corner of your lips, slow and languid, and croaks out an _I love you_ , all throaty and hot against your skin, you feel her grip on your hands tighten and your heart picks up pace, thundering against your ribcage with a force you haven’t felt since the last time you felt even remotely alive, a lifetime ago in that golden room with Lexa in your arms.

    And it’s not until her lips have moved away from yours and you feel them ghosting over your cheek, that you realize you’re crying.

    You don’t bother trying to stop, not anymore. You know it’s time you let it all out. It’s been a lifetime since you’ve cried, and the last time is seared in your mind still. But this time it’s different, it’s soothing and invigorating, to let all the feelings go, and all the hurt finally wash over you. It’s been a long time since you’ve let yourself feel this much and in an odd way, it makes you feel more alive than you ever have.

    She doesn’t move away any further but she does tense up for the briefest of moments and you’re honestly not sure what she’ll do next. You won’t mind if she backs up and gives you space, and you won’t mind if she asks about it. You’re here to tell her everything, and in time, it’ll all be out and all her questions will be answered.

    But then you feel her take a tiny breath and exhale softly against your skin as she kisses away the tears, slowly moving over one cheek, brushing her nose against yours as she moves to the other, careful not to leave a single strip of skin unkissed.

    Amidst her tenderness a sob escapes you, a quiet, barely restrained one, and her grip on your hands loosens slightly, as her lips return to yours. She kisses you, you don’t know how long, until you’re both out of breath and she has to pull back slightly to breathe.

    Her free hand ghosts over your breast and she squeezes lightly, caressing and kneading the wanting flesh as her lips dance over the skin of your jaw and neck, without a doubt leaving little purple marks that will serve to remind you just how much she wants you every time you see them again.

    You buck your hips when she pinches your nipple and tugs on it while her teeth scrape down to your shoulder, and as your hands slip down on the shits and you grip them tight, you feel her hum against your skin as she kisses her way back to your lips and runs her tongue over them, sighing when your tongues meet and you kiss her like it’s the only thing that’ll keep you alive.

    Her hand leaves your chest and you barely restrain yourself from protesting because you crave her touch more than anything right now and all you want is more of it, anywhere, everywhere. She slides lower and her grip on your hands is gone when she pulls back and sits up on your legs. This time you do protest but all that you manage is a quiet mewl that has her smiling at you with those lips curled oh so wonderfully at the corners.

    She takes her shirt off hurriedly and takes you by your hands, pulls you up and slips her hands down to the hem of your own shirt, making sure to keep her hands on your skin as she slides the fabric off and then pushes your down on the mattress once again. You’re relieved neither of you has pants on because you’re not sure if you could endure to wait even a second longer for her to take those off as well. You’re already so far gone and you need her to just touch you already, you need to feel her against you, her skin pressed to yours, her fingers all over your body.

    Her hands skim down your arms and she rests them for a moment on your hips as her fingers draw lines over your skin, teasing and far too little for you to be satisfied. When you buck your hips again her palms press against you and her eyes turn to yours, sharp and demanding, more so than ever, and you’re not really sure why but more than anything you want to push her to show you this side even more, you want to press your luck and see how far you can take this. There’s still a commander there somewhere and just thinking about her in such a way excites you in ways you’ve long forgotten.

    But as her hands more further up and she palms your breast, her grip loosens and her touch drops from the strong, intense one she’d just had, to one of delicacy and softness and you’re once again reminded who she really is, deep down inside.

    Your heart aches for the way she truly loves you - so gently, warmly.

    She leans in to capture your lips again, slips her tongue past your lips and hums when you kiss her back and moan into her mouth when nimble fingers tug on your nipples and her hands squeeze a little firmer than before. Her kisses grow more urgent as she rolls her hips against yours and slides her hand down your body, only stopping when her fingers meet the fabric of your underwear and she raises her head to look into your eyes.

    She doesn’t need to ask for you to know what she wants to do and you don’t have any more patience so you slide your hand to hers and push it further down, groaning out when her forehead falls softly to yours and a sigh escapes her when she realizes just how much you need her to touch you.

    Your heart is pounding so hard against your ribcage, you think it might burst but you don’t care, not now, not when her fingers are sliding through your folds and her breath is heavy against your neck, her teeth on your skin. You roll your hips and feel her fingers come  up, circling and exploring, until she finally settles where you need her the most and her touch steadies, her fingers moving with purpose.

    You may not have had much time with her, not enough by any means, but the way she knows you… You’re not sure it’s human, really, to know someone else's body so well, so intimately, that one touch is enough to turn a person into a hurricane in a matter of seconds.

    But she does just that.

    “Clarke…” She whispers, slow against your ear and it sends a rush through you, down to the very core of your being, just as she moves lower, pressing a finger gently inside you as her palm presses against your clit, replacing her fingers.

     You can feel your breath catch in your throat when she curls her finger and by some divine power she knows exactly how and where and she’s pressing at that one spot that has your mind whirling and your heart buzzing in your ears and it’s all so suddenly too much and too little at the same time.

     She pulls out slowly and you’re about to protest when you feel her slipping in again, with two fingers this time, and if your eyes weren’t closed, you’re sure you’d be seeing stars.

    Her lips wrap around your lobe when she slides her leg and her knee comes up to press against her own hand and all the pressure of her palm against you seems to double, making you moan out as your hands fall away onto the sheets. You grip them hard when her fingers curl again, just before she starts a painstakingly slow pace, pushing inside and pulling out with her palm rolling over your clit.

    With every curl of her fingers your heart swells further, bigger, and you feel more whole with every passing moment spent in her arms.

    You know this is not what you’ve wanted for the two of you, not back then and not now either. You wish she’s had a chance to live a life where pain and danger weren’t thrust upon her when she wasn’t ready but here you are, writhing under her touch in a tiny hotel room, dread and fear etched somewhere in the back of your mind because there’s another apocalypse coming to get you and she’s, as much as you, still not meant for a life of peace and calm.

    You hope she gets to live it out in the next.

    Her head falls to your shoulder and thoughts return in a flash when her movements become hurried and heavy, her thrusts more firm and every curl of her fingers sends a rush of pleasure coursing through you.

    You let go of the sheets and slip your arms around her shoulders, holding o _nto_ her more than you’re actually holding her close, moaning out every time she rolls palm and her knee pushes against her hand to send another rush through you.

     “I…” You try to tell her how your emotions are so big and all-encompassing, how you feel so much at this very moment but your words are cut off as your breath catches in your throat and you realize you’re that much closer to a climax than you actually thought you were. You can feel tears light on your cheeks, you’re not exactly sure when you’d started crying but it’s all so much and so relieving and you don’t even bother trying to stop them or wipe them away.

      Instead you slide one hand to her hair, twirl your fingers around the locks and tug a little, urging her to raise her head. When she does you tug her closer until you’re kissing her, hard and careless and unrestrained as her thrusts quicken and within moments you’re coming, moans spilling in her mouth, tears sliding down your cheeks and your arm tight and strong around her shoulders.

      You buck into her body when the rips of pleasure her touch     has caused pass through you and it’s not until she rests her forehead against yours and you roll your hips a couple more times, that she begins to finally slow down until her fingers come to a stop and she leaves them there a few moments longer.

      “I know you love my hair…” She murmurs, her voice breathy and small, “But damn.”

      “Shit,” The curse slips past your lips as you realize you’ve been pulling at her hair all this time. You quickly let go of her curls, softly running her fingers through them and pressing your fingertips against her scalp, reveling in the hum she offers in return. “I got a little carried away there.” You mumble, tilting your head to press a kiss to her lips. “Sorry love.”

      She chuckles at your words, pushing herself up as she finally pulls her hand out of your underwear and moves to lie beside you and pulling you into her embrace. “Seriously,” She mumbles, lips pressed to your cheek, “Of all the people you could have come back as..”

You raise an eyebrow, humming and lacing your fingers with her own at your waist. “What?”

     “You just had to come back as a cheeky Aussie, didn’t you?”

     And you can’t help but laugh out, even harder when you feel her join in.

    “Wouldn’t be me if I didn’t.”

    You sigh and settle closer to her, tilting your head to nuzzle her neck. There are things to talk about and you shouldn’t waste your day but life has been so unkind to the both of you, and you’ve a lifetime of cuddling to make up for.

    You’ll talk, you decide, when you’ve basked in nothing but her presence for a little while longer. Her gentle touch and the warmth of her embrace is what you need right now.

    And you’ll allow yourself to be so open, so… Fragile, for a little while longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how was that?


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ho boi, this one took a bit longer than expected but i hope you're ready for the feels.
> 
> seriously, this one's all about the feels. 
> 
> you wanted backstory? here you go.  
> oh and, excuse all typos please, i've been writing like crazy and just wanted this to be out so i didn't proof-read.

It’s a couple of hours later when you wake up and you’re more than content to just lie in bed, with her head on your shoulder and your arm wrapped tightly around her form, but you know why you’re here, you know why you both needed the little peace and quiet, or as much as you could find and it’s constantly there, at the back of your mind, and it just won’t let you rest.

You remember everything clearer than you’d ever wanted to, but you can’t fault your brain for working the way it does. She remembers everything as well, you can see it in her eyes, in the way they sometimes turn so cold and distant, just the way Heda used to be so far away, whenever you’d sneaked a glance or two in her direction. You know Alicia remembers everything up until the moment Lexa died, it’s only a question of how vaguely she sees the memories in her mind when they do come scratching and crawling into her thoughts. 

It took you months to remember everything clearly, but you were aware of everything that’d happened in your previous life the moment you woke up in Elyza’s body. The images of yourself, the fierce Wanheda, were the sharpest ones, and you could even see the horrid steel walls of your cell back at the Ark when you closed your eyes for long enough. 

Everything is there somewhere, in your head, neatly stored and not to be touched if you can help it. Everything from your father’s face and your prison, to the imminent fall of you and your comrades as guinea pigs, but most importantly, you can still remember clearly the moment you first saw her and, even if you are forced to remember all else, for this you are grateful. Even if you still feel Finn’s blood on your hands, even if Anya’s dying face is still there, along with Lincoln’s and Aden’s and all those poor children’s, even if you remember clearly the day you all fell again, this time to your deaths… You’re still grateful that you got to hold on to the memory of seeing her for the first time. 

It’ll always be etched in your mind, you believe. It was a moment of souls meeting for the first time, souls that were bound to be one, two people brought to one another by fate alone, even if their individual paths were so different, they were still entwined and in that singular moment, you knew your path was eventually meant to cross hers. 

And you’re so glad it did. But above all, you’re thankful for that image and the fact that it’ll always be there, no matter how many things there are on your mind, or who you wake up as next time your heart is bound to stop. 

Some things you wish you could erase from your mind, some you hope will go away with time, though you doubt it, considering how much you’ve lived by now and how clear everything still remains. Still, you hope. 

After all, it was hope that brought her back to you, and you might even let yourself be persuaded into thinking that being just a little hopeful every once in a while ain’t such a bad thing at all.

The wanderings of your thoughts are broken when you feel Alicia stirring beside you, shifting in your arms as she lifts her head slowly and hardly squints her eyes at you when a lazy, small smile graces those gorgeous full lips of hers. 

“Mmmorning,” She hums sleepily and closes her eyes again.

“Morning.” You murmur softly and tilt your head to press a kiss to her hair, inhaling the gentle scent and smiling to yourself as you reminisce of all the times you used to wonder how Lexa’s hair always seemed to smell of pine trees. Somehow, Alicia’s hair has nearly the same wonderful scent. “Sleep well?” 

“Wonderful.” She half-whispers and snuggles closer, nuzzling against your neck. “You?” 

“Grouse.”

She finally opens her eyes, but only to stare at you with a raised eyebrow until you realize what you’ve just said and chuckle lightly before grinning at her, much to her feigned annoyance. 

“I meant great, niron.” 

She softens immediately at the familiar word and kisses your neck, humming against your skin. 

You think it’s best if you just clear the air right away so you don’t really bother trying to mask your words or prolong the wait any longer. She needs to know certain things and you need to talk to someone about it, someone that will know and understand, someone that will remember at least parts of your own pain, and share in others. 

So you don’t wait much longer, basking in the silence and the warm morning for a minute or two longer, before finally saying what’s on your mind.

“We should talk, Alicia.” You close your eyes and take a deep breath to calm yourself. Her hand is on your chest, fingers tracing gentle, small patterns over your skin and you let that feeling ground you to the moment. “Are you, do you think you’re ready for that?” 

The movements of her fingers stop and she pushes herself up to lean on her elbow as she looks at you with the warmest of looks you’ve received in a long time. 

“I am, on one condition.” She speaks quietly, gauging your reaction. When you don’t say anything back but simply raise your eyebrow, she continues. “We both go brush our teeth ‘cause I am not having a couple hours long conversation with morning breath.” 

For a moment there’s just silence between the two of you, until you burst out laughing and quickly sit up, unable to stop yourself as you clutch at your stomach. She joins you and the sound fills your chest with more warmth you’d ever known you needed. 

“You’re such a dag, I swear.” You manage to bark out as you try to breathe through the giggles. 

“I have no idea what that means but okay.” She sits up as well, eyes meeting your own and she just sits there, staring at you with this dopey smile, this stupidly gorgeous smile that you just know you’ll never forget and you can’t help but lean in and peck her lips, just to tease her. “Ew, Elzya!” 

You manage to duck out of the way when she swings an arm to shove at your shoulder but before you know it she’s toppled your over and straddled your lap and it’s all sorts of Alicia and just a teeny tiny bit Lexa, or at least what you think she’d be if it weren’t for the commander title. You’re staring, you know, but she seems to be too and neither really mind.

It’s not until a couple of seconds later that she finally moves off of you and stalks across the room to the tiny en suite bathroom, but not before she turns around and flips you off. You’re reminded how in love with her new-found youth you are. In love and happy that she at least got to be young this time. 

Ten minutes later you both emerge from the bathroom feeling substantially fresher with your teeth brushed and your faces splashed and scrubbed over with fresh water.

You find it a little fascinating how in one life you had a tough time keeping your face clean long enough to be presentable among other people and yet in this life, sometimes there’s such an abundance of cleanliness that you don’t really know how to deal with it. You’d even go as far as to say you kind of miss a speck of dirt here and there. Or a twig or two in your hair.

Okay, so maybe you don’t miss that part at all, but you do miss the sentiment, and the feeling of dirt underneath your fingernails, the feeling of having done something worthwhile, something that you had to literally get your hands dirty for. 

Alicia’s off rummaging through her bag as you settle back on the bed and when she walks over and sits down next to you, she’s got two small sandwiches and a bottle of water in her hands.

“I doubt we will be in the mood to go find some food.” She mumbles with a shrug and sets the things down on the small bedside drawer, turning towards you. “Let’s talk.” 

You nod and lean back in your seat, propping a pillow behind your back as she settles closer and lays her hands down on your legs.  

“Where would you like me to start?” You ask, feeling a nervous little tremor coursing through you. It’s unexpected, you think, to be nervous about something you’ve been preparing yourself to do for a while now. Something you’ve known was bound to happen the moment you woke up as Elyza, something that you’ve been dreaming of doing ever since you got her back. 

But it’s terrifying, really, to know that you know things that will most certainly break her. Even if she is Lexa, she is your Alicia too and she is so young, you know, too young even, to be devastated in ways your words will certainly make her.

“Tell me what happened after I, after my death.” She murmurs softly as she runs her fingers lightly over your skin. 

You take a breath and sigh with a nod, reaching out to entwine your hand with hers. 

“It was… Chaotic, to say the least.” You huff in slight amusement, much to her surprise. “I mean, everything around me. Titus-”

“Did he-?” 

You know what she’s about to ask so you stop her before she has a chance to. “He kept his promise, don’t worry.” You feel her fingers squeeze around yours. “At least that one.” The words slip out before you can actually stop them and you see her jaw snap slightly to the side. “I stole the chip-” 

“The what?” 

“Oh, ye. Uh, the Flame?” 

“You took the Commander’s spirit out of my dead body?” 

You open your mouth to respond but the look on her face stops any words that might have come out. She’s staring at you both astounded and confused and you think maybe even a little disgusted so you shake your head and squeeze her hand reassuringly.

“Alicia. Shut up and let me talk, alright?” 

She swallows and nods, biting on her lip. “Sorry.” 

“I didn’t take it from your dead body. Titus did. That’s when Murphy and I actually realized what it was. That’s, I guess, a little less important and a bit harder to explain so I’ll just skip that part.” You mumble out hurriedly and when she doesn’t stop you, you continue on. “It was supposed to be implanted into the next commander, you know that, and Murphy and I would have stayed for the Conclave but…” And then the words stop and you’re staring at her with your mouth slightly open and this is the part where you know her heart will break and it kind of breaks yours as well. 

You were there, you saw the bodies, the faces, the blood. You saw it all and you blamed yourself for years and years, and you still feel guilty, even though you know there was nothing you could have done. 

“But?” She whispers and you know she senses the hesitation for what it truly is.

Sadness which you don’t know how to deal with.

You sit up a little straighter and pull your hand to your head, rubbing at your temples before you take both her hands into yours and place them on your lap.

You brace yourself, swallowing the ever-growing lump in your throat before the words actually leave your mouth. “The Conclave never happened.” 

She tilts her head to the side, you’ve always loved that look, and her brows furrow in confusion. “What do you mean it never happened?” 

The answer hangs in the air and you know that deep down, she’s already caught on, at least the gist of it, but despite spending so much time getting ready to tell her, despite devoting this life to finding her and spending it with her and knowing that at some point she’d want to know, you’re still not ready to tell her. But she’s staring at you with a slight quiver in her lips and you know there’s tears just begging to spill from her eyes that she’ll try her hardest not to let out and god, you’ve already seen her broken far too many times and you honestly don’t know what’s worse. 

Holding her dying body in your arms or holding her broken one. Both shatter you beyond comprehension.

“Clarke?” She murmurs, hesitantly, her jaw set tight, eyes coursing with pain. Fuck, and you haven’t even told her yet.

“We… The night before the Conclave was supposed to start, Ontari, she,” You suck in a breath and look away but you feel her hand slip to yours and her fingers wrap themselves around your own, “Ontari killed all the Nightbloods.” 

For the faintest moment there is silence in the room, such that you can almost hear your own heart thrumming against your ribcage. You look up to meet her eyes and you know you’ll find cold steel there, but she’s staring away from you, with her gaze focused somewhere further behind. And then she shudders and her fingers squeeze around yours, painfully so but you don’t care about the pain, and her head falls down to your shoulder as a sob pushes past her lips, a loud, heart-wrenching sob that leaves you hanging on the edge of falling apart yourself. 

You won’t though, you’ve already told yourself that no matter how strong she is this or any lifetime, you’ll always share in her strength. 

There’s no hesitation when your arms slip to her waist and you pull her into your embrace, letting her whole body rest against you as she sobs into your neck. Her tears are already soaking through your shirt and you know she’s crying for those precious young souls that she spent hours upon hours with, training them, caring for them, loving them. You know she’s crying for so many futures that never got to happen, she’s crying because she wasn’t there to stop it from happening and you know that she’s crying for herself, for all those times she’d just wanted to drown in her own tears but - Heda doesn’t cry. 

So Alicia does. 

You hold her clinging body close to your own and you know tears are slipping down your own cheeks but you’ll worry about that later. She’s all that’s ever mattered and it’s breaking your heart to see her hurting.

After a while her sobs morph into silent grief and she’s just nuzzling your neck, occasionally sniffling as you run your fingers through her hair and press light kisses to the side of her head. 

“I am so sorry.” You hum softly, lips pressed to her hair. “I wish I could have- I should have done something, we all knew how dangerous she was.”

“You couldn’t have done anything, I’m sure.” She finally speaks and the brokenness of her voice tears through you like a knife. “Did she…” She hesitates for a moment, taking in a shuddering breath. “Did they give her the Flame?” 

You sigh. “No, remember, Titus took it.” She nods, slightly frowning. “I had the Flame.”

Her eyebrows shoot up in confusion and if the situation were any different you’d actually tease her about being this soft young girl who looks like a little puppy when she’s confused, but right now you just smile at her softly, pressing your finger over her lips when she opens them to speak. “Titus gave it to me for safekeeping and I then passed it on to the next commander, Luna of the Floukru.” 

Alicia stares at you for a moment longer and this time you let her speak. 

“But didn’t Ontari-” But she stops in her words when she realizes what the look on your face means. “You killed her.” 

“I did, yes.” You take her hand, entwining your fingers with her own once more. “Ontari was a monster and I did what was best for our people.” She reaches up with her free hand, brushing her fingers softly over your cheek. “I ran away with the Flame and I found Luna, but it took a while for her to understand how important it was for her to accept her duty. When I came back, I made sure Ontari suffered, and before Luna was ready to take the Flame, Roan was in charge.” 

Alicia frowns but sighs a moment later. “Understandable.” 

You nod. “Luna was trained for a year and a half and we all knew it wasn’t nearly enough but we had no more time. The clans were anxious for a real commander and Roan did all her could. She was a good leader though.” Her eyes soften at your words. “You would have been proud of everyone.”  

“I always knew you were meant for great things, niron.” She murmurs next to your ear, brushing her cheek against yours. “You did good, hodnes, you did good.” 

For a moment you’re not there, on the bed, in that small hotel room and this time so different from the one you remember. You’re somewhere back in that world where the nights are much colder, the forest speaks in ways you had to learn to understand and the sky used to be your home until the ground welcomed you with open arms and green eyes that tore through your soul. 

For just a moment, you are Clarke again.

And then the picture changes and you’re right back here, in Alicia’s warm arms, with her beating heart strong and steady next to yours and her words mend the last of your broken pieces and soothe the remnants of those deep, old wounds that you carried through to a different lifetime. 

_ You did good _ . 

Her lips brush over your forehead as she presses little kisses there, moving down over your nose and trailing over your cheeks until her lips meet yours and she stays there for a while, simply kissing you softly as you savour the taste of her tongue against yours. 

When she pulls back, her eyes are sad still, but there’s a fire in them that you’ve missed so much. She’s staring at you intently and you know she’s got more questions but she’s always been considerate and the time she gives you is precisely what you need right now. 

You take a deep breath and settle back in your seat, sighing and smiling softly at her.

“What else would you like to know?” 

She pulls her bottom lip between her teeth, chewing slightly before she asks.

“Did you- How did you-” She cuts herself off, looking away for a moment before steeling herself and speaking again. “Did you die well?” 

It was a question you’ve been ready to answer and as you nod you raise a hand to stop her from asking any more, intent on explaining everything. 

“I did, yes. I died in battle, years after I… After I lost you.” She sucks in a breath at your words and her hands slip to yours again, squeezing slightly. “After Luna was named commander, I went away for a while. I needed to be away from everyone, from all of our people, from everything that reminded me of you and well, everything did. So I did the only thing I could think of, the one thing I knew I was good at.” You sigh, shoulders sagging a little. “I ran away again.” She squeezes your fingers once again and you shrug. “I never had the chance to grieve, Alicia. I never said goodbye to the love of my life properly. I didn’t have the time to cry and I couldn’t afford to be weak around our people who needed me to be strong for them.”

Your voice trembles as you speak and she tries to pull you into her embrace again but you remain still. 

“No, let me. I need to get this out.” You mumble and swallow the lump in your throat as she nods an okay at you. “I was gone for a little over a year, roaming around, moving from place to place, living with different clans and… And letting you go.” You murmur softly, knowing that she understand what you mean. “When I finally felt strong enough to return, I did. And in good time, really. One of the clans, I don’t remember anymore, I think it was the Boudalankru, they’d rebelled against some order Luna placed and they were at the brink of war.” You chuckle. “So typical of our people, ye?” 

She shrugs with a smile. 

“Anyway, Octavia was actually in Polis, she’d become one of the generals and Luna asked me and her to be her closest advisors.” Alicia raises an eyebrow at that, eyeing you carefully. “Yeah, I know. Couldn’t keep out of trouble, even without you around. I lived there for two more years, I had a little house in Polis and my mother would come visit with Kane, Octavia lived close by and you know, if not for the threat of a small war happening on the other side of the land, maybe I would have lived a little longer.” 

Alicia sighs, fingers entwining with your own. 

“It was spring and, well, the situation was critical. The rebelling kru attacked some village and Luna took most of the army to go out there and confront them. I was with her.” You can feel the tremble in your hands but Alicia’s reassuring touch manages to soothe you for a bit longer. “We were supposed to meet their leader but the night before the meeting, they attacked the camp. I guess they had help from some of our guards because they were outnumbered but somehow three of them got to Luna’s tent without a problem and if it hadn’t been for the fact that I was there at the moment… She…” You shudder at the memory that’s still so vivid in your mind, and you’re almost sure you can still feel the blood on your cheek. “I managed to wrestle one away from her, killed him and she was, god, she was great really, a skilled warrior.” Alicia eyes you a little warily and you can’t help but chuckle at her. “Not nearly as you, love, but she knew how to fight. But they surrounded her and after she wounded one we ran out of the tent to find the whole camp in the middle of a fight. One of the assassins followed us I saw one more coming from the other side but I guess I was too slow.” 

This time you do allow her to pull you in her embrace, sighing softly against her shoulder as you lean into her. 

“I never did learn how to fight with a sword properly.” You chuckle, trying to push away the sob that’s begging to escape you. “I didn’t see the third one until it was too late and I would have given everything to save the peace. So when I killed the one that followed us I did what I had to and I ran towards her, willing to do whatever it took. It was just a few steps but instead of her back, his sword met mine.” Alicia shudders against you and you slip a hand to her cheek, caressing it softly. “It’s alright niron, I’m here now.” She sighs, letting you continue as she traces a fingers gently over your back. “It actually took me a while to remember this, you know?” You question and she pulls back only slightly to look at you.

“How come?” 

“I couldn’t remember how I died. It was all flashes, blurred images and just light, and so much pain everywhere and I… I guess I pushed it back.” 

She hums and you pull her in again, resting your head on her shoulder.

“I do remember now. He slashed over my back and I fell down, but Luna was safe. I managed to cut his leg but after that all I could feel was pain, god, so much pain… He managed to run it through me and pull it back out by the time I saw his head flying off on the side and his body fell limp beside me.” Alicia’s arms tighten around you and you clutch at her with all your might. “Octavia cut his head off and she was right there beside me while I… In my last moments. She and Luna.” 

“I am glad you were not alone.” Alicia murmurs and you hear the stoic note of Lexa’s voice in her words. 

“Me too.” You hum as you take in a shuddering breath. “Everything after that was a blur for a couple of moments, and then I swear I could see your eyes right… Right before everything turned black. And then I was here and I guess you know the rest?” 

You feel her nod as her lips rest on your hair. “I do, yes.” 

“And you can ask me what else you might want to know.”

She pulls back slowly as her hands slide to cup your cheeks and her eyes settle on yours. “I know.” She leans in to capture your lips between her own, stilling for a moment before pulling away. “Later. We should rest now.” 

You reach up to brush away the stray tear that’s slipped away from you and nod as she moves the covers and settles down and you follow after her, letting her wrap you in her arms and press soft kisses to wherever she can reach. 

Just a little longer, you tell yourself.

A little more peace, more time. More of her warmth. 

Just a few more moments of this serenity. 

Just a little, and then you’ll be ready to face whatever comes next. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well there it was, how it was, how it all came to be after lexa.
> 
> don't mind me straying away from the original t100 storyline, i think we're all rather familiar with the fact that the original storyline sucks and well, i wanted to give clarke a better ending, something to remember her by better than whatever the cw have in store for her. 
> 
> hope you enjoyed this.


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh look this is finally getting an update :D

You’re not even properly awake yet and you can feel the solid weight against the side of your body, the tickling on your cheek and the steady hold around your waist. When you finally slip into consciousness and your dreamless sleep finally begins to fade away, pushed back by the piercing blaze of the early morning sun shining through the window, for the first time in a lifetime, you are truly alive again.

The long, painful talk Alicia and you had yesterday may have been one of the hardest things you’ve ever done in all your lifetimes, it was painful and devastating and you wish you could have just left the past in the past and moved on without bringing it back again, but you’re aware that you - she - would never have peace without all those words spoken. 

Despite the pain those memories have brought you, to wake up with your shoulders feeling lighter, and all the weariness in your body gone… It was more than worth it. 

You’re trying to blink away the sleep that’s been creeping up on you again, aware that time is of the essence and you should really get back to Alicia’s family, but then the hold of her arm around your waist tightens, and the hair that’s been tickling your face slips away, replaced by the soft, gentle press of her plump lips and all thoughts of ever leaving this bed are gone with another blink of your eyes.

“You’re thinking too loud.” She murmurs against your skin, voice still husky from sleeping. 

“Sorry love.” You whisper and pull your arm tighter around her. “Sleep well?” 

She hums her agreement and her lips continue traveling over your skin as she presses gentle kisses along her way, moving slowly towards your lips as she lifts herself up on her side and your lips meet in a languid, long kiss. You’re quick to meet her tongue with yours when she runs it over your lip and you can feel her hand moving lightly up until she tangles her fingers in your hair and deepens the kiss. 

When she pulls back, and her eyes, all warmth and love, you remember why you’re still here. You remember why it was all worth it. 

“Morning.” 

As much as you’d loved Lexa, you can’t help but think that this is who she was always meant to be. That smile is… She should always smile, as far as you’re concerned. Nobody should ever have the right to take away that beauty from the world. 

“Morning.” You mumble and lean up to kiss her again, smirking when her breath hitches a little and she swings her leg around your waist, straddling you and slipping both her hands in your hair, softly tugging to get you to sit up. 

You follow her eagerly, lips searching her own until they connect with plump flesh, tasting, caressing, memorizing the way her lips mold into yours all over again because you feel like you need to commit it all to memory, stash it somewhere deep just to make sure you never forget her. 

You don’t think you could survive a day without the memory of her.

“Niron,” You murmur against her lips, seizing the opportunity when she pulls back for a moment, “We need to go back.” 

She kisses you again, much softer and gentler this time, sighing into your mouth.

“I know.” She whispers. “I was kinda hoping we could just freeze time and stay here till you get tired of me.” She gives you a small sheepish smile before resting her forehead against yours. 

You don’t know what you were expecting her to say, but it’s clearly not this. The words are filled both with strength and fear, a mixture of nervousness and exhilaration, some sort of fearful hopefulness and really, it’s both so Lexa and so Alicia that it leaves you grinning for a moment until she’s pulling back to stare at you in confusion, breaking your train of thought. Her lip gets caught between her teeth, a nervous tug that pulls on the strings of your heart, and the words leave you in a silent, barely there hum.

“I could never tire of you.” You pull her back close again, nuzzling into her cheek as your murmur. “How could I? I’ll never have enough of you, luv, you can count on that.” 

Her lips curl in a smile, one wider than most you’ve seen on that gorgeous face of hers, right before they’re pressing back into yours and she parts them to welcome your tongue, humming when you deepen the kiss. 

You know you have to go, the thought is gnawing at you from the back of your head, no matter how hard you try to push it away, but you really need this, both of you. You need to make your heart, as well as your mind, knows that she’s here and that you’ve not made her up, this time. So you hold her a little while longer, indulging in her kisses and her soft embrace, laughing when she tries to tickle you, only to tackle and topple her over as you pin her hands above her head and lean down to run your hair all over her face, just so you can hear her laugh and squeal as she tries to fend you off. 

It’s everything to you, this moment. 

If you keep your eyes closed for a little while longer when you blink, you’re afraid it’ll all go away. 

She kisses you hard, harder than you expect her to. 

You think it’s ‘cause she can feel your fear. She shares it, after all. 

“Come on.” She runs her hands down your sides and pushes against your hips a little. “We need to head back or my mom’s gonna form a search party.” 

You frown, thinking of Madison running through streets with a gun, frantically trying to find you and gun you down. You’re pretty sure she wouldn’t hesitate at all. 

“Yeah, let’s go.” You mumble with a grin.

It takes you both a few minutes to finally scramble out of bed and get dressed, throwing glances and peeking at one another when you think the other’s not looking. It’s surreal, in all honesty, but you really don’t care. It’s only fair, after all this time, you both get to experience something so… natural, something you’ve been craving for a lifetime, something still so fragile in this world. 

As well as the previous one.

When you finally manage to find the last of your clothes, your leather jacket, in all the mess of things you’ve just thrown about, your guns are next and before you even have the chance to grab them, Alicia’s already stepping up to you and pulling the straps over your shoulders and setting the guns in their holsters. She shrugs when you raise an eyebrow at her, before leaning in and pecking your cheek with a smirk. 

“I kind of wanted to check something.” She mumbles as she grabs her own jacket and fishes out a small Swiss knife from one of the pockets, inspecting it for a moment before she puts it back inside the pocket. 

“Oh?” 

She bites her lips as while she tugs her backpack on. “Yup.” You’ve got an eyebrow already raised, more in confusion than as a question, and she continues, grinning at you. “Wanted to check if it’d feel as good as I thought it would to strap those things on you.” 

Your lips curl in a smirk. “And did it?” 

“Better.” She says, reaching for your hand and lacing her fingers with yours. “It’s kinda weirdly hot, you know?” She tilts her head to look at you, her eyes staring deep into yours. “Makes me wanna just take them right off again and push you down on that bed and well, you know the rest.” She finishes with a smirk and tugs you towards the door, her hand warm in yours. 

You wonder when she’s become so daring.

Did Lexa always have so much game or is all this Alicia’s doing? 

You shake your head at the thoughts, chuckling softly as you do, before you throw one last glance over your shoulder, checking the room to make sure you haven’t left anything behind. Satisfied, you walk right after her, giving her hand a small squeeze and walking into step beside her as you both make your way down to the lobby. 

You’re not really paying attention to where you're walking, focused on her wild brown mane and the way it falls over her shoulder and brushes from one to the other and when she stops abruptly it takes you a second too long to respond so you end up pressing yourself awkward against her, barely managing not to just run into her and trample her over.

“Niron wha-” The words fall short when you raise your head and glance over her shoulder, realizing what exactly has her dead in her spot. 

“Took you long enough, doll.” The familiar voice fills you both with a sort of tender joy, one you’d feel for a friend you haven’t seen in years, and anxiousness because it’s that one kind of friend that has trouble following them wherever they go. 

Alicia’s still frozen in her spot, unmoving and solid like a rock in front of you so you let your hands slide over her arms once, just a quick up and down motion to try and relax her, before you let them fall to her hips as you circle it and pull her close to yourself. 

“Jack.” You say, eyes never leaving his. 

“Doll.” He murmurs with a toothy grin and shifts on his feet from his spot, leaning against the far wall.

The receptionist stares at the three of you, confused and you assume a little mortified because you’ve got guns strapped to your back and everyone can see the large machete he has strapped to his hip and this whole scene doesn’t look promising. 

“Eliza.” Alicia murmurs, her hands slipping to your own as she entwines your fingers and squeezes slightly. “What is-” 

“Don’t worry, kid, I ain’t here to ‘cause trouble.” Jack speaks before she can finish her sentence and you really wish he’d cut back on the nicknames. 

“Why are you here?” You ask as you finally move to step around Alicia, slipping her arms away from her but taking her hand in yours instead. 

“Ain’t you happy to see me, doll?” Jack’s got an eyebrow raised with his arms crossed at his chest and that stupid grin still on his face and from the way Alicia’s tensing beside you, you’re pretty sure she’s about a minute away from bounding across the room and punching that grin straight off his face. 

As much as it makes you glad he’s still alive and seeing him is a nice sight, there’s a tinge of fear sparking up inside you that makes you question his motives so you settle closer to Alicia, still only staring at him from afar, not willing to move closer.

“I thought you left.” You mumble as you tilt your head. “What are you doing back here?” 

Jack scoffs before he’s pushing himself off the wall and stepping away from it, his lips curling in a smirk. “Don’t worry dolls.” He slips a hand inside his pocket, pulling out a pack of cigarettes. “I ain’t here to cause trouble.” He says as his focus shifts to the pack in his hands and he proceeds to pull a cigarette out before stuffing the box back inside his pocket. He’s already got a lighter in his hand a second later and the cigarette is lit instantly as he puts the lighter back where he had it, turning his focus back on you.

“Jack-” You start, intent on getting a clear answer from him, but he clears his throat slightly and your words die in your throat when he speaks up again.

“I’ve been looking for you, doll. Thought you’d be long gone by now, seeing as you got what you were looking for.” His eyes shift to Alicia and you instinctively move to step in front of her but she tugs on your hand, her grip tight and strong. 

“Yeah?” She mumbles and it amazes you how just one word from her mouth can sound both so quiet and yet so fierce. 

Jack chuckles and a bit of tension falls away from your shoulders at the familiar sound.

“Feisty one, ain’t she?” His eyes shift back to you. “Got some news for you doll.” 

You quirk an eyebrow, prompting him to continue and before he does, he takes a long drag from the cigarette before blowing the smoke to the side and leaning back against the wall.

“Not sure you’re gonna like ‘em all that much.” 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait guys. Come holla at me on tumblr @kittymannequin


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's been far too long, i know.

The drive “home” is far too fast and not nearly as eventful as you’d hoped.

Strangely, you wish there were at least a couple of walkers along your way, just enough to distract and delay you from going back just a little longer but today must not be your lucky day.  

It doesn’t take you long to get there, not when you never actually left the city, just went a couple of blocks away.

The bike roars to a stop as you finally slow down and park in the yard of the house where you’d left Alicia’s family and before you can even get off the damned thing, Madison is already pushing past the front door and all but tackling Alicia to the ground.

Your fingers itch with unease and you notice how her own fingers clench in discomfort too so you move towards them, shoving a bag into Alicia’s hands as you pass them by. Madison barely suppresses an actual growl in your direction but the hidden, muttered  _ thank you _ falls from Alicia’s lips and you can’t help but smile. 

It crosses your mind for a moment how this could have been you instead of Madison, had Alicia never remembered you. And you get it, you really do. 

She’s torn, between a past she only vaguely remembers but knows was everything to her and a present she wants so desperately escape from. You wish you could bring her to a middle of sorts but the best you can do is hold her hand when this world, too, inevitably crumbles beneath your feet.

At least this time you’ll be prepared.

Travis is still in the house, you notice him from the side of your eye as he takes in everything that’s going on in the yard, but he’s keeping his distance.

_ Good _ , you think to yourself, remembering the last time you saw him and how your blood boiled with everything going on around you. 

Nick is the next one to come rushing out the door but he swoops over your way, grinning at you as he reaches out and pulls you into an awkward side hug, laughing when you try to shove him off of you.

“Mate, sod off.” You grumble but he laughs louder, throwing a glance over his shoulder. “Ha you little shit, what’d I tell you?”

You glance in the direction he’s look at and see Chris lurking at the doorstep, glancing between you and Alicia. It takes you exactly three seconds to feel the fire burn in your chest and the desire to beat the crap out of him the good ol’ Grounder style but then Nick’s pulling back and you can’t help the laughter that bubbles out of you, barely audible, when he jabs an elbow in your side. “How was the shag weekend?” 

You actually slap him over his head and give him a look, one that managed to level even the fiercest warriors you’d met throughout your life and he positively cowers at the sight, pushing past you and all but stumbling his way to his sister as he grabs her and pulls her in a fierce hug, lifting her up in the air slightly, much to her dismay. 

But it’s a good type of grumbling that she offers in response, you realize, because you see the hint of a smile tug at the corner of her lips and it warms your heart to see how much he means to her. 

You guess you see just a little - really, a smidge - of Anya in him and it means Alicia probably does too which makes it that much more meaningful.

As you turn to wait for Alicia though, feet planted in the ground beside Nick, waiting for her to join you on the way inside, Madison turns to you first and glares, all daggers and menace aimed straight at you. Before any of you, mainly Alicia and you, can even react, Madison’s stomping towards you, angry and clearly on a warpath, and as she stands in front of you, shoulders squared and nostrils flaring, you ready yourself for whatever she intends to say. 

“Haven’t you had your fun yet?” She asks you and it really baffles you, how her mind works. It’s like she expects you to read her mind and really, you may have some ability of reading people’s faces and body language, but you’re no mind-reader. “Don’t you think it’s time you left us alone?” 

“Mom-” Alicia cuts in but you raise your hand just barely and she closes her mind, giving you a slight nod which only seems to spur Madison even more. 

“We were doing just fine before you came along, you know! And then you swoop in with your shotguns and your motorcycle and suddenly my daughter’s acting as if she’s known you her whole life and she runs off with you, god knows where, in the middle of this mess! And now you’re even commanding her when to talk and when not and it’s, it’s-” She lets out a groan in frustration and you finally notice that Travis has made his way outside through her monologue and only Chris is still lurking around the door, not really bothering or daring to walk outside. 

“Who the hell do you think you are?!” Madison yells at you, trying to push herself further into your personal space, slowly leaning towards you until you square your shoulders for the briefest of moments and pull your arms up to cross them over your chest, staring her down. 

To her credit, she doesn’t back up. She does stop in her movements though and it’s just enough of a pause in her speech for you to interrupt her.

“Who I am and what I’m doing here are things you shouldn’a worry yourself with, Madison.” You seethe out her name as if it’s metal on your lips, vile and bitter, and she glares at you, opens her mouth to say something else but then you let your arms fall to your sides and your voice picks up just slightly as you speak again.

“The only thing you need to know is that Alicia trusts me with her life and I trust her with mine. And I’ll do whatever necessary to protect her.”

“Wha-”

“Listen, Madison.” You say and you’re aware how condescending it sounds, she’s old enough to be your mother too but you’ve been getting sick and tired of this woman’s tirades, her constant whining and nonsense, questions that shouldn’t have been asked  _ in the first place _ and frankly, you don’t give a flying fuck what she, or any of them besides Alicia - and maybe Nick, you’ll consider him too - think about you. 

“Elyza..” You hear Alicia’s soft voice considerably closer to you and notice she’s made a couple of steps towards you when you weren’t paying attention. She reaches out to take your hand and slips her fingers between yours as if she’s saying ‘take it easy on her’. 

You give her the tiniest of nods before turning back to Madison, who’s spewin’ and practically fuming, standing in front of you and glaring at you.

“We’re in the middle of this… This fucked up situation,” You say, your words calm yet steady, “And I know you got a lot of questions about me. But I’m gonna save you the trouble of asking them ‘cause I’ve no intention of answering any. All that I will tell you is what you already know.” She visibly tenses for a moment before her shoulders seem to relax just slightly and you take it as your cue to speak again. “I care for Alicia, olright? And I will protect her.” 

Alicia leans into your side at those words and you can’t help the chuckle that escapes you.

“Not that she needs to be protected, she’s perfectly capable of taking care of herself.” 

“Well tha-” 

Madison doesn’t get to finish her sentence because Alicia just tugs on your arm and pulls you towards the house, completely ignoring her mother’s muttered curses and grumbled complaints. You only faintly hear Nick somewhat snicker on the side before Travis speaks up as you all walk towards the house.

“I see Jack is back with us.” 

You glance over your shoulder, feeling only mildly guilty for having forgotten about Jack ever coming back with you, and as you all finally make it inside and settle about, some to the kitchenette, some around the living room, you turn to him, Alicia still by your side. 

“We stumbled upon him on our way back.” You give him a small nod. “He said he’s got some news.

“Why couldn’t he have just told you.”

“He-”

“I can speak for myself just fine, doll.” Jack says, smirk in place, “Thought you should all hear the news.” 

“The girls could have told us.” Travis speaks up again, clearly not trusting Jack in the least bit and honestly, you can’t blame him. 

“Look man, we could play this “he said, I said” game all you want but right now there are pressing issues knockin’ at your door and I figured the more of us, the better the chances, alright?” 

That shuts Travis up and Jack gives you a pointed look to which you only shrug before turning to settle just a tad closer to Alicia, your hand winding softly around her own, fingers entwining with hers.

“More walkers?” Alicia asks as her fingers squeeze around yours. 

“‘Fraid so.” Jack mumbles. “And in very large numbers.” 

“Fuck.” Nick and you say at the same time and Alicia shifts in her spot, running her free hand through her hair. 

“How many?” You ask him as something tugs at your heart, something about the fact that you know the worst is yet to come but this time you’re not scared in the least bit, knowing that the hand currently so soft and warm in yours will be there at the end of it. It gives you hope to go into battle with her by your side, and you don’t fear the outcome. You know her better than any person in this room and you know Alicia - and Lexa - will fight for the two of you, if nothing else. 

“I don’t know the exact number.” Jack says as he moves to sit down. “But I know there is a whole horde, if you wanna call ‘em something.” 

Travis pipes up from the side, his brows furrowed in confusion. 

“What do you mean a horde? What even is that in, in… walker numbers?” 

You’ve already mulled it over in your head so the words slip out before you can actually stop them.

“Probably a couple hundred.” You glance over to Jack to see him already staring right back at you. “Right?” 

He nods and you’re sure every single person in the room knows there are no words necessary for him to speak. It’s one of those moments where nothing beats the deafening, threatening silence and the impending doom it somehow always seems to bring with it.

You’re the first one to react though, squeezing Alicia’s fingers between your own before you entangle your hand from hers and move over to the window, throwing a glance outside.

“We need to figure out a plan right now.” You say, your voice unwavering. “But I think it’s pretty clear what we ought to do.”

“And what exactly do you suppose we do?” Madison pipes in from the side, her biting tone slowly ebbing away the thick layers of your patience. “Do you wanna stay here and fight, is that it?” She pushes even further and you will yourself to stay rooted in the time and space that you are otherwise you can’t say what you’re capable of doing. 

Whatever it might be, you’re pretty sure Alicia wouldn’t be pleased to say the least. Perhaps momentarily because you know her too well and you know by now this world, coupled with her finally remembering who she was, is probably suffocating and gnawing at her and this mother that she’s known and trusted her whole life is not just another one of  _ her people,  _ as she called them once, and you’re not sure she remembers how to love that woman as a mother anymore. 

For a moment there you feel bad for ever stumbling upon her. Maybe you should have given her the freedom to be just Alicia, just a teenage girl free of memories of a past life full of blood and war and heavy with sadness. 

But you’ve long since come to the conclusion that no matter how hard you want to protect her from the hurtful past, she and you are both drawn to it, connected through it and you know she, as much as you, feels it woven into her very veins. 

As always, Alicia’s voice breaks you out of your ever darkening thoughts and she stops her mother before she jabs even more at you.

“Enough, mom.” She sighs and the sound settles somewhere deep within you, both soothing and worrying and it makes you wish you were back in that hotel room, back where you could run your hands up her arms and trace the soft skin of her face, where you could kiss her without hesitation and soother her with your touch. 

“Don’t talk to me like that, youn-”

“Mom, seriously.” Nick pipes in as well, stopping the incessant woman.

“Enough fighting.” Alicia says. “We need a plan, stat, and I think we all know what Elyza’s been trying to say.” You feel her stare on the back of your head, you don’t even have to turn around to know she’s looking at you with that strong-willed, determined look of hers. “We need to run north as fast as possible.” 

Travis huffs from the side. “As much as I hate to admit it, but that  _ is _ our only option. But even so, how are we gonna make that happen?”

“Yeah, with all the shits between us and there.” Chris finally speaks up and you clench your fists at the sound of his voice, mildly annoyed by yourself for such a measly, pathetic excuse for existence to have such an effect on you. 

“Exactly.” Travis adds. “Assuming we can leave the city uninterrupted, how are we supposed to get past the walkers on the outskirts?” 

You glance over at Alicia, who’s been awfully quiet ever since Jack has told everyone about the whole walker situation. She’s not looking at you, or anyone for that matter, probably thinking over everything that you’ve all been discussing, and you know she’s probably considered every possibility that any of you could have thought of. You know the way her brain works - methodical, quick, efficient. 

The silence that spreads through the room gives you chills, suddenly, and for a moment you actually worry that things might not be as easy as you initially thought them, but you give her another glance and then her eyes are on yours too and you wonder if it’s foolish to find such a simple little act so soothing. 

“There’s something else, isn’t there?” Nick finally asks from where he’s leaning against the wall and as you glance at him and then quickly at Jack, you realize your focus has been on Alicia so much you almost forgot to pay better attention to the mystery that is Jack. 

As if on cue, he nods, pulling out a pack of cigarettes from his back pocket. 

“A light at the end of the tunnel, if you wanna call it that.” He says, all calm and smug, the corner of his lips curled in a smirk. 

“Cut the bullshit.” You snap, irritation seeping through your words as you suddenly realize he’s finding some weird sadistic sort of pleasure in taking his time and sharing, what you’re sure will turn out to be good news. “What else do we need to know to get through this?” 

You feel Alicia’s inquisitive gaze and the way everyone’s eyes seem to focus on you for the short time before Jack finally starts talking again. He looks a little taken aback himself but in all honesty, you can’t find it in you to care even in the slightest bit.

“There are armed forces coming in from across the ocean, planes and ships of soldiers sent here to… Deal with this.” 

“How do you know this?” The words leave your mouth before you even realize you’re actually speaking. 

He scoffs. “You know I wouldn’t be saying this if it wasn’t true.” The moment he realizes you’re glaring at him he chuckles. “I got a few old buddies in the army, the intel’s been spreading around, slowly but they want what’s left of the people to know that help is coming.” 

The room suddenly feels stifling and the silence is overbearing.

“So we just need to survive?” Alicia’s the one to ask the thing you’ve all been wondering about.  

Jack nods and as the words sink in, you’re suddenly reminded that, want it or not, no matter how hard you try, surviving somehow always seems to be the only way. 

You all agree that immediate plans need to be made, and as you begin to scatter around the house, gathering the little of supplies you have and somehow always gravitating towards the kitchen where you all huddle together, you all agree that survival is above all else and that you’ll begin moving when the first morning light strikes.

You’ll survive, you will, even if you’d sworn you’d do so much more than simply survive this time.

But as you look to Alicia, your eyes meeting her own, and you feel the tug on your heartstrings, the way your chest somehow fills up with warmth and comfort you didn’t know you could feel from nothing but a look, you remember that life is about more than just surviving.

And you’ll be damned if you don’t fight your hardest to make that true in this one. 

When the news finally settle in a couple of minutes later, everyone seems to be looking somewhat lighter, and you even let yourself get just a little swept up in the euphoria. 

Maybe it’ll be easier, you think, this time around. Maybe you won’t have to be the girl who fell from the sky and for the earthly green eyes of the girl that commanded the ground. Maybe this time around you get to be just a girl that remembers a love older than herself and loves a girl whose memories weren’t gone, just a little lost. 

But this time around, you know it won’t be just a maybe that your hand will hold hers and you’ll face everything head on, together. 

This time you know it’ll be so because you’ve waited a lifetime for her, and you’ll fight a thousand, millions more to have her by your side.


	29. Chapter 29

Leaving your so-called safehouse takes a while. Longer than you’d expected it would but in the end, everyone manages to take the little of their belongings, you all pack up whatever food there’s left, stock up on as many water bottles as you can and you’re off. Where to, you’re not really sure.

Following Jack is not something you’d enjoyed before, even if it was mutually beneficial and he did end up being helpful and more ways than one. But now, with Alicia by your side, you’re more reluctant than ever. He’s always been a little strange, somewhat even crazy in his weird way, and the only reason you trusted him as blindly as you did was because he stepped up when you needed someone to help you out, and he never once left your side. There were a few people in your lifetimes you could say the same for.

Still, Alicia is insistent you follow him, despite the fact that you know she’s most certainly the last one that would trust him with anything, let alone information so vital to your survival. Even in the short time you’d spent with Lexa, you know she may have come across as cunning, but there was something profoundly awe-inspiring in the way she was aware of every little nuance happening around her. And you’re absolutely certain, with all your being, that in the days you’ve been together, Alicia’s fully embraced that side of your Commander. 

She’s changed.

Nothing earth-shattering, and nobody else has really noticed, but you’re so attuned to her, so inclined to look at her, feel her, see her in every way possible, that pretty much nothing can escape you. 

She’s grown a little more quiet, a little more drawn back, even if her robust nature comes out every once in a while, especially when either Jack or Chris think of something to add to the conversation. 

The first day of your travels is long and exhausting and you’ve lost count of how many miles you’ve traversed when you finally decide it’s time to get off the road and find a place to sleep. Chance or fate, you end up finding a house that’s pretty much intact, one that must have been left alone even before the whole disaster began, and you do have to admit that the number of walkers you’ve seen along your way has been rather small. You figure it has to do with going further north where the weather isn’t so kind and food isn’t really in abundance. Still, you all spend an hour longer staying awake just to make sure the place is sealed up and safe for everyone to rest, but you agree to take shifts anyway, between Travis, Jack and you, because safety comes first and you’re never safe enough in conditions like this.

Alicia comes strolling into the living room where you’re keeping watch in the early morning hours, bleary eyed and dragging a blanket along as she plops down on the couch next to you, burrows into your side, nose pressing against your neck. She throws the blanket over herself, much to your amusement, and you watch her slowly fall asleep again.

“Ai hod you in.” You hear her murmur minutes after she’s closed her eyes, the ghost of her breath tickling your neck. 

“Ai seintaim.” You half-whisper back and watch her lips widen in a soft smile before she burrows further and slips an arm around your waist, tugging you close. She’s back asleep and you have to admit, keeping watch feels a lot nicer this way.

* * *

 

Traveling alone is hard, but you remember it from your last life, you remember the cold nights when you used to wake up alone in damp caves, shivering next to a wall, or the early morning hours hunting for food which would inevitably go to waste because feeding one person with a deer is just overkill. 

Traveling with another person you learn in this life, and albeit a little tough, you got used to it with time. Jack is a good companion, fast and smart in the old street-smart way, always finding new places to hide in, new hidden little places to sneak through undetected. It was different, but with time, it became easy.

Traveling in a group, however, is hard. 

There’s a constant feeling of dread around you, constant worry looming over you because they’re never quiet enough, they tread the land far too loudly and at times you find yourself wondering how you’ve managed to get so far with the lot of them trailing after you.

Alicia gets by just fine, and you know it’s part Lexa and part her that guides her through the space around you, her cautious yet curious nature, her leading spirit a beacon to you. And were it your choice only, you would have dragged her away, far away, and you would have lived through her anger, her rage, her disappointment, if it meant she was there, safe, with you. But still, you understand the ties this life has on her. 

You may not know what it’s like to grow up with a family, how it feels to have someone care for you even beyond their own reason with that motherly kind of love, but still, you try to understand. 

And you let them trail behind, glaring over your shoulder at each wrong, loud noise, at every little thing that might attract too much attention. They try, they really do, and in time they will learn. You just hope it won’t be too late. 

By the time the sun crests over the horizon on the fourth day of your travels north, you’ve all fallen into a pattern of things, a rhythm that everyone seems to follow accordingly and faithfully. It’s reassuring, at least.

You’re not really sure where you are, the last map you saw was a while ago in some small town you passed by when Jack first found you. You probably should have brought it along, thinking back on it. But there have been a few more people that you’ve seen along in the past few days and it’s indication enough that you’re going the right way. 

The military though… They’re still just a thing Jack told you about and you’re not really sure if they’ll ever really show up or if you’ll just have to keep on moving until you reach the sea. 

Or die.

“Hey.” Jack mumbles, falling into step with you, startling you from your thoughts. “So I was thinking…” He kind of trails off for a moment when the murmuring of the group behind you quiets down. “When we get them to safety, maybe you and I could finally move along, ey?” 

You barely manage to hold on to your senses, long enough to stop yourself from hitting him square in the face, clenching your fingers until you feel nails dig into your skin.

“‘Scuse me?” 

He looks at you, that little grin on his face, and slightly leans over into your space, your shoulders bumping for a moment. 

“Look, dollface, I think we both know this is nothing more than just some stupid sense of duty you got goin’ on here, I don’t know why but I can respect that. But when we get them to safety you ain’t gotta do that no more, alright?”

The touch of his hand on your is the drop that overflows the whole cup and you snap, grabbing his hand and twisting it roughly, expertly, until he’s half-kneeling on the floor, groaning and cursing in pain. His palm facing up, hand wrenched in an angle you know hurts a fuckton, and as your nails dig into his skin you watch the blood begin to appear.

Somewhere from behind you hear Travis yelling, something about letting the man go, and when you catch Chris from the side of your eye trying to grab hold of you, you swing at him with your free hand just fast enough to catch him off guard and push him aside. You zero in on Jack again, meeting his eyes, and you twist his hand just a little more, your lip twitching as he cries out in pain.

“Look here, mate.” You don’t remember your voice being this rough, or this cold. “I don’t know where you get your delusions from but I think what  _ you and I both know _ -” And you give a sort of wave when Alicia steps closer, you catch the movement from the side of your eye, but she doesn’t reach out to you, simply crosses her arms over her chest - ”I’m not going anywhere with you. And you’re bloody mistaken if you think you’re anything more than a random bloke to any of us here.”

“You fucking bitch.” He mutters under his breath but you catch the words clear enough and let go of his hand, just barely holding off from kicking him while he’s crouched.

“Good onya for sharing the news with us but you’re not the full quid if you though for a second I’d just up and leave with ya. I think it’s time ya rack off, Jack.”

“You’ll fucking die withou’ me!” He shouts and stands up, taking a step towards you. “They’ll be the death of you, dollface, and you’ll be wishing you left with me!” 

“Leave.” You say, staring into his eyes. “Now.” 

You watch him glance over your shoulder, his eyes searching for a moment, before they settle back on yours and he shrugs, adjusts his jacket and spits down at your feet. 

“I hope you use your last bullet on your pretty lil’ girlfriend right before they eat ya up, dollface.” He says, grinning. “You could have lived.” 

He’s already turning when the overwhelming urge to gut him, from head to toe, courses through you. You’re already reaching for your blade when Alicia’s hand comes to rest atop of yours and her soothing presence presses to your side.

“Let it go.” She murmurs, hand softly squeezing yours. “You have me.” She says, her fingers slowly moving between yours, lacing them together. 

When you tilt your head, your lip trembling with the anger still coursing through you, the warm, soft look in her eyes is enough to tear through the rage that has almost consumed you. 

She moves around slowly, her other arm coming to rest upon your cheek as she pulls you into her embrace, whispering as her lips brush up against your cheek and come to rest just beside your ear.

“Oso throu daun ogeda.” 

**Author's Note:**

> So basically, this is me finally writing some Clexa stuff. Funnily enough, I wanted to write them a happy ending but then I realized I'm not good with canon-ish stuff and just proceeded to be swept away by the Lexark tide. And hell if I'll leave it, it's way too good here. So here you go, soulmate-ish story of how Clarke finds Lexa all over again. Bear with my on the first couple chapters, I promise the angst turns into fluff.


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